


daylight

by breaktrio



Category: Inazuma Eleven, Inazuma Eleven GO, Inazuma Eleven: Ares no Tenbin
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Daddy Issues, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, Kind of what if gouenji went to germany, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Misunderstanding, Multi, Other minor characters - Freeform, Pining, Platonic Relationships, Slow Burn, again if i had the courage i would tag jane austen as a character, dads that SUCK also dads that dont suck, doctor!gouenji and professor slash idiot!endou, hospital dynamics inspired by media, kind of inspired by dr romantic, kind of suicidal thoughts, like in the anime, patients to friends to lovers, therapy is GOOD kids, too lazy to google it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-10
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:02:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 71,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26937079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/breaktrio/pseuds/breaktrio
Summary: Everything in Gouenji Shuuya's life is a little bit dark. Then, he meets Endou Mamoru by a trick of fate.
Relationships: Endou Mamoru/Gouenji Shuuya, Fudou Akio/Kazemaru Ichirouta, Kino Aki/Raimon Natsumi
Comments: 10
Kudos: 54





	1. part 1

**Author's Note:**

> the title is from daylight by taylor swift and at some point i decided to copy half of the song.

It’s the first week of October and it’s getting colder, the heat and everything summery disappearing, the sun setting earlier and earlier in the fall and Shuuya already misses it, the light and the warmth of it, making his life a little better. 

Fall is okay, Shuuya thinks, but winter is his enemy and he can’t enjoy autumn so much because of it. The sun is weak, in winter, not warm enough. There isn’t the same daylight, only an everlasting night.

Shuuya focuses on the tree outside of Natsumi’s window, leaves slowly becoming yellow and already threatening to fall.

“So, since we are understaffed and I know you enjoy spending time with patients, starting today you are in the Emergency Room,” she informs him and he looks away from the tree and he drives off his mind away from unpleasant thoughts he can’t have on the job. 

Shuuya closes his eyes as Natsumi speaks and he sighs, fingers already rubbing his forehead, headache approaching. This is going to be one of those days—meaning, popping pills to stop his ever-present migraine. 

When he finds the capability to open his eyes again, Natsumi looks satisfied with herself. Almost proud.

He’s not an Emergency doctor, Natsumi knows this very well, but she doesn’t care (and she is right, Shuuya thinks, about not caring about it) and Shuuya doesn’t have the strength to fight her to keep his position in the Cardiology department because if he has to be honest with himself, he doesn’t want it; too many stares and whispers about how his dad brought the spot for him, about how he still didn’t perform his first surgery and about the fact he can’t really perform not only his first surgery, but every other surgery as well. Let’s say the OR isn’t Shuuya's favourite place to be and for a Cardio-surgeon isn’t really congenial. 

He can work with the transfer—it isn’t really a bad idea, actually—but the major problem is: people. 

Shuuya isn’t good with people. And the ER is full of people. 

The Emergency Room is the representation of Chaos. Hell on Earth. It’s the messiest department of the hospital, for a lot of reasons. One of them being the Head of the Department, Professor Kudou whose work ethic is something Shuuya doesn’t really get. Shuuya met him a few times, for a short period of it, actually, but he heard a lot of rumors about him. He leaves young doctors at their own devices and Shuuya gets that part, he knows he can’t hold their hands and pat their heads, but he is supposed to be at least present. His father—Shuuya mentally shakes his head (he can’t shake his head in front of Natsumi because she will ask even if she already knows; she knows everything). Can’t think about him, not today, not after being transferred to the Emergency Room. Back to his number one problem, _people._

So, yeah. ER is a messy department, with a lot of people between doctors (he knows Nosaka Yuuma is there and that’s a whole other headache) and patients, and Gouenji Shuuya is good at many things, but dealing with people has never been one of them. 

Being a doctor it’s hard, being a doctor with low social skills is harder, especially since Shuuya has the most expressionless face in the world. A gift, of course, of his father. He has gotten two thousands different comments about how he’s too direct or not too direct, how he can’t interact with children because he doesn’t know how to get on the same page as them, about how he should smile more and of course, he’s too quiet, is he hiding something? He isn’t hiding anything, he has nothing to hide, except from the fact that he can’t possibly, physically, mentally, enter an Operation Room without feeling sick and throw up on the operation table. 

Yeah, that’s the one specific reason why Natsumi decided he needed a change of scenery.

But the Emergency Room? He could’ve done everything else. He knows they are understaffed in pretty much every department—something about kids dropping out of school to play soccer or doing TikTok, a thing Shuuya wishes he was doing right now. 

Shuuya thinks back to when he chose (that’s not actually correct, but okay) to pursue Cardiology instead of anything else. He could’ve done Pathology (he still could do Pathology, but Shuuya doesn’t have the courage to change his residency, not almost two years in, anyway). Pathology is fun (no, it isn’t, but sometimes you have to convince yourself to like something just because you hate what you are doing). No interacting with people (that would be perfect, actually). Even your colleagues! Plus, Fubuki Shirou is there—they did medical school together, their classes always matching—and he’s the only person who, with Natsumi, doesn’t hate Shuuya or assumes things about him or flirts with him in the whole hospital. 

He’s nice. Almost too nice. And Shuuya doesn’t like his brother at all and Shuuya works with his brother. Well, worked. 

“I—” 

“No, I’m sorry. No Pathology.”

At least he tried. Points up for being a little bit more active and not too passive, today. Natsumi will never change her mind for the simple fact that if she reaches a decision, everything is fully calculated and there is motive behind it. Shuuya knows her too well. 

“Emergency Room will be, then.” 

“Why do you sound like you are going to walk towards your death?” 

“You are going to tell my father you changed my department.” 

Natsumi pushes her hair back, fixes the paperwork on her desk, “It’s just for a couple of weeks, then you are going back to the Cardiology department. I told you, it’s because we are understaffed. There is nothing more, nothing less.”

Shuuya scoffs, “Yeah, right.” 

Natsumi arches her perfect eyebrow, “What’s that?” 

“You are swapping me because of yesterday, aren’t you?” 

She crosses her arms, her pricey pink business suit stretching a little because of the movement, “No.” 

“I know Professor Kira told you to get me out of there.”

“She didn’t tell me anything.” 

“I almost threw up on a patient with an open chest. There isn’t any way she didn’t tell you. She gave me too many chances. It’s alright, you can tell me if it's the reason, I understand. I’m not a child.” 

Shuuya wants honesty. He doesn’t like sugar-coated things. He grew up with his father, after all. He knows he messed up, and it’s not the first time. When Natsumi called him up, he thought he was done, fired, and for a few seconds he thought _thank God it’s over_. He isn’t cut to be a Cardiac surgeon. Maybe, he can’t be a doctor at all. Even if that thought doesn’t sit right with him. He likes being a doctor, after all. He did graduate with one of the highest scores (even if he did graduate a year later than he expected), but that was because he was afraid of being a disappointment to his father--he still was, graduating too late, anyway.

Shuuya likes helping people, he likes seeing people getting better. He loves it, really, but maybe this isn’t the right way. It isn’t even the doctor part, it’s the surgeon one. When his patients are lying on the operation table, he’s so afraid of hurting them, he can’t do anything for them. And yesterday was another proof of it.

Natsumi gracefully murmurs, “You are so fucking stupid.” 

“Thanks,” Shuuya smiles. 

“No, it’s not for that. Or, it’s just a small part of it. I know you are having a hard time up there, but it isn’t really influencing my decision that much. I want you in the Emergency Room because you have a calming presence and you have enough cold blood to deal with an emergency situation. This is why,” she gets up from her comfy big chair, hands on her mahogany desk, long pink nails matching her suit, “I’m putting you there instead of Doctor Urabe. I promise, Shuuya.” 

Ah, she used his first name. Then, fuck it. 

“All right.”

Natsumi nods, then she opens her folder, “These are your shifts for the week, Professor Kudou already arranged it for you. He matched them with yours from Cardiology, so I believe you are not going to have an issue with it. This is your new badge,” then she looks up at him, serious look in her warm eyes, “Temporary new badge. For everything, my office is open as well as Professor Kira and Professor Kudou’s. Clear?” she settles everything in front of him.

“Clear, ma’am.” 

Natsumi laughs, “Good.”

Shuuya looks at her, Inazuma General Hospital’s President, the youngest ever elected in their country. Only twenty-eight, already in charge, and she was younger when she got the job. 

Shuuya is proud of her, she has the whole world in her perfect manicured hands, but as she is thriving Shuuya tries not to throw up in the hospital’s bathrooms because he saw inside an alive human body on a surgical table. It’s really hard, sometimes, but he’s not jealous of Natsumi because she has found her way and he is still trying to find a car to follow his.

“Then I’ll go,” he stands up, tries to pick up the things Natsumi gave him when she puts a small hand on his. He looks up, “What?” 

“Good luck,” she whispers, voice soft. 

Shuuya smiles, “You know well that I’m fine as long as there is no Operation Room involved.” 

“Yeah,” Natsumi turns to look out of her big window. She can see about half of the hospital—it’s a big hospital—and its gardens. The sun shines on her hair. She is really a sight, beauty and brains. 

“Are you worried about me, Natsumi?” 

Natsumi doesn’t look at him, but she scoffs, “I’m worried about my hospital, Doctor Gouenji. You can leave.”

He leaves. 

About their first meeting, Shuuya remembers only rain, wet socks and Natsumi’s warm brown eyes with running mascara under them. 

It was their first year of high school in Germany. Both of their dads knew each other, but they didn’t know they decided to ship their children to the same school in the same foreign country. The school they decided for them was one for international students which offered different specialization courses. Shuuya had to attend the one to become a doctor, focused on science and biology, meanwhile Natsumi attended the one about business and economics. They were the only two Japanese students in their year, both of them without a little bit of knowledge of German (Natsumi was fluent in English, though, and she was always the one to talk for the both of them if needed), and that made them bond. They shared the normal classes together and seated together at lunch, Natsumi ordering for Shuuya too. 

The first time he saw her, she was outside their German class, looking at her phone and biting her bottom lip. Shuuya was late, so seeing her outside made his full anxiety brain calm down a little. 

He stopped in front of her. Natsumi looked up. 

They have been best friends ever since. And now they work at the same hospital and Natsumi is his boss. 

Who put him in the Emergency Room. 

Bossing around it’s her love language.

Shuuya is going to be late because his first shift starts in ten minutes and the ER is further away from Natsumi’s office than the Cardiology Department, but he stops at the cafeteria anyway. 

He needs his morning coffee (at home he doesn’t have the time to make one, so he is a very known client at the cafeteria because he’s there every single morning, also at lunch and sometimes at dinner). Kino Aki looks busy, people—doctors, patients, but also family and friends of said patients—flooding the cafeteria. Oh, he’s going to be so late and Professor Kudou will have his head, but he can’t put up with everything going on in his life without caffeine in his body. It’s an addiction, really. He should’ve gone with smoking, but he’s a doctor and it didn’t feel right. And he tried, his lungs protesting too much to keep going.

Aki is taking out some pastries, so he goes for it, “Hey, Aki.” 

Aki is nice, very nice, telling him to call her by her first name and making small talk with her nice calming voice. Shuuya doesn’t really reply, but he doesn’t mind hearing Aki telling him about her clients when she has the time to talk. 

“Oh, Doctor,” she says, smiling kindly. 

“Can I ask you a favour?” 

“Depends on what you want?” 

“A black tall coffee in,” he checks his wristwatch, “three minutes? I just got transferred to the ER.”

“First day with Kudou?” she asks, calling on her co-workers with her right hand. 

“Yeah.”

“All right, I’ll have it ready in two minutes, just because it’s Kudou and I know you can’t work without your coffee.” 

“Thank you so much,” he says, softly, and Aki blushes a little.

“Now go wait there, you’ll pay me later.” 

Shuuya goes to the other side of the counter and he rests his elbows on it, watching Aki and the others work like a perfect oiled machine. 

Shuuya sighs as he takes out his phone to check his messages, since he didn’t have the time to do it after waking up. All of them are from Kidou, of course. The person who Shuuya considers more a brother than a friend. Kidou is a doctor too, but he works in a different hospital (his father’s, where he can do what he wants). Basically, he has to examine rich people's eyes. Funny thing, since he ruined his eyes with his stupid goggles when he was younger to look cool. He holds office when he wants to—he’s also very rich, so working it’s a bonus for him—so Shuuya isn’t worried when he notices the time of these messages. Three in the morning on a Wednesday. They are incoherent (he was probably drunk) and very messy, the last being a G _oodnight Shu I think I broke Sakuma’s phone and I miss you_ with a big red heart. 

Definitely drunk.

He reads it again and his heart skips a beat because he really wants to hang out with Kidou and his friends, sometimes, but they are Kidou’s friends and he is afraid they won’t like him that much. Kidou doesn’t really invite him, anyway, and Shuuya doesn’t like to beg for an invitation.

He answers with a _Morning not good morning because if it were a good morning I’d be sleeping_. 

Then he looks up to see Aki getting closer with his coffee in one hand. 

“Here you go,” 

“You are an angel, thank you.”

He takes the coffee and starts walking fast towards the elevator, without listening to Aki’s warnings about the consequences of running with a hot beverage. Shuuya is thinking more about the consequences of being late on his unofficial first day. 

His long tanned finger pushes the button to call for the elevator—the Emergency Room is on the other side of the hospital and it takes ten minutes to reach it, he has about five minutes—and he chugs down his coffee. Luckily, he’s fireproof, too hot temperature never bothers him too much. Kidou thinks he never broke a sweat in his life, and he’s probably right. 

Thirty seconds later in the empty elevator. 

Kidou already replied to his text. Another thing about Kidou: he doesn’t need sleep. 

Something Shuuya envies since the only thing Shuuya does when he’s not at the hospital or studying is sleeping. 

  
_Kidou: Looks like you are having a lovely morning_

_Gouenji: Well, Natsumi did it_

_Kidou: Did what_

_Gouenji: She took me out of Cardio_

_Kidou: Oh God_

_Gouenji: First day in the ER, hello_

_Kidou: ER? She is crazy..._

_Gouenji: I told you it was going to happen. Yesterday was the last straw for Hitomiko. I didn’t imagine she would put me there, though._

_Kidou: Pathology?_

_Gouenji: Never stop dreaming about it._

_Kidou: ER is going to kill you._

_Gouenji: Thank you for your kind words. Also, I’m running late. Damn elevator is too slow and I probably spilled coffee on my coat._

_Kidou: I’m here for you to love and support you, but Kudou doesn’t like people who are late._

_Gouenji: How do you know that? Don’t tell me that._

_Kidou: I know everything. I have a meeting, talk to you later xoxo_

_Gouenji: Fucker xoxo_

_Kidou: Have fun!_

  
  


Shuuya sighs. 

The elevator door opens. 

He checks his wristwatch. 

He has two minutes. 

Well, then. 

Shuuya starts to run. 

  
  
  


It’s been a week since he’s been moved up in the ER. 

Shuuya was late on his first day. The second day, too, but it was relatively less late than the first day. The third day, luck was on his side, he was on time.

Improvement, he dares to say. 

Professor Kudou just looked at him with the same look in his eyes every time he showed up late, coffee in one hand. But Shuuya must say, Professor Kudou looks at him with the same eyes even when he shows up on time. Shuuya can’t understand if it’s disappointment or complete indifference, but at least he doesn’t get scolded—with Professor Kira was one scolding a day, in private. 

Being in the ER is different. People are always coming and he’s always running around to check on patients, put in IVs, doing stitches. He doesn’t have the time to think and he feels so much better than when he was up, in Cardiology. His brain is total action, his hands move without him giving them any order and everything about this is welcomed.

It’s good. He feels good. Tired as hell, but good. 

He still has to tell his dad about this, though. 

Shuuya is taking a break next to the nurses station. Toramaru is too focused on looking at the phone with determination in his eyes. He’s so young, Shuuya thinks. Only twenty-five. 

The head nurse gave him the important role of getting the calls. Shuuya found out about how everything in the ER depends on The Phone. Everything is about the phone. Answering the phone is the most important job and usually is an expert nurse’s job. This is because whoever answers the phone has to evaluate the situation, see which doctor fits best to the patient, who has the precedence. Toramaru is still young, but he's one of the best nurses in the entire hospital and Shuuya knows this just by looking at how he works for a couple of days. Shuuya knows he will do fine today.

“You good?” he asks, because he genuinely likes Toramaru, how his eyes lit up when someone compliments him or when he gets something right without other people telling him how to do it.

Toramaru doesn’t look up, “Yeah.” 

“Then I’m going to check on Coat 2.” 

“You should.” 

Shuuya shakes his head, “The phone isn’t going away, you know that right?” 

Toramaru hums. 

Umihara, another ER nurse (this is the first time they shared a shift, Shuuya more used to Nurse Kudou Fuyuka than Nurse Umihara Norika), seated next to Toramaru, laughs, “He’s very focused, Doctor.” 

Shuuya nods, patting Toramaru’s shoulder, “I noticed.”

He puts down the tablet—he was filling in his last patient’s medical records—on the counter. 

Shuuya knows he can’t say that. He can’t even think, that. It’s the first rule of ER. Never say or think those words. But he’s still new. He doesn’t have calluses like Nosaka (he hates the fact he has to answer to Nosaka, but he is his senior, despite Shuuya being older than him) or Nishikage. So, Shuuya slips and he tells himself: _it’s so quiet, today._

That’s when Umihara yells _Doctor!_ And since Shuuya is the only one with a medical degree and with the professional qualification to be a doctor in her proximity, he has to be also the one to answer her call. He can imagine Nosaka smirking from whenever he is. 

ER is dangerous simply because you don’t know who you are going to get as a patient. It could be a lovely woman or a charming man or also a crazy criminal who threatens to kill you every five seconds when you try to stitch their wounds meanwhile the police officer has to keep in place (it happened five times in a week). Nosaka tends to give Shuuya the worst people, and he knows it’s intentional, maybe as a type of training for Shuuya, but it’s getting tiring to have to deal with nasty cases or people. 

He turns. Umihara is walking fast in the direction of a guy with brown hair and a questionable orange headband. He is visibly limping, attempting to get out of the ER. Shuuya can’t see his face, but he can see someone else standing in front of the automatic doors, arms opened to block his passage, expression serious and blue bangs covering half of his face.

Shuuya tries to get in the situation. The guy doesn’t seem dangerous, but he mentally checks for his pager and his syringe with a sedative in his pocket, just for precaution. He takes a deep breath and gets close. 

“What’s going on?” he questions, Umihara looking more annoyed than anything.

“Oh no, you are one of them,” the man says, not even looking at Shuuya’s face, just his white coat.

Shuuya raises an eyebrow, “One of them?” 

“He means doctors,” the other one interjects their conversation. He looks very stressed, his long blue hair sticking out of his tall ponytail, the automatic door behind opening and closing, sensing his presence. 

“He doesn’t like doctors?” Shuuya asks. 

Before Hot Blue Hair can answer him, Orange Headband stops him, pouting, “I’m here, you know.”

“If you stopped acting like a child, maybe the doctor would talk to you and not to me.”

“I’m not acting like a child! I don’t need a doctor, or being here. I want to go home. l just need to take a nap or something, Kazemaru.” 

The one Shuuya believes to be Kazemaru snorts, “I don’t think you can cure your broken ankle with a nap!”

“It’s not broken!”

“You can’t know if you don’t check!”

Orange Headband crosses his arms, “Okay, I’ll check. But if it isn't broken, I’m going home,” he says as confidence is overflowing from him, like he’s sure about his ankle not being broken. Shuuya admires his resolution, but he knows a broken bone is more likely considering the swallowing and the limping.

Shuuya turns around to share a look with Umihara. She shrugs. Shuuya sighs. 

“Okay, let’s get you to check you in,” then he asks Umihara for a wheelchair. 

“I don’t need a wheelchair,” Orange Headband sounds offended, “I can walk.” 

Shuuya passes a hand through his blonde hair—they are getting too long—and exhales. He tells Umihara to wait. 

“Let’s go, then,” Shuuya moves his hand in the general direction of the ER. 

Orange Headband tries to put his bad foot down (which it wasn’t touching the ground before, because it’s broken and Shuuya is aware of how much it hurts), but the pain wins and the man almost screams. When he looks up, his eyes are glossy, but on his lips there is an apologetic smile. 

“Nurse Umihara.” 

“I’ll be right back.” 

Orange Headband pouts a little when Umihara comes back with the wheelchair, but he sits without complaints, still trying to overcome the pang of pain.

They put him in Coat 1. 

He gets closer to the nurse station to retrieve his tablet, Toramaru looks up from the phone for the first time in an hour, “Doctor Nosaka told me to tell you that Coat 1 is yours and he’s taking two for you.” 

Nosaka is a little bitch since Coat 2 is about to get discharged. 

Shuuya groans, “Of course he is.” 

He enters Coat 1 as he disinfects his hands for the examination. Kazemaru, the worried friend, is on the phone, muttering something Shuuya can’t catch, meanwhile Umihara is asking Orange Headband a few questions to fill in the paperwork for the check in. 

“Name?” 

“Endou Mamoru.”

“Age?”

“Twenty-eight.” 

Shuuya spaces out. He looks around, but he knows everything about this room. It’s the same as the others. So, he shifts his gaze on the patient. Endou Mamoru, twenty-eight, not a big fan of doctors.

The orange headband is very questionable, but he will not comment on his patients’ fashion sense, even if this guy is wearing only gym clothes. He has round eyes, warm and brown, colour matching his spiky hair. His puffed cheeks are full of freckles, lips pursed. He looks very annoyed. He’s one of those people so easy to read and understand with a glance.

Shuuya prides himself in being good in the noble discipline of people watching, with his favourite activity being looking out of windows. 

This Endou guy looks like everything Shuuya isn’t: talkative, loud, excited about little things (Shuuya doesn’t miss the curiosity in his eyes for being in an unfamiliar space), always telling what it is on his mind without fearing consequences. Shuuya can’t say he hates people like that because he’d like very much to be a little more open, to have the capability of letting people in—Endou looks like someone who is physically incapable of not letting people in, already laughing with Umihara even if the situation doesn’t make him comfortable enough--Shuuya can see the way he moves his hands up and down his thighs and the way he eyes the clock on the wall.

The only person he can open up to is his little sister. And he doesn’t even know why, but growing up in the same environment, with a father who wasn’t a father at all, but only a demanding adult, made it easier. Yuuka already knows what it’s like, so he doesn’t have to explain with words what he is going through. But even Yuuka sometimes doesn’t get him, since Shuuya decided that his little sister didn’t deserve to be in the same cage as him. He took all the expectations, everything his father wanted from her, too, so she could be free for the both of them. He is stuck with this, but she is doing what she wants to do; she is an artist, her paintings and art projects being known internationally. Shuuya doesn’t regret anything when he sees her smile, proud and happy with herself. Being an older brother is a job and Shuuya took it seriously. Maybe too seriously. 

“Doctor,” Umihara looks at him, confusion in her eyes, hand on his arm trying to get his attention, “Are you listening?” 

“I got distracted, sorry,” he says, blush creeping on his skin. He thanks his dad for his dark skin complexion capable of hiding the redness—it’s the only good thing his dad gave him.

Endou Mamoru has his warm brown eyes set on him, “You space out a lot at work?” 

“Only when my patients are naughty,” he retorts, eyes focused on his ankle, “let’s see what you got, here.” 

Umihara gives him a pair of blue gloves. He puts them on quickly. 

He gets closer, then his eyes meet Endou Mamoru’s, “I am about to touch you, do you mind?” 

Better be safe with someone who doesn’t like doctors. The last time it didn’t end up well.

Endou Mamoru’s face turns from annoyed to surprised, “S-sure, you can, I guess.”

The ankle looks bad, “On a scale to one to ten, if I do this—Shuuya uses his index finger to touch it—how much does it hurt?” 

The patient closes his eyes at the touch, biting his lips, breathing accelerating, “Uhm… I… I… think… eight.” 

He keeps touching Endou Mamoru’s ankle to feel the bone and the skin. It’s really swollen, more than he thought, and too red and he knows he is hurting Endou, right now, but he has to do it by the book.

Shuuya hums, “Okay. Nurse Umihara, could you order a XR? I think it’s broken, but it’s better to be sure.”

Umihara goes away, phone already in her hands, her curly hair bouncing as she walks. 

“What did we tell you?” Kazemaru states. 

“He doesn’t know if it’s broken, yet.” 

“Yet,” Kazemaru turns towards Shuuya, who is still looking at Endou Mamoru’s ankle, “Doctor, tell me, are you going to keep him here?”

Shuuya straightens himself, taking off his gloves, “We have to check the entity of the damage. I don’t think this is going to be the case, but there is the possibility of a surgery.”

“You are going to open me up?” he sounds terrified. 

Kazemaru bites his lips and he puts a hand on Endou Mamoru’s knee, squeezing. They share a look between them.

Shuuya puts his hands in his white coat’s pockets, “Probably no, it won’t be necessary. But I can see you tried to walk on it, so there is a chance of additional damage I can’t see without a XR.”

Kazemaru doesn’t say anything. 

“There is a possibility to leave before, let’s say, 6AM tomorrow morning?” Endou Mamoru asks, but his tone is defeated. 

“No, I’m sorry, no possibility of leaving for now.” 

Endou Mamoru whines, “The kids are going to be sad, we were going to do a ping pong tournament tomorrow!”

Shuuya tilts his head, but doesn’t voice his curiosity. Kids? 

Kazemaru closes the zip of his jacket, “I think they will understand since you have a broken bone. I’ll call the school for you. Look, I have a funeral in thirty minutes. Call me or text me if there are any changes.”

Funeral? 

Endou Mamoru makes a face, then he looks away, redness on his cheeks and he huffs an embarrassed laugh out, “I don’t have my phone…”

“You are kidding me, Mamoru.”

“You dragged me out! I didn’t have the time to pick it up. Plus, I don’t have my keys.”

“I can’t go home and you know we have to leave tonight.”

“Sorry,” Endou tries.

Kazemaru sighs, loudly, then he scratches his scalp. Endou Mamoru has his eyes settled on his friend (boyfriend?) waiting for him to make a decision. 

Shuuya doesn’t expect to be talked to, but Kazemaru looks very done with everything and apparently someone died, so Shuuya feels sorry for him, “Look, I know I’m about to ask something really unprofessional to you, but you look like a good person and we are probably the same age, so I don’t feel really bad.”

Shuuya is confused, he knows his eyebrows have now reached his hairline, “Yeah?” 

“Can I give you my number? I’m not going home for two weeks and I can’t physically go to get his phone back at our house and I don’t know what to do. I don’t have anyone to ask, nor right now.”

“Wait, but F—” Endou tries to say, but Kazemaru stops him with a glance. Endou closes his mouth, fast.

“You want me to text updates on… him?” Shuuya vaguely points at Endou, who seems horrified.

“Yeah? Do you mind?”

Shuuya sighs, “I’m not allowed to.” 

Kazemaru licks his lips, “I understand, but…”

“But I’m going to do it anyway. Give me your number.” 

He knows he can’t do it, but the dumbass broke his ankle and apparently he has kids? And this man looks very stressed and there is a funeral involved. To add it to the mix, Shuuya can’t say no to handsome men who are very handsome. Especially when they are desperate for Shuuya to help them. 

So, this is how he got in this mess with Endou Mamoru and friends. 

He doesn’t really regret it. 

His alarm goes off at 6AM. His room fills with singing _ice cream chilling chilling ice cream chilling_ —Yuuka changed his alarm tone _again_ to whatever song she likes these days.

Before he can open his eyes and stop it, something jumps on him. Not something, someone. He hears a soft meow, and then he feels claws on his exposed chest, his room too hot to sleep with his pajamas on.

He opens one eye. A few centimetres from his face there is a cat. Bright blue irises focused on him, whiskers brushing against his skin.

“Good morning to you too,” Shuuya murmurs, slowly raising his arm to pet the kitty between her ears. 

Having someone else living with him is good for Shuuya, even if it’s a demanding little cat who is always hungry and likes to bite every part of Shuuya’s body, leaving behind red and nasty scratches. Shuuya enjoys her company and the warmth that comes with it. 

Adopting a cat was Natsumi’s idea. She said more in the form of a joke than advice. But it stuck with Shuuya, so he spent all of his free time (ergo, during lunch and dinner) searching for a kitty to adopt. Then, he found her. She was three weeks old and scrawny, her white fur matching Shuuya’s hair. The next day she was at home with him. This is how he became the owner—more like the slave—of Elizabeth Bennet, Lizzie for short. Yeah. A Pride & Prejudice reference. He’s like that. What did you expect, Ferrari?

Lizzie pushes her snout against Shuuya’s face, licking his cheeks with her rough tongue. Then she meows. With insistence. 

“Yeah, yeah, I’m coming, princess,” he sits down, rubs his eyes. He glances at the mirror in front of his bed and sighs when he sees the state of his hair. Too long, completely a mess, sticking everywhere. He takes the hairband on his nightstand and ties it up, leaving future Shuuya to deal with it. 

He gets up, Lizzie jumping down to follow him to the kitchen. He opens a can of cat food for her and then he looks at the clock. His shift starts in one hour. He needs to go now if he doesn’t want to be late. He doesn’t bother making breakfast, knowing he will get something at the cafeteria when he arrives. Aki’s cooking is the best and he knows if she wanted to, she could open a bakery because her pastries are to die for. 

Shuuya pets Lizzie once again, for good measure. He spends little time with her because of work, so he tries to be affectionate as much as he can when they are together. Then he goes to the bathroom to shower.

His house is too big. Really, too big for him. He only sleeps and showers in it, most of the time. He doesn’t remember the last time someone came over or when he used the kitchen. 

Also, he’s a forty-five drive from the hospital and he doesn’t drive. Sometimes, Natsumi drives him to work, Yuuka too, when she can, but most times he takes the bus. It’s not functional to him at all, but the alternative is going back to his dad’s place because he doesn’t have the time to search for another house, especially now that he’s in the ER. At least, now Lizzie is with him. 

Shit. He still didn’t tell his father about his transfer, now coming to think about it, and the old man is insisting on having dinner soon, something about not seeing him in years. Shuuya knows it’s only been two months, actually, and he likes it that way.

Shuuya rests his forehead against the shower tiles. 

Natsumi said temporary like she meant it, but he doesn’t know how much it’s going to take to be back in Cardiology and he’s scared to admit to himself the fact that he doesn’t want to come back there. His father will have his head if he finds out about his little problem. Being a surgeon without the capability to do a surgery it’s shameful to the Gouenji's name. His father and his grandfather were both successful and affirmed surgeons, their reputation preceding them. Here comes the heir, incapable of holding a scalpel. Funny, isn’t it?

There is only one thing he doesn’t understand. It was fine, in medical school. He opened bodies every other day without having to throw up. Coming to the hospital, everyone knew he would be the first to have the chance to join a surgery. And then the day came. Professor Kira told him in private that she wanted him as her first assistant (Shuuya still doesn’t know why she didn’t tell him in front of the other residents, since their field is super competitive and Professors love to see young surgeons kill each other for a spot, but nonetheless, Shuuya is still grateful for her discretion) and he was excited, of course. Then, he set foot in the OR.

He used to have panic attacks, when he was in Germany. They came back sporadically in medical school, but that day, it was the worst panic attack he ever had. Professor Kira had to sit with him until the end of it. It was so embarrassing and Shuuya never felt so… so bad. And weak. Full of shame. The Professor told him to go and rest. He didn’t. He walked the forty-five drive home. 

He didn’t know what to do. He still doesn’t. He doesn’t get it. What changed? Why now? And not before? He can’t tell his father. He doesn’t want to worry Yuuka. Natsumi knows something, but not everything and the only thing Kidou told him was to go and see a therapist. He can’t see a therapist. If his father—

He takes a deep breath. This is going nowhere. He can’t fix his problems under the stream of his shower. 

It would be so simple if he stopped existing, being perceived and everything. He could be a blob or something.

Instead, he is a stressed human being. 

  
  


Aki gives him extra cookies. 

“Do I look that bad?” 

“I don’t think you can physically look bad,” she’s cleaning the counter, her short hair pulled back with a lot of pink hairpins, “Just a little bit sad.” 

Shuuya sips his coffee, “Thanks. For the cookies.”

“I don’t want to overstep, but… are you okay?” 

Shuuya tilts his head at that. Is he okay? Great question for which he doesn’t have an answer. 

“I’ve been better,” he bites a cookie, “but don’t worry about me.”

Aki smiles, so kind and gentle. Her smile feels like a hug, “I’m just checking on you. It’s my duty.”

“I thought your duty was not to let us starve?” 

Aki laughs, “Food is more than that, and you know it. A cup of coffee makes you warm, but when you share it with someone you love it’s better, isn’t it? I do my part in making people's lives a little better. I’m not saving life like you, but I try to put love in what I do.” 

Shuuya looks at her. Her cheeks always pink, her eyes always bright, her smile always kind. 

Shuuya smiles.   
  


When he enters the ER, Toramaru is waiting for him. 

“It’s about your patient.” 

“Which one?” 

“Coat 1.” 

“I thought we passed him over to Orthopaedics. He needed a cast.” 

“Yeah, but he tried to leave before even having an evaluation. He fell over his bed, so now he has an open wound on his forehead and you need to stitch it.” 

“Why? Is Doctor Someoka unable to close a scratch as much as he's unable to control his patients?” 

Toramaru snickers, “Doctor Someoka wanted me to tell you he has enough patients to deal with and you looked bored at breakfast.” 

Fucking asshole. 

Toramaru hands him over a pair of gloves and his tablet. 

“No phone duty, today?” Shuuya asks. 

Toramaru shakes his head in response, “I’m assigned to you, today. Doctor Nosaka’s orders.”

“Oh, look at you betraying me,” Shuuya teases him, “What did I do now that pissed him off?”

He starts walking over Coat 1, Toramaru following him closely, “You know, Nosaka respects you, right?” 

“He says he respects me,” Shuuya points out, “But then he acts differently. But I don’t care. So, what did I do?” 

“It’s about the acute gastritis,” Toramaru says, “He said the patient didn’t like your attitude.” 

Shuuya sighs, “My attitude?” he pushes the button of the dispenser of hand sanitizer. He cleans his hands and then puts on his gloves. 

“She thought you were an asshole because you didn’t assure her.” 

Shuuya huffs a laugh, “She wasn’t dying.” 

“Yeah, but she wanted to be reassured. And you, as her doctor, should’ve done it.” 

Shuuya alts before entering in Coat 1, “You are to babysit me and sign me when I need to console my patients?” 

“Basically.” 

“Okay, let’s go to see Endou Mamoru, then.” 

  
  


Someone gave Endou Mamoru some gauze to soak up the blood coming out of his new injury. It’s a lot of blood, enough to make Shuuya worried about it.

“Good morning,” he says, because apparently he’s being an asshole on the job, “How’s it going?” 

Endou Mamoru opens his eyes, a little bit too droopy to Shuuya to feel comfortable. He tells Toramaru to get a saline solution.

“If I have to be honest, I’ve… been better.” 

“I can see that,” Shuuya gets closer, “I heard you fell this morning. Do you have a headache, perchance?” 

“About that. Could you not tell Kazemaru?” 

Shuuya arches an eyebrow, “I’ll try. So, headache?”

“Not that much. It just… pulses. And it stings.” 

Shuuya sighs, “Okay. I don’t think you have a concussion since you are pretty much reactive. Maybe a little dehydrated. How was your sleep?”

Endou Mamoru looks up at the white ceiling, thinking about his answer, “This is not a five star hotel, but it was okay.” 

“Do you hate hospitals that much?” 

“Let’s say they aren’t my favourite place to end up in. I prefer open spaces instead of white sad walls.”

Shuuya can understand that.

“You can stop putting pressure on it. I’m going to clean it and stitch it for you.” 

Endou Mamoru lowers his hand. Shuuya can see the cut, now, and it’s a bad cut. He asks himself how this man hurt himself so bad in the last forty-eight hours.

“After that, can you find my headband? I lost it somewhere.” 

“Sure, I’ll ask Nurse Utsunomiya to find it for you.” 

He gets the patient in a comfortable position to stitch him. Toramaru, always prepared, already set up everything he needs. 

Shuuya gets ready to start cleaning the wound, “It’s going to sting a bit,” he warns him, gently. 

Endou Mamoru simply nods.

They are really close, Shuuya can feel Endou Mamoru raggedy breathing against his face. 

This is normal, it happens a lot of times, but this way Shuuya can see Endou Mamoru’s freckles a lot better. 

Nice freckles, they cover all of his nose and cheeks, making him look a lot more softer and with the way Endou’s behaves, they match his young vibe.

Endou Mamoru keeps moving, so Shuuya has to put a hand on his cheek, to keep him stable.

“Don’t move,” he whispers as his fingers brush against Endou’s heated skin. He doesn’t look uncomfortable, though, so Shuuya doesn’t feel too guilty for touching him without permission.

“I tried to sneak out, sorry.”

Endou Mamoru’s voice startles Shuuya and he puts too much pressure on the wound. 

Endou Mamoru winces, but he smiles, “Sorry,” he says again. 

“No, I’m the one who is sorry.”

This is weird. Patients don’t speak to him. It’s his thing. They are too terrified to speak to him (maybe Nosaka and that lady are right, he is a bit of an asshole), because he has this demeanour that puts every attempt of conversation off. He doesn’t seem the type you want to talk to.

“Anyway,” Endou Mamoru brushes it off quickly, like Shuuya didn’t hurt him at all, “I tried to get away. It was a bad idea.” 

Shuuya tries to not laugh, “You noticed before or after you almost opened your skull?” 

“I think it was after,” Endou Mamoru answers, seriously. 

Shuuya starts his job back, “Well, I’m glad you did.” 

“But,” he adds, “In my defence, yesterday my ankle didn’t hurt that much so…”

“You thought you could walk on it after a nap,” Shuuya ends his thought for him, “Even if I don’t understand how you did it. You walked on a broken bone, about what? Two days?” 

Endou Mamoru giggles, then he winces when Shuuya resumes his wound cleaning, “No, it was like… fifteen hours? I have a high pain tolerance, so I didn’t think too much about it. I thought it was sprained or something, so I got home and iced it. But yesterday morning, I tried to walk on it and Kazemaru was there so it got messy.” 

Shuuya hums, “Not thinking about seeing a doctor.”

Endou Mamoru shamelessly laughs and Shuuya has to stop once again his work, “It’s not that… it’s just… I don’t get sick easily? And when I do I just sleep on it and feel better the next day,” he explains, but adds fast when he notices Shuuya shaking his head in disagreement, “But I get it… it doesn’t work when you broke a bone. I promise I will behave from now on.” 

Shuuya looks at him in the eyes, “We are making progress, then.” 

Endou Mamoru nods, “Still hate the hospital, though. Too many bad memories.”

Shuuya doesn’t comment on that. He could ask, but this is already weird. He never talked so much with a patient before, and if it did happen, it was about their condition. This conversation feels… personal. Too much, maybe. It’s something strange for Shuuya.

He picks up a syringe filled with anaesthetic from the tray next to him. 

“Wow, wow, wow… what are you going to do with it?” 

“I’m going to anesthetize the area of your wound so it doesn’t hurt when I stitch it.”

“Why is it so big?” Endou Mamoru asks, a bit terrified. 

“It’s not that big.”

“It is, Doctor.”

“Look, I did this injection to a five years old two days ago and he didn’t complain. Why are you complaining?” 

“I’m not complaining, I’m just saying it’s really big. And I don’t think the child kept it quiet. I work with children, I’m familiar with their behaviour.” 

Shuuya decides to let him talk to distract him enough to give him this puncture, “Oh, what’s your job, then?” 

“I’m a professo—ouch!” his eyes fill with tears, “That wasn’t fair!” 

Shuuya puts the syringe back on the tray and he tries not to smile in satisfaction, because it wouldn't be proper and respectful, “What are you going to do about it?” 

“I thought we were friends, Doctor, but instead you betrayed me,” Endou Mamoru crosses his arms over his chest—he’s wearing the ugly blue hospital gown—, but there is mischievousness in his eyes. 

Shuuya is so confused right now. Why is this stranger calling him… friend? 

Toramaru comes back, finally, with the saline solution. 

Shuuya lets him insert it in Endou’s veins. He’s supposed to supervise, since Toramaru is still a nurse in training, but he knows how good Toramaru is, so he gives himself a little break to space out. This stranger called him friend. It’s weird how little words can trigger you and put you back in a certain headspace.

For Shuuya, it’s hard making friends. He struggles a lot to get along with other people and sometimes instead of developing a friendship, he develops a rivalry (like with Someoka or Nosaka or… well, the list is long). He became best friends with Natsumi and Kidou when he was still a child and didn’t already develop the trauma that made him difficult to approach. 

Med school was a nightmare, too. He couldn’t really make friends because he was always studying to keep his place at the top of the class, but also because everyone knew who is father was and they didn’t like him because of that. Only Fubuki was kind enough to become friends of sorts. 

So, it’s weird hearing someone new call him friend. 

Shuuya arrives at the conclusion that Endou Mamoru is weird. But, he doesn’t really mind. 

“Yo, Doctor?” Endou snaps two fingers in front of his face. 

“Oh, sorry,” Shuuya says. 

“Wow, you do really space out a lot. Are you okay?” 

“I’m perfectly fine,” then he turns towards Toramaru, “The IV?” 

“It’s in, Doctor.”

“Good, now we can stitch you and send you back upstairs to Doctor Someoka. I believe he’s excited to have you back.”

He takes between his fingers the suture kit. He gets on his feet and looks at the cut on Endou Mamoru’s forehead. 

“As I was telling you before you betrayed me, I’m a high school professor,” Endou starts talking again, and Shuuya has to remind him to keep still if he wants to keep his face how it is. He puts his hand against his cheek again, to hold him still. 

Endou closes his mouth, but Shuuya can sense him fidgeting as it being still and quiet for too long is going to kill him. 

Luckily, the cut isn’t deeper than Shuuya expected, so two stitches will suffice. He does it quickly. Shuuya is surprised by himself when he remembers that he’s actually good at what he does. His stitches are perfect, at the level of an expert surgeon. Well, what a weird thing to be happy about.

“Am I going to scar?” Endou asks when Shuuya tells him everything is done. 

Toramaru interjects, “Doctor Gouenji’s work is perfect. There’ll be no trace, Mister Endou,” he’s getting ready to put some bandages on Endou’s forehead.

Shuuya doesn’t comment. 

He turns to leave, already taking off his used gloves, when Endou’s voice stops him, “Wait, I didn’t tell you what my job is!” 

Shuuya looks at him, “You did. You are a high school professor.” 

Endou snickers, “It’s not just that. I’m also a coach for both the high school and elementary soccer teams,” he sounds so proud to tell Shuuya this piece of information. 

“Sounds like a lot of children,” Shuuya observes. 

“Yeah. It’s an awful lot,” but there isn’t a bit of malice in his tone, “This is why I don’t think that your five year old patient didn’t complain at least once. Maybe they tried to act tough, but…” 

“You don’t believe in strong resilient children, then.”

“Oh, trust me, I believe in them because I know how much a child can be resilient even if they are not acting tough. They are a force of nature. They also like to be heard. They share their opinions. So, if a child sees you with a syringe, they are going to point out everything about that syringe. And if they keep quiet, don’t think for a second their brains aren’t working on something. And don’t let me start on the teenagers.“

“You sound like you enjoy what you do,” Toramaru comments, gauze in his hands.

Endou smiles, “Yeah. There isn’t anything I love more than my kids. Maybe soccer, but that was more my fifteen year old self.”

Shuuya feels his eyes grow bigger when he notices the honesty and the love and the affection in this man’s tone. Maybe it’s because nobody talked about him in the way Endou is talking about his students. Shuuya can’t believe there is someone passionate enough about his job to smile just thinking about it. 

“Is this why you wanted to leave this morning?” 

Endou scratches his head, embarrassment creeping on his cheeks, “Yeah, I wanted to reassure them.” 

Shuuya nods, “I don’t think showing up limping and bleeding was a great idea,” he adds.

Endou laughs, “It wasn’t, you are right. But I got hurt in class in front of them, and they were really worried. Also, I don’t have my phone so…” 

Shuuya sighs, “I’ll text Mister Kazemaru to ask him about them. Is it okay?” 

Endou’s smile is so big, it’s almost blinding. 

“Tell Someoka to do another XR,” Shuuya whispers to Toramaru on the way out. 

“Can I ask why, Doctor?” 

“He did walk and fell on his bad ankle, Toramaru. I think it’s better if we check if everything is okay.”

“All right. I have to find his headband, too, right?”

“If you don’t mind…” 

Toramaru mutters _no problem_ and leaves. Shuuya looks back into Coat 1. Endou has his eyes closed, resting against the pillows, IV almost done. 

What a weird guy. 

He takes out his phone to text Kazemaru.

The difficult thing about texting a stranger is, in fact, texting a stranger. Shuuya is in the ER break room—doctors here come to study, sleep, eat, drink and complain—sitting at the desk, cell phone in hand, trying to compose a message that isn’t too friendly but neither too serious. He is, indeed, struggling because of a few words. Words are not his strongest feat, if he needs to be honest with himself. He knows words, but he isn’t that good at using them. He’s more of an action type of person. He can do things, he can’t say them.

_Gouenji: How do you start a text for someone you don’t know_

_Kidou: Hello, I’m Doctor Gouenji Shuuya._

_Gouenji: You are right thanks what I would do without you_

_Kidou: You are welcome._

_Gouenji: You are useless_

_Kidou: I’m sorry I have a patient now. Bye!_

Shuuya drops his head against the table in the middle of the break room.

“Rough day?” Nurse Kudou Fuyuka approaches him. She’s back at work and that’s nice because she has a calming presence both for doctors and patients.

Fuyuka offers him a small cup of coffee. It’s the vending machine one, and it’s quite disgusting, but Shuuya feels the need to be comforted by what he knows best: caffeine.

“Thanks. And it’s still early to be a rough day, but I’m feeling it.”

She hums and drinks a little bit of her tea—she doesn’t drink coffee, Shuuya envies her a little bit, “Well, if it’s of any consolation, you are doing great. I talked with my father yesterday at our family lunch, and he’s impressed about your performance.”

Shuuya has his hands against the warm paper cup, “Yeah?”

Fuyuka tilts her head, “You don’t believe me?”

Shuuya tucks a lock of his hair behind his ear, his low pony-tail slowly coming undone, “No, I believe you, but Professor Kudou could’ve told me in person.”

“I admit, my father isn’t the most conventional man in the world.”

“He really isn’t. I think he has yet to speak a word to me and it’s been a week.”

She chuckles, “But he believes in your ability as a doctor and you are proving him right. Maybe I shouldn’t tell you, but he put in a formal request to get you down here.”

Shuuya knows his mouth is open, forming a perfect ‘o’. Why would Professor Kudou ask for him? Specifically? It doesn’t make sense. Shuuya doesn’t have experience in the ER, except for when he was obliged by the rule of residency to switch between departments, but that was in his first year. And his performance wasn’t the best. Maybe Professor Kira asked him a favour, to take the troubled kid out of her hands. He gets that, but hearing Fuyuka’s words makes him wonder: perhaps Professor Kudou saw something in him… if there is something in him to see. Is there hope for him? Can he keep doing this? Shuuya wants to find out.

“That’s nice to hear, Nurse Kudou.”

“I’m glad, Doctor Gouenji.”

She finishes her tea, leaving Shuuya to drink his disgusting coffee.

“I’ll go, then,” but she stops before crossing the door, her lavender bangs almost covering her eyes, “Oh, and please, Doctor, take care of Endou Mamoru.” But before Shuuya can answer, she’s already out of the break room.

Shuuya feels confused, but he doesn’t have time to be. He needs to go, too. His break is taking too long. But he promised—he didn’t, but it feels like he did—to write to Kazemaru. About Endou Mamoru.

This man is everywhere. How is it possible?

He sighs, takes his phone and tries again.

_Gouenji: Hello, it’s Doctor Gouenji Shuuya from Inazuma General Hospital. I’m texting you regarding Endou Mamoru. I don’t know if you remember me._

_Kazemaru: Oh, Doctor! Yes, of course, I remember! I was thinking about Endou, actually. How’s he?_

Shuuya thinks about his ankle and the wound of his forehead. He sighs again.

_Gouenji: He’s in Orthopaedics, now. There was a little accident involving him trying to escape, but it’s everything under control, now._

_Kazemaru: He tried to leave, didn’t he? This is why I can’t take him anywhere. Anyway, thank you, Doctor. Please, if isn’t too much, keep me posted._

_Gouenji: Yeah, of course. Another thing, the patient asked me to ask you about his students. He seemed worried about them._

_Kazemaru: Endou always thinks about the kids and never about him. I’ll get in contact with one of his students and tell them he’s fine and they shouldn’t worry about him. Can you tell him the same? They are old enough, they can live without their gym teacher._

_Gouenji: I’ll deliver your message. Thank you for your reply._

_Kazemaru: Oh Doctor, don’t be so formal. I believe we are of the same age. Let’s get comfortable talking to each other, since we’ll talk a lot because of Endou._

_Gouenji: Oh, sure._

_Kazemaru: Now I’ll leave you to do your work. Thanks again! 😊_

And this is done, too.

He goes out to do his rounds.

He’s having lunch in the cafeteria when Doctor Someoka Ryuugo sits in front of him. Shuuya is used to eating alone, sometimes with Fubuki when he gets out of his cave in the dungeon, that being the Pathology Department.

Apparently, Doctor Someoka Ryuugo didn’t get the memo. Pink buzz cut and strong eyeliner enters in his line of sight and Shuuya sets the chopstick on the bowl. Then, he crosses his arms. Slowly.

“Doctor Someoka, how can I help you?”

“It’s about the new XR. Why did you order it?”

Shuuya sighs, hair falling on his face. He doesn’t know why Someoka chose him as his rival, something going since med school. One day, Someoka just picked him and started to work to surpass Shuuya in every subject. The problem was, Shuuya didn’t, no ever once, reciprocate the feeling of rivalry. He liked Someoka just fine, but he already had someone to motivate him to study hard and to do fine, that someone being his over controlling father. 

Someoka still doesn’t get that.

“Because I was worried about his fall. Did it turn out fine?”

“He needs a surgery,” Someoka growls, that being his voice and not him being angry.

Shuuya nods, “He walked on it too many times.”

Someoka stabs his carrot with his fork, “Do you want to attend it?”

Shuuya knows the look on his face and he hates it. He feels terrified, just thinking about entering an operation room makes the colour disappear from his face.

“I’ll skip that, if you don’t mind,” he tries, picking up his chopsticks. 

“I was asking because it’s your patient.”

“I believe he’s yours, now.”

Someoka shrugs, “I don’t think he likes me very much. He keeps asking about you.”

“Don’t take it personal,” Shuuya comments, “he doesn’t like doctors.”

“Except you,” Someoka teases, a snicker on his rough face.

Shuuya arches an eyebrow.

Someoka takes a bite of his carrot, then adds, “Look, do you mind telling him about the surgery, at least? The scan just came in and I have to be in the OR in five minutes.”

“I’m in ER, not in Orthopaedics,” he argues.

“Yeah, I know. But we are understaffed and I’m borrowing you for like, ten minutes, just the time to take the elevator and go to the patient and tell him we have to open him up because he was so dumb to hurt himself even more,” Someoka says, practically growling.

Shuuya keeps quiet and Someoka finishes eating his lunch.

“So, what are you going to do?”

“Send me the scan,” he splutters, getting up. He goes towards the recycle bins and methodically separates his garbage.

His tablet dings.

Shuuya doesn’t look back when he gets out of the cafeteria, even if he knows the entity of the smirk on Someoka’s face.

Shuuya is in the elevator, checking Endou Mamoru’s new XR and he sighs. This man ruined a perfect fracture. He didn’t see the first one, because he sent Endou upstairs without having the need to do it. His case was easy and ER needs to have at least one room empty at every hour. But now, looking at them side by side, he shakes his head. Yeah, he needs surgery. Soon as possible if they want him to keep walking without consequences. He doesn’t know how this man isn’t crying in pain.

He walks in the Orthopaedics Department. It’s one the same floor as Cardiology, just in the opposite direction. It’s been a week since he set foot here.

Shuuya takes a deep breath.

He looks around, nurses are doing their rounds, and there is only one doctor, still a student, writing something on her tablet. He doesn’t disturb her. He goes to find Handa, the only nurse he knows in the department.

“Hey,” he greets the other man.

Handa Shinichi smiles politely, “Doctor, how can I help you?”

“Doctor Someoka entrusted me with a patient. Can I know his room?”

Handa nods, “Sure, name?”

“Endou Mamoru, broken ankle?”

“He’s in Room 10. You know the way.”

Shuuya thanks him.

“Hello,” Shuuya opens the door to the room.

Endou turns to look at him. He isn’t sleeping, but he isn’t doing much, either. Shuuya notices how fidgety he is, fingers twisting on the bed sheets. At least, he isn’t trying to escape. Oh, and the questionable orange headband is back in place. Without a sign of blood.

Toramaru’s work, for sure.

“Oh, Doctor. Twice in a day? I must be really lucky.”

Shuuya grimaces, “Apparently I’m the only doctor without a busy schedule. How are you feeling?”

“I’m fine, how about you?”

“I’m the physician here, not you.”

Endou laughs, “It’s only polite to ask.”

Shuuya sits next on the chair next to the bed, “So,” he tucks in another strand of hair—he tends to forget to tie his pony-tail tighter, “You said you were fine.”

“I am.”

“Your ankle? Does it hurt?”

“Not that much. But I have to be honest, the nurses keep pushing morphine inside by IV bag,” Endou jokes.

Shuuya needs to get better at this. And also, his lunch break it’s about to end and he isn’t in the mood to disappoint Professor Kudou, not after what Fuyuka told him.

“I have the results of your second XR,” he starts and Endou doesn’t stop him, “And there is new damage. They have to operate you before putting your ankle in a cast.”

Endou rests his head against the pillow defeated, “Fuck. Is that so necessary?”

“It is, I’m sorry.”

“A nap won’t fix this,” he whispers.

Shuuya decides to ignore the comment, “An operation will mean extending your stay here. Probably a month, without physio, but it’s too early to have that discussion.”

“Oh, yeah, holidays!” Endou raises his arms in a mocking gesture, “I really needed a vacation, you know. Kazemaru keeps bugging me about taking a break. Now, I can take a break,” he says, but his tone betrays the bitterness in what he is saying.

“Look, it’s going to be fine,” he tries to be encouraging, supportive, empathic, whatever thing they want for him, “I know it sounds like a long journey, but you are going to be up in no time.”

Endou pouts, “I don’t believe you.”

Shuuya shrugs. He tried. “I have to go. Someone will come to tell you about the details of your surgery. Until then, please refrain from getting up.”

“You tell me that, but I’m losing my mind, here. There is nothing to do! I can’t even play Candy Crush Saga because I don’t have my phone,” Endou whines, “It’s like being in jail. I’m not used to doing nothing. I’m an outdoor person, Doctor. I run every morning before going to school. And what’s going to happen to my job? They will need to find a sub for me because I’m going to be locked inside this place for a month!”

“You are not going to lose your job. By the way, I contacted your friend, Kazemaru.”

“Oh, what did he say?” Endou stops his rumbling, hope appearing on his face and into his eyes. 

Only hearing Kazemaru’s name made him change his mood. Lucky.

“He said to relax because the kids are going to be fine,” Shuuya can’t remember it exactly, right now, but he trusts this version.

Endou sighs, “Yeah. He’s right. But I’m bored, anyway. Don’t you have, I don’t know, a sudoku?”

Shuuya can’t believe this man, “A sudoku?”

“Yeah,” Endou is almost begging.

“I don’t think I have a sudoku on me, right now.”

“You can find one, I’m sure.”

Shuuya leaves without a reply.

Now, he has to find a sudoku, because apparently this became his life.

The ER is packed with people all afternoon and patients keep coming without break. Shuuya is on an eighteen hours shift, today, so he tries to rest between the rare, but peaceful moments of peace.

He is about to fall asleep when he remembers about the sudoku. Fuck, it completely slipped his mind, between the pregnant woman having a seizure and the man with a iron bar in his arm.

He opens one eye to check the time. It’s a little bit after ten. Probably Endou forgot about asking him about the sudoku. He was probably kidding, playing with Shuuya. And he is most likely already asleep, between the medication and the visits. But his brain doesn’t shut up, so Shuuya gets up from the bed—it’s the one inside the break room, everyone sleeps on it and you can’t be too picky when you are a doctor working in the ER—to look into his bag. He is sure he doesn’t have a sudoku or something similar but he has… a half read Jane Austen novel. It’s been there for months now, since Shuuya lost the motivation somewhere along the re-reading. He browses it, the bookmark falling off. It’s a gift from Yuuka, hand painted by her. Shuuya puts it back inside because it’s pretty and Endou could use a pretty thing, right now.

He hits the book with the palm of his right hand and then he goes out of the break room towards the elevator. The ER is still awake, doctors running around and nurses following them closely. Patients are waiting outside and inside. He keeps walking even if Toramaru looks at him with a question in his eyes.

Shuuya doesn’t know why he is doing this, but his brain won’t let him sleep if he doesn’t and he really needs to sleep, since the graveyard shift is about to begin. He switched it with Kageno because he didn’t feel like going home, texting Yuuka to go and feed Lizzie for him.

The Orthopaedics department is silent, only a few lights still on. He doesn’t stop, already knowing Endou’s room.

He knocks softly and he’s about to turn around and go back because _this is insane_ , _he’s sleeping and_ _this is insane_ , when Endou’s voice invites him in.

“Oh, Doctor, it’s you,” he says, when he sees him, hand still on the door’s handle.

“Yeah, sorry if I—”

“You didn’t wake me up, I was… thinking about time zones.”

“Time zones?” Shuuya asks, hiding the book behind his back.

“Isn't it weird that we live in a place and there is a time and then you go to another place and there isn’t the same time, but a different one?”

“That’s…”

“Anyway, they scheduled my operation. The day after tomorrow at noon.”

Shuuya steps inside the room, “Good, it’s pretty soon, maybe you can leave earlier than we thought.”

“Really?” he looks sad, slouching against the pillows, “I spent all day staring at the white walls without moving because the nurse is keeping me under his watch after this morning. I mean,” Endou passes a hand through his hair, almost pulling out his IV, and Shuuya has to keep himself from running and stop him, “I get it, but I’m bored. I need to move, do something. I can’t do this for a month,” there is something else he wants to add, but Endou closes his mouth before doing it.

“I understand. It sucks,” Shuuya comments.

He knows he should be more… more. Simply, more. But… it’s true that this sucks. He can’t do anything to change Endou’s situation except do what he is already doing, as his doctor. He actually walked up here to give him a book. So, he’s doing more, just with his actions. Which is something Shuuya can do, well. Actions are really his language, more than words.

“It really does,” Endou nods solemnly and Shuuya notices how his eyes shine with amusement, “And you know what sucks more?”

Shuuya humours him, “Oh, please, tell me.”

“I didn’t get my sudoku,” Endou chides Shuuya without missing a beat.

“About that… I had a busy afternoon. And I didn’t have a sudoku, but,” Shuuya’s brain is about to shortcut, he feels it, he’s overthinking everything he’s done to end up like this and the only emotion he’s feeling it’s embarrassment, but he came up here to do this and he’s not a coward, at least, not yet, it might change, soon or later, “I have this,” he hands him the book.

Endou takes it, fingers brushing against Shuuya’s skin.

“Emma by Jane Austen,” Endou reads the title in a whisper.

Shuuya is about to snatch it and run away, when Endou smiles, big, eyes shining, stopping Shuuya’s brain from telling his legs to rush out, “Thank you!” he says.

“Oh, you’ll read it?”

“Why not? I don’t have something better to do,” Endou chuckles, “And to be honest, I hate sudokus. This is better, at least I don’t have to see numbers.”

“Well, then,” Shuuya says, and his face feels so warm, “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight!” Endou waves him as Shuuya strides (he doesn’t run away, he coolly walks) out his room.

This… Endou speaks to him like they are long-time friends. He feels… weird. This is so weird. Nice, too. Really nice. Endou is nice and welcoming and that doesn’t happen often, not to Shuuya. Most of the time, people look at Shuuya with jealousy (because of his looks, because of his father, because of his connections) or with admiration (because of his looks, because of his father, because of his connections). They never glance at him to see Shuuya. People look at him to see his father, or Natsumi, or Yuuka. Endou, for the first time since middle school, looked at him and… that was that.

Also, Shuuya hasn’t yet mastered the ability to make friends, and even if he’s on good terms with his colleagues—at least, the ER ones—he doesn’t think they see him as a friend. He knows he has got only two friends and they are Kidou Yuuto and Natsumi Raimon, just because they stuck with him for years (Kidou fought hard to keep up their friendship even after he went to Germany, video-calling once a week and Shuuya is so grateful for him, because if it was up to him, he would’ve lost contact with Kidou after two weeks). Now, this man… his patient…

This is probably Shuuya’s brain making up scenarios. There is no way Endou Mamoru thinks about him in terms of a friend. Shuuya is projecting. And Endou has got attached to him just because he is his doctor and the only one who has the time to listen to him rumbling about time zones, because no one wants to give Shuuya too much responsibility with other patients.

Shuuya takes the stairs.

It’s 2PM when he wakes up. After nine days, it’s Shuuya’s day off. He’s not going to do anything for the rest of the day. Literally, anything. He’s going to sit on the couch until he falls asleep. He is going to watch some _The Witcher_ , he is going to pet Lizzie and that’s it. Maybe, he will eat something, but he is not too sure about that. He didn’t charge his phone when he came in at 6AM that morning, so it’s dead and he doesn’t even think about charging it. He just knows that before he fell asleep he wrote Kazemaru a text informing him about Endou’s surgery the next day, and that was it.

Work is done. Work is out. Hospital, operations, patients and everything else is not allowed for the next eighteen hours in this realm where Gouenji Shuuya is the king. He’s going to practice brain emptiness. He’s too tired even for his anxiety to start acting up. 

Shuuya decides that the only thing he can do it’s watch some hot man kick some monster’s ass. Even if he feels a little bit sorry for the monster.

As soon as he presses play, someone rings the doorbell. Lizzie, sitting on his legs, raises her head, ears up because of the sound.

Shuuya ignores it.

They ring the bell again.

He does a mental check. He didn’t order anything on the internet, so it’s not a courier. It isn’t bill time. Can’t be a speed ticket since he doesn’t know how to drive a car. It could be Yuuka, though. But she would’ve told him yesterday about showing up today.

Another ring.

He growls and gets up. Lizzie looks at him with betrayal in her eyes. He pets her, “I know, baby, I know.”

In his black sweatpants and dirty sweatshirt he goes at the door to open it up.

Kidou Yuuto is standing in front of him, perfect ironed jeans and burgundy shirt on. His hair isn't tied up as usual and he has on his golden framed Gucci glasses. He is typing something on his phone, evident frown between his eyebrows. He looks worried.

Shuuya coughs to get his attention.

“Gouenji. You are alive,” he comments, not hiding the disgust in his tone, probably after noticing the oily stains on his sweatshirt and the way his hair is sticking up everywhere because he didn’t feel like brushing it or washing it.

Shuuya is about to close the door on his face, but he mumbles “What do you want?” 

He doesn’t have the energy for this.

“We are friends. I want to see you once in a while.”

“But do I want to see you?” Shuuya bites back, but he leaves his appartement’s entrance to go to sit back on the couch.

Kidou sighs and closes the door behind him.

“What are you doing?” Kidou asks him, not sitting down. He has his arms crossed over his chest and his red eyes (Shuuya’s brain supplies _the most beautiful thing about him_ ) staring into Shuuya’s skull. He can feel them.

“I’m watching tv. What are you doing?”

“Trying to get you out for a coffee.”

“I don’t need to go out for a coffee. I can make a coffee. I can make the best coffee ever.”

“Okay,” Kidou says and Shuuya tries to not notice the way he said it, “Okay, Gouenji.”

This is terrible. This was supposed to be his day off. Like, off off. Disconnected. Detached. Not perceivable. Instead, Kidou is here and with Kidou here there is the pity, the disappointment and the concern. Kidou loves him, but more than anything Kidou worries. It’s a default. He loves his friends to death, they are family to him. Shuuya knows Kidou sees him as a brother and Shuuya thinks about him in the same terms, but sometimes it’s hard. Mostly because Kidou doesn't have a perfect life, far from it, but he’s… better than Shuuya. He’s an accomplished doctor in a super fancy hospital, his father doesn’t chide him for everything, he has (other, better) friends and healthy social life and Shuuya has developed the ugly ability to always compare himself to other people. And most of the time the other people are his two best friends. Natsumi being his boss and Kidou being… Kidou. It’s hard when your world is falling apart and you can’t do anything to stop it, because you don't know how to stop it and the people closer to you are thriving. And he’s happy for them, but at the same time he feels the way he feels and of course, guilt is there, because he is envious when he shouldn’t be.

“The last time I saw you was it one month ago,” Kidou begins and he’s now sitting, legs crossed too, now, on the armchair on the other side of the living room.

Shuuya turns his gaze from the tv to his best friend, “I know.”

“Why is that?”

“Being busy with ruining my career,” Shuuya feels restless, “Do you want that coffee, yes or no?”

“Tea would be best,” Kidou says.

Shuuya nods, “Checking.”

Kidou doesn’t stop even with Shuuya out of the living room (it’s not like Shuuya can’t listen to him, since kitchen and living room are in the same room, it being an open space and all; Shuuya really doesn’t get home design or whatever it’s called, he just needed to get out of his father’s house), “You are not ruining your career.”

Shuuya thinks about it then, “I’m doing it, you aren’t there to witness it.”

“Well, you are doing great in ER. You said even Doctor Kudou said it.”

Shuuya almost slams the tea bag in his Snufkin mug, “Yeah, but I’m supposed to do great in the OR. I’m supposed to be a Cardio-surgeon. I’m supposed to be like _him_.” 

Oh, here it comes. Shuuya has the bad habit to overshare when something hits his nerves. And Kidou knows how to hit those nerves in a subtle way. Years of being friends with a cunning person like Kidou Yuuto and Shuuya doesn’t know yet how to get him out of his brain.

Kidou is next to him now, hand on the counter almost touching Shuuya’s arm, “Gouenji.”

“I’m fine.”

“You are not fine. Go shower.”

“What?”

“I said, go shower. I’m taking you out. We are going on a date.”

Shuuya laughs, “This is a weird way to ask me out.”

Kidou smiles, “You know it.”

He knows it. Kidou is always like this and everything about this is so like him. He wants to help, but Shuuya won’t listen to real advice ( _please go to therapy, this isn’t healthy, I don’t think you should go to med school, what about not listening to your father, for once? Please, stop wearing your hair up like Goku, you shouldn’t get a fire tattoo, Gouenji, are you trying to kill yourself? Look, you need to find a hobby, you could try soccer, no? Join that bookclub!_ ) because he’s Shuuya and he’s going through something and he wants to do it alone, but Kidou will never leave him _completely_ alone. He never did, in fifteen years of friendship. So, he takes him out to have dinner in fancy places where Kidou knows personally the chef, or he takes him to see a stupid movie once in a while and Kidou asks him to go with him to galas and things like that, just only to take Shuuya out of his mind for a while, and it works, but just because Shuuya loves Kidou and he loves spending time with him, not because the whole _you are depressed because you are always cramped inside your room without seeing the sun or other people of course you are sad_ rhetoric. 

“I really wanted to watch The Witcher, though.”

Kidou shakes his head, “Sexy himbo man isn’t going anywhere. Shower, now.”

Shuuya does as Kidou said just because he knows Kidou will drag him into the bathroom if he doesn’t—he should, anyway, he still smells like hospital—and he leaves as Lizzie makes herself comfortable on Kidou’s thighs.

Shuuya could kill for a coffee and he will. He is standing in the cafeteria, his back against the counter, waiting for Aki to give him his order. He was out late with Kidou, yesterday, and indeed enjoyed spending time with his best friend, but also, it was tiring. Shuuya is used to only sleeping and working, so going out was shocking both for his body and mind. But he was glad Kidou took the time to reach out, even if he looked a bit strange. Always checking his phone. Shuuya didn’t ask because he never does. Shuuya doesn’t ask because if it was something Kidou wanted to share, he would’ve done it first. Probably, it’s nothing, but Shuuya can’t stop thinking about it. What if something really happened and he didn’t ask because of some old conviction about being able to understand his best friend with a look?

Yeah, overthinking and anxiety coming back right after a nice day without them. Shuuya knows he can’t be fixed after enjoying his free time, but one can hope.

Also, he is also thinking about Kazemaru’s answer to his text message about Endou’s surgery, trying to get it out of his brain. It isn’t his business anymore, Endou is not his patient anymore (but Kazemaru’s words are stuck in his head: _Shit, a surgery? Fuck. I can’t come back, right now. My mom is going to kill me_ . And then he double texted, something Kazemaru never did: _Could you please check on him more often? I don’t know how he is going to handle this surgery_. Shuuya didn’t have the heart to tell him he can’t do more than he is already doing, because he can’t.)

“Hey, Gouenji,” Doctor Urabe Rika settles her scone on the counter.

“Urabe,” he greets, face like stone, mind still on his coffee and Kidou. Aki is making him wait, but he is not bothered by time, noticing how she’s all alone today and there a lot of people, even if it’s pretty late in the afternoon.

“Look, I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t an emergency,” she casually says, brushing her aquamarine hair off her shoulder. She purses her plump lips, pink lipstick matching her eyeshadow “But, it is.”

Shuuya sighs. “What do you want?”

“It’s about Endou Mamoru. He just got out of surgery, but I’m going on holiday tomorrow with my partners and all, and Someoka is full—”

Of fucking course it’s about Endou Mamoru. Isn’t everything about Endou Mamoru, lately?

“I thought Someoka was Endou’s doctor?”

“He was, he did the surgery, but now he can’t attend to him because of other patients with already scheduled operations and I’m leaving, you know, and we don’t have no one to ask…” Rika moves her hand suggestively.

“Do you really think I have the time to check on your patient, which it’s in Orthopaedics and I’m not an Orthopaedic?”

“But you are a doctor,” Rika insists, “And you don’t have to do anything, just be sure he’s taking his meds and he’s healing just fine. Someoka will cast him, soon.”

“He doesn’t have a cast, yet?” Shuuya feels a headache coming.

“Told you, no time, he had to rush in another OR after that,” Rika huffs, “I know it’s a lot, and I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t you could do it. And you like him, don’t you?”

_What?_

“What?”

“Yeah, I mean, Nurse Hiura did see you coming out of his room, a few nights ago. I thought you were, like, friends.”

“We are not friends,” he objects.

“Well, tell him that,” Rika chuckles, “The few times I saw him, he talked about you. I assumed you were, like, best friends or something. Look,” Rika starts talking faster when she sees Aki come closer, “Please, tell me you’ll do it.”

“And if I don’t?”

“I have to cancel my trip with _my_ boyfriend and _my_ girlfriend because you won’t cover for me. I already talked with Professor Onigawara and he told me that if I don’t find someone to cover for me, I have to stay. And I don’t want to stay, Gouenji. My boyfriend is coming over from the USA, for this trip. He is a professional soccer player and this is the only time he can come and my girlfriend is the daughter of a politician and they are always busy, and I can’t see them because of that. So, this is me, asking you, to let me see them.”

She’s good, Shuuya will let her have that. She’s good at manipulating. Of course, he will say yes. He can’t have her boyfriend coming over from the USA just to have her stuck at the hospital because he is feeling a little bit of a dick. Also, Kazemaru was pretty worried about Endou because of this surgery (talking to him is becoming more easy, but also, Shuuya feels weird to have a relationship, even if professional, with a friend of a patient; it’s strange how Endou Mamoru keeps coming back into his life in different ways, even when he thinks he is not his problem anymore).

“Yeah, okay, I’ll do it. Go have fun with your partners.”

Rika almost explodes with happiness, her full lips curving into a big smile, which it’s more cunning than anything, “I knew you would say yes. Thank you so much! I owe you a big one!”

“Oh, you do, you really do,” he assures her but she is already running away, yelling something about Onigawara and how she will text him all the details—Shuuya doesn’t know how she has his number and he doesn’t want to know.

Aki giggles instead of saying hello and Shuuya turns around to look at her.

“This is yours. Looks like you’ll need it.”

“Apparently I’m the only doctor with nothing to do around here,” he gulps down the hot beverage like it’s nothing.

“I think they come to you because you aren’t going to say no,” Aki suggests with kindness in her voice.

Shuuya hums, “Maybe.”

“You are trying to prove something, aren’t you?”

“I have never been to a therapist, but I imagine them sounding like you,” Shuuya retorts and Aki laughs.

“It’s just I’m good at reading people. You, young man, are a bit of a closed book. So I try when I see an opening.”

“Young man? We are born in the same year,” Shuuya checks his wristwatch.

His break isn’t over yet. He has twenty minutes, still.

Aki looks around, “Going to check on Endou?”

Shuuya raises his head at an incredible speed, “How do you know?”

“Overheard your conversation with Rika,” she says, “Please, take care of him,” she adds, a smile on her lips.

“What?

“Oh, Endou is a close friend of mine,” Aki explains, “Since middle school, actually. I found out he was here because of you. I thought he was dead or something,” she giggles, “I’m just happy he’s okay. So, I ask you out of love for him and respect for you, to take care of him.”

Shuuya finds another person connecting him so tightly with Endou Mamoru. For Aki, he will do it, because she tries to take care of Shuuya every time she sees him. But Shuuya feels on his shoulder the heavy burden of responsibility. To take care of Endou as a doctor and as a surrogate friend, first for Kazemaru, then for Aki. 

“Of course, Aki, I will.”

He goes up to the familiar Orthopaedic department.

It’s the second day after Endou’s operation. After talking with Aki, the day before, he decided to do a check-up, but Endou was still sleeping off his anaesthesia—he read they had to double the dose just because he wasn’t falling asleep.

This morning, he told Professor Kudou about him filling in for Urabe and Someoka and he strangely nodded, saying it was good if he was doing this during his breaks, not giving trouble to his colleagues in ER. He spoke with them too, just to be sure. They were fine with it.

Shuuya can’t stop his brain from thinking that if he was in Cardiology, his co-workers would’ve eaten him up alive.

Nurse Hiura is with him, handing him Urabe’s tablet and some gloves, “Is he awake?”

“Barely,” Hiura explains, “We are giving him high dosage of medicine because of the pain, even if he says he doesn’t need it. Doctor Someoka still didn’t make an appointment for his cast. We are struggling, as you can see.”

“I noticed. Well, let’s go then.”

They enter Endou’s room. His eyes are closed and his hair a whole mess, brown against white. Shuuya’s interest is on his ankle, wrapped up nicely in gauze. At least, Someoka is good at what he does. Someone may think it’s only bragging.

Endou opens just one eye and Shuuya is about to say something when he goes, “Oh, it’s handsome doctor again. Hi,” he tries to wave with his right hand, but he struggles.

Shuuya tries not to blush and Hiura snickers behind his back. 

Betrayal.

“I’m Doctor Gouenji, yeah, I’m here to examine you. See if there is anything wrong with you,” he explains.

Endou hums, “So, are you worried about me?”

“Let’s say it’s my job to be worried about you,” Shuuya sobers up quickly. This is his workplace, he can’t be embarrassed by a patient too high on morphine, “Nurse Hiura, can you please check his pressure? And see if the IVs are done? If they are, please change them. What’s his dosage, right now?”

“Wow, your eyes are very sharp… like knives…” Endou comments more to himself than to the other people in the room.

Shuuya ignores him and he hopes Hiura does it too, “Nurse Hiura?”

Hiura coughs, finally answering the previous question and Shuuya nods, “Let’s try a little bit less, not too much. At least he doesn’t feel too droopy. Is it good?”

Endou tries to nod, then he gives up, “Yeah, whatever you say it’s good. You have a nice voice, too.”

Shuuya shakes his head and the compliment off. Shuuya knows he is not ugly and he feels like most of the attention on him it’s because he is _not_ ugly, but he never learned how to take a compliment, since no one compliments him, most of the time. He’s pretty, he should know it, why would you remember him? The infamous pretty privilege. Shuuya doesn’t care about it, of course, he’s no whiny because people don’t tell him he looks good in jeans; his father never, never complimented him either. Why should strangers do it?

Shuuya decides to check the suture, just to be sure it doesn’t get infected. He touches the bandage to undone it. Everything looks fine. Totally normal. Someoka’s suture isn't as good as his, but it’s good enough, and he hopes it will not scar. The skin looks red, but not infected red. He decides to not take chances and he cleans it gently, trying not to hurt Endou (“Is it okay?” “Yeah, I don’t feel anything. Don’t worry about it.”) as he does it. He asks Hiura for fresh bandages and he closes it tightly. Next, it’s the wound on his forehead. 

Shuuya sighs as he gets closer, Endou follows him with his eyes, focusing to keep them open and to not follow asleep.

“You are close,” Endou murmurs, his breath hitting Shuuya’s face.

“I have to be, I have to check if you are healing fine.”

“Sure,” but he keeps his sleepy eyes on Shuuya the entire time.

Uhm.

At least it’s over quickly.

He checks his wristwatch. He still has twenty five minutes of his lunch break. Good. He’s doing great. He has the time to eat, now.

“Okay, perfect. Nurse Hiura, will you contact Doctor Someoka for the cast? I know he’s busy,” he stops to look at Endou’s ankle, “But I’m pretty worried because this patient has a history of not listening to doctors.”

“Guilty,” Endou interjects.

“Of course I will, Doctor,” and Hiura gets out, tablet in his hand.

Shuuya watches him go, then he gets ready to leave too.

“Are you already going?”

Shuuya turns to look at Endou, “Yeah.”

“Oh,” Endou murmurs, “Okay.”

“What is it? Something hurts?” Shuuya gets closer quickly, eyeing the monitor. His heart rate looks fine.

“No, it’s… nothing. I… it’s… because of the drugs I can’t read your book. I’m always sleeping. I hate it,” he yawns, “Look, I already feel sleepy. It’s terrible. And your hair looks really soft. Do you use a specific shampoo?”

Shuuya fights the urge to scoff and tuck his bed sheets at the same time, “Sleep, it makes you heal faster. And don’t worry, you have plenty of time to read.”

“I was liking it, though. Emma is a very nasty girl, but I like her. She has… what do you call it?”

“Personality?”

“No, I think it was… pizzaz.”

“How very professor of you,” Shuuya smiles a little.

“Right, uh? I have to be honest,” he yawns again, “I only know it because of my students upcoming English test. They were studying like crazy, even in the gym. I made them exercise while yelling dates and literary currents.”

“Wow, a nightmare.”

Endou laughs, “They said they had fun…” and then he closes his eyes, falling asleep immediately.

Shuuya pats the bed, looking around the room and noticing his book, Yuuka’s bookmark sticking out, with a pen and sticky notes next to it.

“Yeah, see you tomorrow,” he whispers.

Shuuya spends the next two weeks having a normal number of mental breakdowns in the hospital—he only cries once, in the bathroom, after a phone call with his father.

Every day he sees Endou and it becomes a routine, soon enough. 

At every lunch break and before leaving after his shift (usually, he has a day shift), Shuuya is up in Endou’s room. Now, he has a cast on, so it’s fast enough and he isn’t that drugged anymore, capable of having a conversation without falling asleep in the middle of it. He also stops complimenting Shuuya for everything he does. 

Good. 

Shuuya enjoys that twenty minutes talk, just because Endou treats him like a friend and not a doctor, which it’s… a nice change, not suitable for the place they are in, but it’s somewhat comforting. He doesn’t hate being perceived like a doctor, he struggled too much to get the title, but, for Shuuya, being recognized only as a doctor, it’s…. he feels like the title suppresses him, sometimes. He can’t explain why. He can’t explain a lot of things. And he works in a hospital, why does it feel wrong when people address him as Doctor Gouenji? Which is something Endou does too, he only calls him Doctor, but at the same time, the way he does it… it’s… he feels seen, for the first time. He feels like when he is with Kidou or with Natsumi.

Shuuya feels a little bit scared of it. Okay, a lot scared of it, but it’s not a bad scare. Maybe, he’s starting to see Endou as a friend more than a patient; probably because Endou does everything he is capable of to not talk about his condition. Shuuya feels like Endou is doing the most to not talk about what is happening to him—the injury, the operation, the cast—to make it less real for him. Endou’s way of coping with things is not acknowledging them, which Shuuya respects to an extent. Shuuya does the same with his problems, like his father and his incapability to be a surgeon.

They always talk about Emma by Jane Austen. Luckily, it’s totally one of Shuuya’s favourite topics of conversation. He likes Jane Austen, how she writes and what she writes about, women surviving in a men’s age. And Endou seems to enjoy her too, always eager to talk about it, but probably to him it’s more a form of escapism than anything else. It used to be the same for Shuuya, when he discovered the joy of reading, back in college when he took a wrong turn, find himself under the pouring rain one day, only to end up in the Literature Department and attend a casual class just because he didn’t had nowhere else to go to wait out the storm. This is how he met Professor Nikaidou Shuugo and found out that people can enjoy multiple things in their life _and you can be a doctor and enjoy the pleasure of reading a book not about medicine_. 

He never thought about that (more like his father never allowed him to do something else other than studying and practising) and Professor Nikaidou was shocked, then he gave Shuuya a list of books to check out, saying _even_ _if you aren’t officially one of my students, I think of you as one of them_. Shuuya remembers fondly the moments spent in Professor Nikaidou’s office, talking about books and drinking tea, the Professor always teaching a class just for him, because he could see Shuuya having an interest in his field of work. The last time he saw him, before Shuuya’s graduation, the Professor told him to stop doing what others wanted, and start doing what he wanted. Shuuya wishes he had the mental strength to follow that advice. At that, he just smiled sadly and bid his goodbye. He misses it, he misses the Professor, more than anything, and maybe it’s a bit strange to have this kind of relationship with an older man he knew for a few months. 

To Shuuya, Professor Nikaidou felt more like a father than his own biological one. He hates himself for thinking that. He feels ungrateful when he thinks that. His father gave him everything, paid for the best schools and the best clothes. Shuuya never had to wish for something because he had everything, except freedom to be. His father still doesn’t want to acknowledge Shuuya’s sexuality.

Shuuya wants to turn off his brain. It always takes him where he doesn’t want to be, places full of regret (Professor Nikaidou’s office) or places full of frustration (his own father’s office).

Back to Endou, his patient. Friend? He definitely feels more like a friend to Shuuya, but he doesn’t want to admit it yet, because it’s not sure, Shuuya isn’t sure. 

Remember, he’s scared!

Endou really hates hospitals and doctors. When Someoka came to discuss his cast, Endou almost flew out of the room. Someoka had to call Shuuya over to calm him down. He doesn’t understand why Endou behaves differently, more cooperatively with him in the room, but even if he is there, it doesn’t change the fact that he still hates everything about being in the hospital, taking meds every hour, having an ever-present needle in his vein. Every day, Endou asks about being discharged. Every day, Shuuya tells him to try again tomorrow. 

“Why would Mr. Elton ask Emma to marry him, can’t he like… read the room?” Endou laments when Shuuya gets in after having lunch. Endou is still eating his, tray in front of him, white rice on the plate.

“He is a man.”

“Indeed, he is. Stupid social climber. He wants her for the money. Mr. Knightley would never.”

“He is already rich,” Shuuya prompts, eyes on the heart monitor. His blood pressure it’s good enough, not perfect.

“He is, but he’s a gentleman. Still rubs me the wrong way he is so old. Why is he so old, Gouenji?”

“Doctor Gouenji,” he corrects, “Does your ankle hurt, any discomfort?” he gets out his tablet from his coat pocket.

“The only discomfort I have is the age difference between Emma and Mr. Knightley. Also, this bed,” Endou puts the book down on his lap, “and you not allowing me to drop the doctor title. It feels… to serious.”

“I work in this hospital where I am a doctor.”

“Then I’ll call you Gouenji out of the hospital. Take me out.”

Shuuya almost breaks his neck raising his head too fast, “What?”

“I mean, you have a garden? I know you have a garden. I want to see the hospital’s garden.”

“Gardens, multiples,” he says but he feels his heart in the back of his throat. Fuck, Endou really wants to kill him one of these days. Saying something like this, shit, like Shuuya doesn’t have a weak heart and a mind capable of creating five different scenarios in twenty seconds.

“Wow, fancy. Wanna see them. Can I… I don’t know, take a pleasurable stroll in the gardens?”

Shuuya huffs a laugh, “You are reading too much Jane Austen.”

“It’s just a book and I’m not even finished. I’m a slow reader and I can’t believe I never read a book like this. Marvellous.”

“Wait for Pride & Prejudice,” Shuuya finally stops walking and checking everything and takes out a chair.

“You are always saying that, is that good?”

“It’s my favourite book,” he crosses his legs, “So, yes.”

“Tell me about what’s good about it,” Endou puts down the spoon and leans back against his pillow.

Shuuya hums, looks up to think about it, “It’s… the pining. The way people seem always to deny themselves happiness, in some ways, because of different things, like pride or prejudice. I like that because… I’m like that.”

“Are you prideful or full of prejudice?” Endou jokes.

Shuuya shakes his head, “No, I’m just good at denying things to myself.”

Endou’s face turns serious, “You shouldn’t do that.”

“Maybe,” Shuuya thinks about getting up and leaving.

“No, not maybe,” Endou looks really… upset? “You should do only what makes you happy. We aren’t alive to suffer, even if it feels like it, sometimes,” his eyes go on his foot, but not the broken one. The other one and Shuuya notices for the first time that Endou’s always wearing a long sock, covering his entire leg up to his knee.

Weird.

Shuuya wants to ask, but he won’t, because this is already too personal for him. How did he end up in this situation? Oh, it’s becoming too comfortable with Endou. It’s probably the fact Endou is the only person he sees every day and constantly interacts outside of work (which, it’s wrong, because he’s working right now, they are paying him to do this).

He decides to keep quiet.

Endou sighs, “So, you are doing the thing.”

“The thing?” he asks, confusion in his tone.

“Yeah, the thing. The _I-do-not-talk-so-you-can-stop-talking-too-and-I-can-erase-myself-from-the-conversation_ thing. You are always doing it. Not only with me,” he explains, not a trace of annoyance in his voice.

“Oh. The thing. I… sorry?”

“Don’t say sorry, I’m not scolding you! It’s just something I noticed.”

Shuuya doesn’t know how to feel. He checks his wristwatch and his lunch break it’s over, “I really need to go, sorry, I…”

“Yeah, yeah, bye bye!” Endou smiles, then he seems to remember something because he yells, “Wait!

“What?” Shuuya stops in the middle of the room, lungs searching for air.

“About the gardens,” Endou smiles, timidly, “I wasn’t kidding. I want to go out and see them.”

“Oh, yeah, sure. I can arrange that.”

“Thank you!” 

  
  


Shuuya takes a deep breath and then he takes another. Hiura is getting the wheelchair for Endou. Shuuya will take him out, today and maybe he will not get all whiny on him like yesterday.

He’s about to knock on the door when he notices that Endou isn’t alone inside the room, he hears him talking—he talks too loudly, but it’s not something that annoys Shuuya, not anymore—and Shuuya takes his phone out to check Kazemaru’s messages. He did say that he will text him to let him know when he was coming back before coming to the hospital, but maybe he forgot and Endou is inside talking to him. Or, Endou is seeing things because of medication. That can be, too.

Shuuya lowers the door’s handle and enters.

He expected everything, but not this. Not this person.

Kidou Yuuto is looking at him with the same look Shuuya is looking at him.

What the fuck is he doing here, now?

Oh, my God. Did he come here to check on Shuuya? Why go to Endou, then?

“Oh, Gouenji,” Endou greets him, smiling big, absolutely no clue of what is happening on his face.

“Doctor,” he corrects him, more out of habit than anything because he’s really too focused on understanding why his best friend it’s here instead of being on the other side of town, in his own hospital.

“Looks like Kidou here didn’t forget about me,” Endou then says, still clearly unable to read the situation happening in front of him.

Kidou huffs a laugh, embarrassed, “How was I supposed to know? You forgot your phone.”

“You are saying it like it’s my fault,” Endou crosses his arms, luckily this time his IV isn’t in.

“It is your fault, I thought you were dead. I had to call Fudou to know it. I can’t believe I had to call my ex to know where you were.”

Shuuya can’t take it anymore. He coughs, more to get their attention than anything, “What… what’s happening here?”

Endou claps his hands together, “Right! This is Kidou, my best friend! Kidou, this is—”

“Kidou isn’t your best friend. Kidou is my best friend.”

He tries to shut up but he can’t because… Kidou is… his best friend. Why is Endou Mamoru calling Kidou his best friend? 

How is this possible? How is this possible?

Maybe, this isn’t his Kidou, but another Kidou who looks like exactly like Shuuya’s Kidou and wears the same clothes and the same glasses and the same stupid Italian shoes, who has the same ex called Fudou that Shuuya never met because he was on the other side of the world, and has the same voice and the same eyes. No, you can’t copy those eyes.

Shit.

How is this possible? Another person connecting him to Endou. His own best friend.

Kidou shakes his head, “Are you having a jealousy fit?”

“I’m not… I’m not having a jealousy fit, Yuuto,” Shuuya’s having a mental breakdown, actually.

Endou’s head moves like he’s watching a tennis game, “You… know each other?”

“Since middle school,” the overly calm and collected Kidou Yuuto answers, “I told you about my friend who studied in Germany. That’s Gouenji Shuuya, your doctor, apparently.”

“Oh, that’s…” Endou starts then he closes his mouth, not finding the words. Shuuya understands that.

“So, I’m the friend who studied abroad. Who was Endou for me?” he tries not to sound angry, but he is… a little bit angry. Probably jealous was the right word.

“Enthusiastic teammate on the soccer team,” he lets out and Shuuya laughs.

Then he leaves, his slippers hitting the white floor too loudly than normal. Of course, he is not running, Shuuya doesn’t run, but he feels like dying, lungs hurting.

He’s out on the hospital’s roof when Kidou finally finds him. Natsumi probably ratted him out. Natsumi knows everything happening in her hospital, she also knows where Shuuya goes when he can’t go home to deal with his poor mental health. He always goes on the roof just to take a income of fresh air to calm his nerves.

“Hey,” Kidou whispers.

Shuuya, forehead against the cold metal of the railing, doesn’t answer.

“Was it that bad, me not telling you about him?”

Was it that bad? No, it wasn’t. It’s not his business, first and foremost. But, everything lately makes Shuuya feel bad, apparently. Not everything is about him, but everything can make him want to crawl in a small space and never get out. This is why he chose the roof to go, just to breath and take a moment to get out of that horrible fantasy.

Was it that bad? No, it wasn’t. But, it makes Shuuya feels like a stranger to the only person he can tell everything without feeling judged, making him feel unimportant to the only person he deems important to text daily, making him feel a bad friend, making him feel like he’s missing something and he knows he’s missing something, but he doesn’t want to remember what he is missing.

Was it that bad? No, it wasn’t. It isn’t. He understands. Kidou has other friends, he always had other friends that weren’t him.

Endou is just one of them.

“No,” he murmurs, “It… it wasn’t. Sorry. Shit.”

Kidou puts a hand on his back and he rubs it, “It’s okay. I’m the one who should say sorry.”

“No, you shouldn’t. I’m not… I’m not a child. I… it’s this fucked up brain, I can’t take it anymore,” he laughs but without joy, “I really can’t take it anymore.”

“Gouenji,” Kidou’s voice is so close right now and Shuuya knows why, because Kidou is hugging him, chin hooked on his shoulder, lips close to his ear and arms around his waist.

He’s not having a panic attack, right now, but he feels the comfort of the hug, thinking about the times where Kidou used to do this a lot.

“I’m sorry,” he says, “I really am.”

“I…”

“It’s just,” Kidou keeps on, “I’m used to having every aspect of my life separated. Including friends. I don’t know how to… mix it,” he tightens his hold, “And I didn’t even know if you would like it. Endou and the others are different people from us. They didn’t grow up like us.”

_Expectations, responsibility, order, respect, don’t say no, you can’t say what's on your mind, Church every morning, a missing parent, both of them, lose a sister, maybe don’t, everything you ever wanted, but at what cost? Abusive mentor shaping you for something you don’t understand, parents shaping you for something you don’t want, money, fame, connections, a gala!_

“I get that,” Shuuya lets out, “I do. Sorry.”

“I’m not finished. Can you let me speak?”

Shuuya takes a deep breath, again, the comfort of Kidou’s weight slowly calming him down, “Sure.”

“As I was saying… they are not your kind of people. There weren’t my kind of people, too. Or, I thought. You seem on good terms with Endou.”

Shuuya puts a hand on Kidou’s hands, then he raises his head.

Kidou lets him go.

“Endou did everything. I was just stuck with him by coincidence. Even if I’m starting to think it was more fate than anything.”

Shuuya turns to look at his best friend, his clothes a mess, his tie loosened up and his jacket forgotten in Endou’s room. His forearms are out, shirt rolled up. His eyes full of concern, love and regret.

“Yeah,” Kidou says, looking down, “He’s like… he can be friends with a trash can if he wants,” he finishes, a smile full of affection on his lips.

“You think I’m a trash can, now?” and Kidou knows he’s good again.

He still feels guilty about… all of this, but he can’t say it to Kidou, because Kidou will not accept it.

“I’m just saying… I’m happy, though. Endou is a good friend to have. The same goes for you,” Kidou slides his hands in his jeans pockets, “To be honest, I think it’s the best thing that happened in like, five years. I didn’t know how much I wanted you to meet, but then when I saw you come in… I just. I got the selfish need to have my best friends with me at the same time.”

“Shit. Sap,” Shuuya takes his elbow.

“I’m that. Where are we going?”

“I’m taking you back to Endou. I will apologize to him, too. He deserves to be with a friend, though. He’s only seeing me and the nurses, these days.”

“You are saying it like it’s a bad thing,” Kidou hooks his elbow on Shuuya’s arm.

“It is. He misses you, even if he doesn’t talk about you, Kazemaru and the kids.”

“You are really informed about Endou Mamoru,” Kidou’s snicker says everything.

“Oh, that’s because he never shut the fuck up. Especially about the kids.”

It takes two days to get Endou to do his stroll into the gardens, but in the end, they do it. 

They, because Endou insists Gouenji must go with him.

Here he is, pushing Endou’s wheelchair for him, meanwhile Endou looks around the gardens like an overexcited puppy. Shuuya starts to worry he will have to physically stop him from getting up and running away to smell a flower and catch the falling leaves.

The Doctor’s orders—both Gouenji and Someoka—are clear: Endou can go out, but he can’t try to walk, even put a little bit of pressure on his foot, or he’s dead because they are going to kill him.

“Wow, these are very fancy,” Endou’s voices his fascination.

“Told you, Natsumi did a revamp of them when she became President,” Shuuya explains to him.

“Natsumi?”

“The hospital president,” Shuuya offers.

“And you call her Natsumi?” Endou asks, teasing a little.

“She’s my friend,” Shuuya shrugs, “I’m not going to call her President Raimon. Her ego is already too big for her body.”

“Raimon?”

“Yes.”

“As Raimon Souichirou?”

“That’s her father,” Shuuya stops walking and pushing.

“Also, the chairman of Raimon Group who owns the school where I work,” Endou turns to look up at Shuuya.

“Oh,” he whispers.

Another person that connects Shuuya to Endou. It’s actually getting crazy, the way all the people in their life are tangled in some ways. Shuuya shouldn’t be surprised anymore, really.

“Anyway,” Endou starts talking again, “I’m not surprised. When I was in school, which it’s the same school I work at, it was run by President Raimon’s daughter. I never met her, because she left for high school and I always hung out with the crowd she hated the most—the soccer team,” he giggles, “The only thing I know is that she tried to suppress the team at first, then we started winning and she didn’t care anymore. Weird thing to find her as a hospital president. Isn’t she our age?”

“She is,” Shuuya answers, getting ready to hear a degrading comment about Natsumi.

“And she is already president? Wow, talking about being a prodigy. Good for her, though.”

“You are the first person who says something like this after hearing about Natsumi,” Shuuya is surprised by this, and he feels full of shame to have thought Endou had a mean bone in his body.

“Why? What they say?” and he asks it with a dangerous tone in his voice.

This man is unbelievable, already getting fired about because someone wronged a person he doesn’t know. Shuuya is… Shuuya is something, right now.

“Uhm,” Shuuya pouts and thinks, “Always the same things they say when a woman is in a powerful position because she is better than a man, I suppose. Natsumi is really good at her job, and people will always underestimate that, or don’t believe she did it alone, without her father’s help. They don’t really think rationally. The Raimon Group doesn’t have power over Inazuma General, meaning Raimon senior couldn’t do anything for her. Add it to it that the last president was a misogynist who didn’t want Natsumi to succeed him. Luckily, the board saw the numbers and not the comments.”

“I’m glad. She sounds like a great person. And you… like her, I guess.”

Shuuya almost chokes on his saliva, “What?”

“You don’t like her?” Endou innocently asks, big warm deer eyes on Shuuya, again.

“No, I don’t like her. We are just friends,” Shuuya diverts his gaze somewhere else, everything but Endou.

“Oh, oh, looks like I hit a nerve,” Endou singsongs.

“You didn’t hit anything. We are friends, she is… not my type. In any way.”

“And what’s your type?”

“They don’t have to be a woman, I guess,” Shuuya answers, starting walking again.

Why is he talking so much about himself to a stranger? Did he just come out to a stranger? Well, he didn’t come out because he isn’t living in the closet since he was fifteen years old, but anyway, it’s… he doesn’t open up that easily to someone he doesn’t know that well.

“Sorry for assuming, then, it was just you talked about her like you loved her,” Endou’s blushing, embarrassment written in his smile. He is scratching the skin under the orange headband,

“I love her,” Shuuya decides to sit next to the fountain—Natsumi’s idea—of a nymph, “In a platonically, totally not romantic way.”

“Like I love Aki,” Endou points out, index up.

“Did she come to visit?” Shuuya takes the chance to change the topic, remembering about Aki telling him she wanted to, but she was too busy with her cousin at home and everything.

“Yeah, she came, like, a week ago! She felt so bad, but she has Tenma to care about first, so I said _no girl, you have a son_. I know Tenma is technically her cousin, but she did like all the parenting stuff that his parents didn’t do. Though, it’s not only him because she makes lunch for a lot of his friends and they are always at her place for dinner. It was good to hear about them. I found out they want to come over to visit!” Endou speaks without breaks. Shuuya doesn’t have a clue about who he is talking about, but he listens anyway because he likes hearing Endou’s voice.

Oh.

What was that?

Shuuya erases that thought.

“But they are busy with studying and all, so they can’t find a day to come in. It’s sad, for me, but they should be focusing on their exams and not on their old and sick gym teacher. Don’t you think the same?”

“Yeah… you are not old, though.”

“Who said that?”

“Me, that would make me older.”

“What do you mean?”

“I saw your birth date on your medical records. I’m older than you by three months.”

“It’s three months, Gouenji.”

“Doctor,” he corrects him, “And they count.”

“We are outside,” Endou’s hands move around to show him they are, indeed, outside and outside he can call him just Gouenji, “And they don’t.”

“We are still on the hospital’s grounds,” Shuuya reaches a nearby bench, he aligns Endou’s wheelchair with it and sits down, “And they do.”

Shuuya crosses his legs and closes his eyes, taking in the sunlight for a few moments.

Endou shuts up for a few minutes, then he glances at Shuuya’s wristwatch, “Isn’t your break over?”

“I told Professor Kudou to sum all my scheduled breaks and now I have two hours break to spend with you,” then he adds quickly, “As your doctor.”

“That’s…” Shuuya opens one eye to see Endou fidget a little, “Nice, of you. You didn’t have to do it. I know you are already tired because of the ER and taking care of me.”

“It’s okay, I wanted to.”

“Yeah, but…”

“No buts. Look, I still feel sorry about the whole situation with Kidou the other day. You should've gone out sooner, but I had to be a prick. Take this as my apology. I’m here to keep you company so you can stay outside instead of being inside the hospital room. We both know how much you hate it. Now, you can read for a while without smelling the disinfectant,” Shuuya takes the book out from his coat pocket and hands it over to Endou, for the second time that month.

“Thank you,” Endou says and he is smiling, big, and it’s reaching his eyes, making them shine like stars in the night.

“You are welcome,” Shuuya closes his eyes again.

Endou coughs.

“What, now?” Shuuya asks, not opening his eyes this time.

“It’s about Kidou. You don’t have to say sorry. I get that. It was weird and… we sorted it out, later, of course, but… I understand your feelings about that. I mean, I say something like this is my best friend about your best friend and you never saw me once in your life or heard about me. It’s,” he stops and wets his lips, “I felt the same. I was jealous of you because you called Kidou your best friend.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah,” Endou chuckles, “If you are saying sorry for that, then I’m saying it too.”

“Shit, I think the word we say the most it’s sorry.”

Endou nods, “I think saying sorry it’s good, but depends on the situation. I’m saying sorry for hurting you, so it’s good. And I’m saying sorry for making you uncomfortable or other things. But you should never be sorry to be, you know, who you are or say what you believe. You always say sorry, you know. Even when you shouldn’t be sorry.”

“I… yeah, I do that a lot. It’s…”

“Mechanism,” Endou interjects, “Someone made you say sorry a lot, when you were young?”

“It’s… let’s not talk about it, shall we? It’s a nice day,” Shuuya swallows his saliva, his heartbeat raising a little at the thought of being understood so well by Endou Mamoru.

He isn’t ready to talk about it to Endou, but it’s nice to see Endou trying to be closer to him, to get to know him as much as he can. There is a weird feeling in Shuuya’s chest and it’s getting bigger and bigger every time he spends time with him. 

“Sure,” Endou smiles, “But I’m here, if you need anything.”

Shuuya looks at him, “I’ll keep that in mind.”

  
  


“You are having lunch with me, let’s go,” Natsumi is waiting for him next to the nurse station in the middle of the ER. Today, she’s sporting a sky blue shirt paired with a white skirt, everything matching her nails.

“Why?” Shuuya asks, putting down his tablet and taking out a pen to check some documents Toramaru gave him.

“Because I want you to have lunch with me,” Natsumi replies, “I’ll wait for you in the hall.” And she leaves Shuuya alone, her high heels hitting the ER’s floor with determination, like everything she does.

“I’ll go to see Endou for you,” Toramaru says and he leaves before Shuuya can realize what he said.

He sighs. He goes to the break room and he takes off his white coat. He fixes his burgundy shit and passes a hand through his hair before tying the up in a low ponytail again.

Natsumi is on her phone, a tiny smile on her lips, when Shuuya reaches her in the hall, “Hey,” he greets her.

Natsumi looks up, “Oh, you are here. Good. Let’s go,” she hooks her arm under Shuuya’s, “I reserved a table at our favourite restaurant.”

They start to walk in the direction of the parking area. It’s a short walk, Shuuya remembers, since Natsumi’s spot is the best and the closest to the hospital.

“It’s not my birthday,” Shuuya wonders, “Why are you being nice?”

“I’m always nice, Gouenji.”

Shuuya huffs a laugh, “Yeah, sure.”

“I just want to spend time with my best friend. Kidou can, why can't I?”

“Of course you can,” Natsumi stops in front of her black Porsche and signs him to get in the passenger seat.

Shuuya obliges.

She turns the car on and then they are on their way to the restaurant. Shuuya knows Natsumi is hiding something. She is doing the most to talk about something she cares about, since she doesn’t like to discuss personal things in the hospital.

Natsumi is more like Shuuya than she thinks, this is why Shuuya understands her better than everyone. They are both lonely souls, and they are both very logical driven people. Their emotions never play a big part in the way they live their life. The only difference between them is that Natsumi is capable of handling everything life throws at her, meanwhile Shuuya doesn’t. Natsumi knows what she is doing and how she is doing it, meanwhile Shuuya knows nothing. And they work just fine, most of the time.

They both had only one paternal figure growing up, their fathers. And maybe Shuuya feels a little jealous of Natsumi’s relationship with her dad, because they really love each other and President Raimon is really proud of her, genuinely. He would be proud even if she wasn’t President of a hospital. Natsumi is doing what she wants to do. Shuuya would like that, too.

It’s funny to think, both of his best friends represent everything he isn’t and his father wishes him to be: successful, rich, good at everything they do. He’s jealous, and they know, and they accept him for being jealous of them and they always try to help him. This is the most important thing for Shuuya. They aren’t tied to him in some sort of sick way, they decided to stay, both of them. Kidou could’ve stopped writing to him, when he was in Germany, and Natsumi could’ve stopped seeing him after coming back to Japan, but they both didn’t, they both stayed. Shuuya is grateful for that.

And if Kidou is Shuuya’s rock, grounding him when he needs it, Natsumi is Shuuya’s breath of fresh air, because she gives him the ability to clear his mind where there are only clouds.

They spend the ride in silence—it’s what their relationship is, really, they sometimes just stay in the same room without talking, doing nothing or doing whatever they want and it’s still for them is bonding time because they understand each other with silence—only the music on the radio feeling the cubicle.

“I hope you are hungry,” Natsumi says, parking in the first empty spot she sees. She undoes the seatbelt, takes her purse and gets out.

Shuuya follows her, “A little.”

“Not enough,” she chides him.

They sit at their favourite table and Shuuya looks around the restaurant, almost empty. It’s quite early for lunch, but Shuuya has to come back soon in the ER (and if he can, he wants to go and see Endou) and Natsumi probably has a meeting. She always has meetings.

“What do you want to eat?” she asks, looking at the menu.

Shuuya sighs, he picks his, he tries to read it, he closes it and then puts his hands on it and then he raises his head to look at Natsumi.

She feels his eyes on her, so she looks up, “What?”

“What’s going on?”

“What do you mean?”

“I know you are hiding something. What are you hiding?”

“I’m not hiding nothing!” Natsumi sounds affronted, but Shuuya won’t let it go, and she knows it because she huffs and crosses her arms on her chest, “I’m not hiding anything because I was going to tell you…”

Shuuya tilts his head as an invitation to continue. Natsumi tucks a strand of her long hair behind her ear, her earrings shining under the warm artificial light.

“I’m kind of seeing someone.”

Shuuya feels his eyes widen, “Oh.”

Natsumi doesn’t date. To be precise, she doesn’t have the time to date. The only time she dated someone, it was this exchange student from Cotarl, and it didn’t end nicely, Shuuya having to spend the night at her place just to get her out of her room.

So, it’s nice to know she is seeing someone, she deserves it.

“Yeah. It was sudden for me too… I… I want to tell you because you…” she doesn’t finish her thought, but Shuuya understands it.

“Of course. Can I ask who it is?”

“You know her,” she whispers, blush on her cheeks and Shuuya smiles.

“Her?”

“Yeah, I…”

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“You know.”

Natsumi’s eyes fill with tears.

Shuuya laughs, “C’mon, we already did this.”

“Yeah, I know, but it’s…”

“I know. I know,” Shuuya pats her hand, then he holds it.

Natsumi looks at their hands tighten together.

“Well, you know her. It’s… Aki,” she murmurs.

_Oh._

“Oh.”

“Is it weird? She works for me, essentially. Oh, my God. You don’t think it’s a good idea, don’t you?”

“Hey, wait! Wait! I didn’t say anything, Natsu. Calm down. Aki is really sweet and she always has my coffee ready because she knows what I like and how much I’m addicted to it. She’s… I think she is… I don’t want to say perfect, but she sounds great for you,” Shuuya tries to calm her down, knowing her tendencies to go on a spiral—they are so similar, sometimes.

“She is really great, and sweet, and nice. Isn’t she?”

“I already said that,” Shuuya teases her a little, then he notices the waiter coming closer to their table, “Let’s order something, and then we will talk some more, what do you think?”

Natsumi nods, looking more like herself, “Great idea.”

The waiter takes their orders and leaves.

Shuuya thinks about approaching the subject. Coming out is never easy, he supposes, even if you are coming out to your already gay best friend. There are a lot of variables, this is why he wants to try and be more… gentle, with her. He doesn’t know Natsumi’s whole process of coming to terms with her sexuality (he knows for him it was hard and it still feels like it, sometimes) and he doesn’t want to sound too harsh with her, because she doesn’t deserve it. He will not ask her questions like _how did you know_ and _when did you know_ because it’s not his business, really. But he wants to know more about her and Aki, because thinking about it, it makes so much sense.

Natsumi never ate at the cafeteria before, but Shuuya started to see her go inside as he was walking out to go and see Endou. And he found it weird, not worrying that much to ask her why, just weird.

This explains it a lot.

Luckily, Natsumi doesn’t wait for him, “I don’t know how it happened, I just wanted a coffee.”

“Don’t we all,” he comments.

“Oh, shut up,” Natsumi slaps his hand without any force or malice, “As I was saying… we just clicked. Find out we were in the same class in middle school! And the next thing I know, I’m inviting her out for dinner, just casual. I liked her enough, I want to be her friend. But after spending the night together, talking and laughing and watching the stars on the back of her pick-up truck I… I don’t know. It felt right, so I kissed her. She kissed me back.”

“That’s…”

“Sappy, I know.”

“So sappy, who are you and where is my Natsu?”

“She is still here,” Natsumi giggles, “Apparently she just likes women too now.”

“At least one of us likes them.”

Natsumi shakes her head before starting a laughing lounder, “I hate you.”

“It’s true,” Shuuya fills his glass of water, “But also, I’m happy for you. I mean it. And, again, thank you for telling me this and… everything else.”

Natsumi rests her cheeks against her hand, “Thank you for listening to me and accepting me.”

“Would’ve been hypocritical of me since you are the first person who told me that being who you are isn’t a mistake.”

“And when I was fifteen years old. I was so wise.”

“You still are,” Shuuya says, “If you want my opinion.”

“Enough about me!” she exclaims while pouring herself a glass of water, then she proceeds to do the same for Shuuya, “How’s ER treating you?”

“I’m proud to inform you I did throw up once since you transferred me,” Shuuya takes the glass in his left hand, but he doesn’t drink it, “I… kind of like it, but I can’t stay, so whatever.”

“I know I told you it was only temporary, but…”

“But what?” Shuuya asks, trying not to sound angry. He prefers not talking about it, honestly. He knows Natsumi means well, but she can’t understand what 's going on in his head because of the simple fact that he, Shuuya, doesn’t get it first. It’s just hard.

“But, you could stay there. As long as you like.”

Shuuya laughs, but there isn’t amusement in it, “You know I can’t.”

Natsumi sits straighter and Shuuya knows she means business, “Why? Because of your father?”

Shuuya doesn’t answer and he hears Endou's comment about him shutting down when he feels cornered.

Natsumi sighs and pushes back her long hair, “Okay, let’s leave it for now. We’ll talk about it later. The only thing I’m going to tell you is that whatever happens when you are going back to Cardiology, it will have to be your decision. Only yours. And you will have to be capable of standing in an OR, Shuuya, because, yes, I love you, but this doesn’t mean I will not fire you, if you can’t perform at your best.”

Shuuya closes his eyes, “I thought you would say that.”

“Hey, look at me,” Shuuya does as she says, “I know what you can do and I believe in you.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t,” he says, “Believe in me. I don’t want to disappoint you too.”

Natsumi smiles, “Never. And the reason why I brought it up it’s because Professor Kudou asked me to extend your stay in the ER.”

Shuuya wides his eyes, “What?”

“Professor Kudou needs your eyes and your hands, saying your instincts are good for emergency medicine. He told me about how you handled well the situation with the pregnant mother the other day.”

“I…” he whispers, “I was doing my job.”

“And he said you are overworking because you are taking on a patient from Orthopaedics, too. Is it that right?”

“Yeah, but Endou is…”

Natsumi arches an eyebrow, “Endou?”

“Endou doesn’t feel like a patient to me,” he shrugs, “So, no, I’m not overworking. I'm just doing a favour to Doctor Urabe, actually.”

“What do you mean he doesn’t feel like a patient to you?” Natsumi asks, her tone dangerous, after their water serves them the food they ordered.

Shuuya swallows, “He doesn’t treat me like a doctor.”

“What’s that supposed to mean? You are his doctor and he is in the hospital, of course you have that kind of relationship.”

“It’s… he… feels more like a friend?”

Natsumi’s chopsticks hit her plate, “Friend?”

Shuuya tries to read her expression. Is she angry? She looks angry. Shuuya knows having more of a professional relationship with a patient inside the hospital is wrong. That’s the person you should care for in a medical way, no other way. But, again, Endou is trying his best to kill everything professional between them. Now, Shuuya doesn’t correct him when Endou calls him Gouenji without adding a doctor first. Natsumi has the right to be angry and she has the power to stop Shuuya from being Endou’s doctor. That would be sad, actually, Shuuya thinks, it would be really sad if she doesn’t allow him to see Endou anymore. Just because Endou distracts him from the reality of the hospital, sometimes, and it’s very nice. 

Shuuya spends the lunch break without torturing himself about how is going to tell his dad he isn’t working in the Cardiology Department for a while, thought that makes Shuuya feel guilty because he’s lying both to his father and to his sister, to scared even to know her reaction to his transfer. Shuuya knows she is different from their father (now, he feels guilty about even putting her sister at the same level as their dad), but this doesn’t stop Shuuya from feeling like a disappointment to his sister, too.

Spending that hour with Endou makes him feel empty, meaning that all the things going on his mind don’t bother him too much, since he is more focused on talking about books or movies or his cat or he’s listening to Endou talking about school, his students, Kazemaru and Kidou (which, it’s something more funny than Shuuya thought because Kidou in high school is something he missed and now he can enjoy through the eyes of someone who gets Kidou like Shuuya gets him). And even when their conversation turns personal, Endou doesn’t make it heavy, he doesn’t press Shuuya and he feels so light and maybe too much understood, it actually scares him. Endou has some secrets, too, and he is hiding them well, but that doesn’t disturb Shuuya that much. He feels like Endou enjoys his company as much as Shuuya enjoys his, and Shuuya considers this a win.

Thinking about losing these moments of peace…

“Look,” he panics a little, “I know how it sounds, but I can assure I’m not… I’m offering him company—no, that sounds too wrong, what I mean, it’s this: he doesn’t like hospitals… please don’t tell HR.”

Natsumi is trying hard not to laugh, now. It’s a change from her previous expression.

“Luckily, I invited you here as your friend and not as your boss,” she says, still giggling a little, “So, no, I’m not rattling you out to HR. It’s not against hospital rules to befriend a patient, if I remember correctly. You are just making him feel comfortable in an uncomfortable place, right?”

“Right.”

“But if the situation changed…”

Shuuya tilts his head, “What do you mean?”

“If you have a crush on him…”

“What? No, Natsumi, c’mon, I don’t have a crush on one of my patients.”

“Good for you, then,” Natsumi starts eating again meanwhile Shuuya picks at his food, thinking about it.

He doesn’t have a crush on Endou, that’s sure. He doesn’t know even if Endou thinks of him as a friend or just… an acquaintance.

“What happens if I have a crush on him?”

“You said you didn’t have a crush on him.”

“I don’t have a crush on him,” Shuuya clarifies, “I’m just asking what happens if it was the case, which it isn’t. I’m just curious.”

“Well,” Natsumi intertwines her fingers under her chin, “You get a formal reprimand from HR and then they open an investigation on how you did your job when you were the doctor’s patient.”

“Sounds awful.”

“It is. It may ruin your reputation,” Natsumi explains.

“Luckily my reputation is already bad.”

Natsumi gives him her _don’t say it again_ look, then she continues, “I also heard it’s super frowned upon between doctors to see a doctor date a patient even when they are not in their care anymore. Just be careful.”

“You have nothing to worry about,” Shuuya says and he isn’t lying.

He would never date a patient. Or current patient. He doesn’t think I would never date Endou, in the first place. Maybe it’s because he really thinks that Endou already has a boyfriend, that being Kazemaru Ichirouta.

“I hope so,” Natsumi smiles, “Anyway, I’m happy you are making other friends outside of me and Kidou, even if President Me may not like who you choose as your friend.”

“Oh, wait until you hear about this,” Shuuya says with a chuckle.

“What?”

“Endou’s best friend is Kidou.”

“What? Your Kidou?”

“Yes!”

“What?! Tell me everything!”

Shuuya wakes up to Kazemaru’s text.

_Kazemaru: Hi! I’m coming back to Inazuma tomorrow, so I’ll try to come to the hospital to see Endou as soon as I can. I’ll see you tomorrow?_

_Gouenji: I’ll try to be there._

_Kazemaru: Thank you! For everything!_

Shuuya doesn’t answer back.

He grunts getting out of bed, Lizzie’s eyes following him.

“Please, don’t.”

Lizzie goes back to sleep.

Shuuya nods, “Good girl.”


	2. part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> be aware! this part is pretty heavy bc of mentions of a car accident, death, blood, trauma, depression, suicidal thoughts, anxiety!

Urabe is back. 

Shuuya sees her at the cafeteria first thing in the morning. He tries to drink his coffee faster hoping she won’t spot him and tries to talk to him about Endou Mamoru, but he’s too slow, apparently, because there she comes, her cappuccino in one hand, already in front of Shuuya. 

“Hey, Gouenji,” she greets, her skin a tone darker than the last time he saw her and her makeup matching perfectly her pink blouse and her short nails, “How are you?”

“Fine, thanks for asking. You?”

“Marvellous. I enjoyed my vacation without worries thanks to you!”

“I’m glad,” he mutters.

“Since I’m back you don’t have to take care of Endou Mamoru for me anymore.”

Yeah, Shuuya figured that. Why does he feel like sulking? He doesn’t know, but since this morning after waking up with Kazemaru’s text and Natsumi’s words from three days ago still hanging in his mind about crushes and unethical behaviour, he feels all over the place. More than usually, to be precise.

He just hopes the content inside of his stomach stays in his stomach.

“Sure,” he says.

“Then I’ll inform the patient,” Rika says as she waves at Shuuya. She is leaving, heels against the cafeteria’s floor, but before she can go too far away, Shuuya’s body moves on his own, without his mind catching up with it. Shuuya stops her, hand on her wrist, the cold metal of her bracelets touching his skin. Urabe turns slowly to look at him, an arched eyebrow and a question in her eyes.

Shuuya swallows and he glances around, hoping no one is watching them right now, because whatever he is doing, it’s embarrassing, “Wait, I… I’ll tell him, if you don’t see a problem with it?”

Urabe’s eyes widen, then she smiles, a little too much for Shuuya to feel perfectly okay with it, “I don’t, but I’ll suggest you to go now.”

Shuuya sighs, “I have five minutes until my shift begins, Urabe.”

“Then run,” she sips a bit of her cappuccino.

He runs. Well, he doesn’t; he walks fast towards the elevator, pressing the calling button a few extra times for good measure, but it’s still too slow for Shuuya. He decides to take the stairs, his long legs doing two steps at the time, his eyes fixed on his wristwatch.

It’s 8.55AM.

He can do this.

When he is outside Endou’s room he hears noise. Too much noise that Endou can’t make alone in his room. Or with Kidou (but it can’t be Kidou since he is on shift today).

Shuuya glances at his wristwatch.

He ponders his choices. He could go and tell Urabe to take care of it, but it kinda feels wrong to Shuuya, since he and Endou have this weird friendship going on. Shuuya feels like he needs to be the one telling him something like this. It’s not a big thing, they knew it would happen sooner or later, but he can’t let a stranger inform Endou of this. He owes him at least this. 

So, he knocks on the door and prays to be able to do it. Words are not his strong suit and even if Endou is a friend--sort of a friend--he has to be emphatic and all of that shit Toramaru bugs him about. 

Shuuya’s knocking makes the noise stop, and then he hears Endou’s voice, “Come in,” he says and Shuuya can feel the joy in his tone and Shuuya is a little bit worried now, because he likes when Endou is happy, but Shuuya doesn’t enjoy the same definition of fun as Endou. Endou enjoys people and being with them, Shuuya not so much, and he knows something he doesn’t particularly likes it’s going on inside Endou’s room.

Shuuya opens the door slowly and he gets why there was so much noise. The room is full of children—more like teenagers, but to Shuuya they are all children until they are adults. Everyone is staring at him, all big shining eyes and confusion written all over their faces. Shuuya and the kids keep staring at each other and Shuuya doesn’t allow himself to breathe, too stunned. What Shuuya thinks are Endou’s students do the same. No one moves for a few minutes, but Shuuya notices how one of them looks at him, the way he is studying him and the situation, or the way one of the few girls keeps looking at him and then at Endou, a weird light in her dark green eyes. 

“Gouenji!” Endou says in his name and everyone—Shuuya included—snap out of it.

“Endou,” he answers back, “I… there are a lot of people here.”

Endou laughs, delighted, “I told you about my students, didn’t I?”

“You did. Plenty.”

“They came to visit me,” Endou explains the obvious, then turns to look at the kids (Shuuya tries to count them, but when he arrives at eight he gives up, but he is sure there a twenty children inside a tiny hospital room and he knows they are supposed to be in school, right now), “This is my doctor, Gouenji Shuuya. He’s taking care of me while I’m staying here.”

Shuuya wants to scream. It was already hard to tell him about him not being his doctor anymore, but now there are twenty children in front of him and Endou looks so happy and content for the first time in days and Shuuya doesn’t have the heart or the courage to tell him what he needs to tell him. 

One of them steps in the front and bows in Shuuya’s general direction, “Thank you, Doctor, for taking care of our teacher.” 

Shuuya’s heart jumps in his chest.

The others imitate him soon enough, even the one with the scary look who was watching him like a hawk watches his prey.

Shuuya laughs nervously, “There is no need for it, really…”

“No, we are very thankful—” but before he can’t continue, Endou is stopping him with his words.

“Tenma, that’s enough. Gouenji is embarrassed, you are making him blush. He is not used to it. Stop embarrassing my friend.”

Shuuya feels suffocating and he knows his five minutes are up. He needs to go, he has to go, because his job in the ER is important, but telling Endou the truth is important as well.

He hates himself and now he has to make a choice. 

“I was here to tell you something, but you are busy, and I have to go back to the ER,” he settles for a half-truth, “I’ll see you later.”

Probably, he will see him later. He needs to catch Urabe, first, of course.

Endou’s eyes fill with confusion, but then he smiles, “Okay, I'll wait for you, then. Bye!”

Shuuya looks at the kids, each of them in the eyes, and with the most serious tone he says, “Please don’t exhaust him, and if he tries to get up, you are allowed to push him back to bed.”

The one Endou calls Tenma (and Shuuya knows it’s a familiar name, but right now, he doesn’t remember where he heard it first, maybe from Endou himself) nods seriously, “Of course, Doctor.”

“Traitor,” Endou yells at him, but Shuuya is already getting out of the room, waving his hands to the children.

9.03AM.

Well.

“Gouenji?” a female voice calls his name and he turns.

“Haruna?”

Kidou’s sister. Why is she here?

“What are you doing here?”

“I accompanied my students to see their teacher here…”

“Endou?”

“Yeah, you know him?” she asks.

“Kidou didn’t tell you?”

“The last time I saw my brother he talked to me about Haizaki Ryouhei for three hours, mentioning you just to make an example about how Haizaki doesn’t know how to behave. Me and Endou work at the same school, actually. The kids asked me to use my teaching time to come here and I said yes because I don’t think I would’ve survived if I’d said no.”

Shuuya laughs at this strange fate, “Of course.”

“Are you okay?” Haruna asks behind her red framed glasses, her blue eyes attentive as much as his brother’s. 

Shuuya nods, “I’m late actually, I have to go,” he starts walking towards the stairs, but then he stops and runs to hug Haruna just because it’s been so long since he saw her and she feels like a sister to him as much as Kidou feels like a brother. 

She hugs back and laughs, “Okay, now go, go!”

Professor Kudou is waiting for him in the break room. The only day he arrives late, of course. Just his luck.

“Doctor Gouenji,” he greets him, seated at the table, both arms and legs crossed, not coffee or tea on the table, just files of cases he is following right now. 

“Professor, how can I help you?” he asks as he swallows his saliva. 

“Start with not being late, will you?”

Ouch.

“I apologize.”

“Good. Now seat.”

Shuuya obeys.

“Did President Raimon inform you about my request to prolong your stay here in the ER?”

“She did, Professor,” he replies, not understanding where Kudou is going with this. 

“What do you think about it?”

Shuuya opens his mouth to answer and then he closes it. He… why is the Professor doing this? He will answer with the same thing he said to Natsumi.

“I have to go back to Cardiology to finish my residency to become a Cardio-surgeon.”

Professor Kudou hums, “So, do you really want to finish it?”

Shuuya’s heart skips a beat, “I have to.”

“But do you want it?”

“I don’t think this is pertinent.”

“It’s very pertinent, Gouenji. You are doing a fine job here in the ER. Professor Kira thinks the same, as well as President Raimon. We just need to know what you want to do with your career.”

_What you want to do with your career._

The problem is this has never been Shuuya’s career, or at least he never thought about it as his. It’s always been his father’s choice. It’s what his father wants for him. He never had a word in the matter, there was never a question like this when he talked about his future with his father. 

_What do you want to do? What do you want to do? What do you want to do?_

He doesn’t know. He never had dreams, he never had hobbies, he never had ambitions because everything has always been decided for him. He never had someone ask him what do you want to do and for all of his life and when someone asked him (Professor Nikaidou asked him one day, out of nowhere. It shook Shuuya’s world) it was too late to have an answer. He spent all his life getting ready to be a doctor, he wasted—he wasted all of his life to be a doctor, and now he is a doctor, but not doctor enough for his father to like or to be happy with it. He needs to be a Cardio-surgeon, he needs to be like his father to make him happy, so he will leave Shuuya alone, for the first time since his mother’s death. The only thing his father allowed him to be was being gay, but just because he couldn’t control that. And even now he doesn’t like it. How can Shuuya be what he wants when his father doesn’t allow it? How can Shuuya do what he wants when his father already decided it for him?

“I need to be a Cardio-surgeon.”

Professor Kudou stares at him, and Shuuya can’t tell, for the love of God, what he is thinking.

“Need,” the Professor simply says and then he gets up to leave.

Shuuya doesn’t turn, but he can feel the Professor pausing at the door, he can imagine his hand on the handle, he hears the familiar sound of it opening and then, “Need isn’t enough, you _needing_ to be isn’t enough because there isn’t a need in being a doctor, there is only doing a good job. There is only being a good doctor. Think about it. Think about what you can do as a doctor right now. Think about what you can do for your patients, if you can take care of them as are you now.”

Before the Professor can leave and Shuuya can have a mental breakdown inside the break room, Fuyuka appears at the door and she is breathing hard for the run “Doctors, we have a car accident! A big one! Incoming!”

“You heard that. Get ready, Doctor.” 

“How many injured?”

“Fifteen, as now. They are going to come in fast and we need to be faster. I want Gouenji and Afuro with me. Nosaka, take Kageno and Nishikage with you,” Professor Kudou orders, putting on his white coat after running in the ER after a department meeting about how to handle this emergency.

This is huge. This is _very_ big. Multiple victims of a pile-up car accident on the interstate are about to come in and this his first real massive emergency since coming to the ER. He had minor emergencies, with two or three patients at the same time, but now it’s fifteen and he can feel everyone’s agitation; they don’t know the state of the patients and they don’t have enough room in the ER or doctors for fifteen people in serious condition at once. He’s also buzzing with anxiety because of what Professor Kudou said to him and about how he can fuck up everything in a situation like this. He knows he can fuck it up easily, without even trying.

He takes a deep breath.

Toramaru and Fuyuka are next to him, to help and cover for him if he needs it. Professor Kudou is in front of the automatic doors, ready to take the patients in as soon as they arrive and evaluate their status and coordinate the ER. 

The head nurse is looking at the clock, counting down the minutes following the updates of the ambulance. 

Shuuya’s hands start sweating. He can’t think about how badly this can go, right now, he needs to be a good doctor, like Kudou said. Stop, he tells his brain, this isn’t the right time to think about something like this.

And maybe, if Midorikawa Ryuuji, the first paramedic to come into the ER, didn’t appear in his line of sight, in that moment, everything would’ve been different, but Shuuya sees him, he sees the blood on his hands as he rushes in the victim on the stretcher. He hears Professor Kudou calling for him, but he is already there. Not thinking, just acting. As he should. As a good doctor should. Instincts and skills mixing together.

“Tell me everything, Midorikawa.”

Soon enough they understand that fifteen wasn’t the right number. It’s more victims than they thought. Nosaka, Nishikage and Professor Kudou are the only three Trauma surgeons the ER has on duty, right now, and they are doing their best in the OR. Shuuya is doing what he can to cover for the three of them, with Afuro helping him every step of the way. He been up cleaning, stitching wounds, ordering scan, insert IVs, doing shots, CPRs, losing patients and trying to saving them for about six hours now and he’s about to cry because they just lost another one and he knows that, as a doctor, you can’t save everyone, it comes with the job description, but sometimes he wishes he has healing powers so he wouldn’t lose no one.

He is supposed to be used to losing patients, by now, but it never stops hurting every time it happens. The ER is less heavy on his heart because they are there for a short period of time, they don’t get stuck in his mind after months, like that old lady in Cardiology two years ago. He still thinks about her and her weak heart, sometimes. 

Afuro sits next to him on the floor of the break room. It’s the first moment of peace after hours of chaos and Shuuya wants to disappear, but he can’t, because he knows he will have to get up and do his job as the best he can after this short break. 

“We can’t save everyone.”

“I know,” he whispers.

Afuro puts a hand on his shoulder and he squeezes it. Shuuya doesn’t try to shake it off, it doesn’t even cross his mind.

They didn’t talk much in the period Shuuya spent in the ER, he just knows Afuro is a good doctor and a good person, the way he behaves with the patients is proof of that. Afuro is a year behind with his residency because of his country's military enlistment laws, but he is fast at catching up and since Shuuya is new in the department, Afuro tries to help him when he can. He always gently smiles at Shuuya and greets him with a good morning. Once, he noticed how Shuuya didn’t get his morning coffee and got it for him. This, though, is the first time they are in the same room alone, but Shuuya finds it comforting and welcomed.

 _He understands_ , Shuuya thinks, _he understands how I feel and he’s trying his best too_.

“It’s better to remind ourselves, sometimes. It can get overwhelming, the feeling of being impotent after trying everything we can.”

“It does,” he hates how his voice almost breaks.

“And we are different people, we have different coping mechanisms, so it’s okay if you want to cry, right now. I won’t judge.”

Shuuya hides his face in his arms, forehead touching his knees, blonde hair falling down.

Afuro rubs his back, soft circling motions calming him down.

He cries, just a little, just for the sixteen years old girl who lost her leg, for the four years old who lost his life, for the people still bleeding on beds and for the ones inside the OR.

He cries.

And Afuro doesn’t judge him. Because he understands.

Professor Kudou gets out of the OR and Shuuya is waiting for him outside. Kudou called for him specifically from inside the OR. Shuuya hopes he doesn’t want to resume their previous conversation because he doesn’t have the mental stability to get through it, not right now.

“How is it going?”

“We have five dead, the others are stable, for now. The only one who concerns us it’s the forty-five truck driver. We believe he has abdominal internal bleeding, and probably needs a surgery soon.”

“The police showed up?”

Shuuya nods as they walk in the ER, “They sent Officer Kozoumaru to talk to the victims. Fuyuka—I mean, Nurse Kudou told him to come later since most of them weren’t able to talk.”

“Good job. Let’s see the internal bleeding in Coat 3, shall we?”

“Should I call over Doctor Afuro?”

“No, I want you,” Professor Kudou puts on a fresh pair of blue gloves, “Aren’t you one of my doctors?”

The Professor doesn’t give Shuuya the time to answer before going in. Toramaru is already doing what he can for the patient to make him more comfortable.

Shuuya takes another deep breath and follows his superior, hoping to put an end to this day.

He has to stay late. With Nosaka still in the OR, and with the number of patients, it’s better to have all hands on deck. Shuuya goes to the cafeteria to grab something to eat, since he didn’t have lunch, his stomach begging for some kind of food.

Aki is cleaning up, getting ready to leave.

She spots him and smiles. Shuuya tries to do the same.

“Rough day?” she asks.

“Yes,” he answers, not bothering to hide it. It’s probably written on all of his face and of his coat, blood stains all over it. 

“I’ll make you something warm to eat.”

“It’s okay, don’t worry about it, you are leaving.”

“My work is never done! Sit down, will you? I’ll reheat some soup for you.”

Shuuya gives in, only because he doesn’t have the strength to fight her. She is determined to feed him and she will, and he likes the idea of hot soup, right now.

She puts the warm plate in front of him and a bottle of water, and then she sits on the opposite seat, right cheek against her right hand, “I heard you met Tenma, this morning.”

Shuuya tries to recall what she is talking about… Tenma? Tenma. Oh, Tenma!

“Yeah, one of Endou’s students.”

“Also, my cousin.”

“Him? Endou told me you raised him.”

Aki blushes, “I didn’t. Endou exaggerates.”

“He was pretty convincing.”

“It’s just…” Aki bites her bottom lip, “His parents are always working, and they are in Okinawa. They sent him to live with me because I had the time to care for him.”

“Sounds like you raised him. His parents tossed him aside and you took the responsibility to put a warm meal in his stomach and a roof over his head. Endou doesn’t exaggerate.”

Aki laughs, “You… are weird.”

“What?” Shuuya asks.

“Nothing. Eat or it will get cold.”

“Please, tell me why I’m weird.”

“You are always so quiet, always trying to please everyone so you try not to speak your mind.”

“I’m sorry. I should’ve—”

“No!” Aki stops him from finishing his apology, “You are right. I just don’t like to think those things about my aunt, but you are right. I’m not angry because you expressed your point of view.”

“Oh, sorry.”

Aki shakes her head, “Endou and Natsumi are right, you say sorry too much.”

“Wait, what? They talk about me?”

“Both of them have lots to say, you know. But I already know most of the things, since we are friends,”Aki points out while she fixes her hairpins. 

Shuuya widens his eyes, “Are we… friends?”

Aki laughs, then she realizes he is serious, he is really asking her if they are friends, so she smiles so gently and kind, Shuuya wants to cry, “Of course we are, why do you think I always allow you to skip the line?”

“I thought you were pitying me. I always look like I saw hell in the morning.”

“You do, but you look like you saw hell on a fashion runway.”

“Is this a compliment?”

“It is, Gouenji, it is.”

Shuuya decides to eat. He doesn’t feel in the mood of doing it, but he can’t go on without something inside his tummy. He prays, for the second time that day, that he doesn’t throw up. 

After finishing, he looks at his wristwatch, “I should go. I’m taking too long.”

“Can I ask something?”

“About what?”

“Why didn't you tell Endou?” Aki asks, and when he widens his eyes, she adds, “About you not being his doctor anymore? Rika showed up for his daily check-up. She had to explain it to him, even if you told her you’ll do it.”

Oh. Right. He knew he was forgetting something, that sensation all day in the back of his head. He promised himself to go and see him to tell Endou about it, but everything that happened that day didn’t allow him to even think about Endou once, and not thinking about Endou made him feel a little bit more empty.

“Shit, I forgot. I went this morning but all of his students went there and…”

“You didn’t find the courage?”

“Yeah, shit,” he mutters, “Is he angry with me?”

“He is more confused than anything. I suppose he knew it would’ve happened, anyway, but he wanted to know it from you. He really sees you as a friend more than a doctor,” Aki explains, her voice soft.

They are the only ones in the cafeteria. Shuuya feels like the silence could swallow him up. 

Shuuya gets up, his half empty plate in one hand, “I’ll go see him, now. Kudou will have my head, but at least…”

“Are you sure?” Aki sounds worried, “I understand and Endou will do too, you know. It’s not that important…”

Shuuya feels his lips curve in a smile just for her, “It is. It’s just ten minutes, I’ll tell Kudou I had to go out to find something to eat because the cafeteria was closed, if he asks.”

Aki blushes, “Look at you, making me sound bad.”

“Consequences of being my friend.”

He goes to see Endou. It’s not late, but it’s not visitors time and Shuuya is more a visitor than a doctor, as for now.. He hopes Urabe isn’t around, or he will hear from her too.

Shuuya knocks, but he doesn’t wait for Endou to invite him. He slips inside the room and Endou is reading a book (Shuuya’s book).

“Hey,” he greets him in a whisper and Endou looks up—he didn’t hear Shuuya knocking, from the surprised expression on his face.

“Yo,” Endou replies, closing the book, a finger inside as a bookmark to not lose the page.

“Doctor Urabe told you.”

“She thought you already did inform me about it.”

“It was my intention, but the kids and then… It was kind of a rough day.”

Shuuya is convinced Endou will at least be annoyed with him, he will say he is only finding excuses. Endou probably doesn’t want to see him again. They are done, whatever sign of friendship between them it will be gone. 

Shuuya can imagine it so vividly.

But, of course, again, he doesn’t trust Endou enough, because the other closes the book and says, “Wanna talk about it?”

Shuuya feels confused, “You are not angry,” he doesn’t pose it as a question because it isn’t. 

“Why would I be? It’s true I would’ve preferred you telling me instead of Doctor Urabe, but I can’t pretend you didn’t try this morning. You were here to tell me, right?” Endou pets the empty spot at the end of the bed and Shuuya sits.

“Yes.”

“See, nothing to be angry about. This is also your place of work, and you don’t always have time for me. Sad. I would like that, actually,” Endou murmurs. 

Shuuya blushes, “Stop saying these kinds of things.”

“Why? I want to spend time with my friend,” Endou comes closer.

“Don’t move,” Shuuya tries to stop him, but it’s impossible because Endou is never going to listen to him, now. 

Endou snickers, “You are not my doctor anymore, so I will do what I want,” he moves a little bit more, using his hands and good foot to turn around.

“I’ll tell Doctor Urabe,” Shuuya threatens more as a joke. 

“Please,” Endou looks at him, “You are not going to rattle me out. It’s the bro code or something.”

“Bro code?

Now, they are side by side, Endou’s cast (now full of multicolour doodles, _get well soon_ and _we love you, come back soon_!) floating around without support. His other foot covered in the usual too long sock.

Shuuya can’t allow it.

He stands up.

“Where are you going?” Endou calls, but stops when he sees Shuuya pulling out the chair from the closet inside the room and moving it in front of Endou. He gently takes Endou’s cast into his hands, thumbs brushing against a small drawing of a dog saying _Sasuke misses you too_ , to lay it on the chair.

“Refrain from doing something like this next time,” Shuuya chides him and Endou winks at him. 

Shuuya stays up, looking at him, messy dark hair, the artificial light hitting his face, and with the contrast dark night outside, Endou looks haunting, and Shuuya finds himself surprised with this, because Endou never looked scary or threatening, but right now he feels to Shuuya like a ghost, especially in his mind.

Endou beams and that makes Shuuya stop thinking about ghosts and haunting pretty boys, “C’mon,” he takes Shuuya’s wrist, his finger brushing against Shuuya’s skin, “Sit, c’mon.”

Shuuya does as he says, letting Endou pull him, and he sits back next to Endou. His eyes shift on Endou’s bad foot, out of habit more than anything. 

“You worry too much. I will be fine.”

“Sorry.”

Endou shakes his head.

Shuuya bits his bottom lip. 

“Kazemaru is coming back tomorrow,” he throws it out there, just because the silence between them is killing him and he needs to say it, anyway.. Endou is waiting for Shuuya to tell him why his day was that rough, but Shuuya doesn’t know how to talk about it without crying or getting angry at himself for being weak and not powerful enough.

Endou purses his lips, but he doesn’t push. He knows what Shuuya did and he accepts it.

“Finally, it’s been, what, three weeks? His mom locked him inside her house, probably. She didn’t know she locked me inside this room as well…”

Shuuya laughs, “Is she that bad?”

Endou groans, “She isn’t bad, perse. But she is very controlling. Where do you think Kazemaru got that?”

“I don’t know Kazemaru that well, sorry.”

“You will, don’t worry. As I was saying about his mother…” and he keeps talking about Kazemaru’s mom, but the only thing Shuuya can focus on it’s the fact that Endou believes their friendship—Shuuya has to call it friendship, now—will continue even outside the hospital. Shuuya doesn’t really think it will be the case, since he’s bad at keeping up with other people and Endou will probably get tired of him soon; he’s too bland and too sorry for himself, as right now. He doesn’t have passions, he doesn’t have hobbies, he only has regrets and pain under his belt. Why would Endou enjoy spending time with him outside of here? Shuuya gets why he wants to spend time now, with Shuuya being the only person he saw almost every day, becoming more familiar day after day inside a place he hates, but after… Shuuya doesn’t see a future.

“And she hates Fudou. Like, really bad, I don’t know how they survived three weeks, the three of them inside that tiny house. Hey, Gouenji, are you listening to me?” Endou stops talking and he looks at him, frowning and pouting like a child. 

“Yes, sure,” Shuuya lies, but not quickly enough, because Endou huffs. 

“You weren’t listening.”

“How do you know?”

“You were spacing out like you always do when you start thinking about whatever you like to think about. Are you okay?”

Shuuya can’t believe this man—and he’s always saying that, but it’s true. Endou Mamoru isn’t something, someone he understands. He is different from other people he met, and he met a lot of people, but no one was so understanding of him like Endou. Maybe Kidou, but he learned how to understand Shuuya through error and trial, and of course, Natsumi, but she still doesn’t get some things about Shuuya. Endou, in three weeks, already knows how to read Shuuya, an unreadable book to most.

“I’m tired, that’s it.”

Endou stays quiet, like he is pondering what to do next. Then he slips his hand from his lap on top of Shuuya’s, calluses brushing against Shuuya’s soft skin. Shuuya doesn’t allow himself to breathe until Endou hooks his pinkie finger into Shuuya’s thumb.

Shuuya doesn’t move. Endou doesn’t move. They stay like this, mostly because Shuuya doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t want Endou to let go, he realizes. The touch, even if small, it’s comforting, as much as Kidou's back hug or Natsumi’s smile, more than Afuro’s pat on his shoulder earlier. It’s not too much, it’s not forthcoming, it’s subtle, it’s something Shuuya can deal with. Small, tiny, warm. Warm. Endou’s whole body, Endou’s pinkie finger is warm, making Shuuya feel warm as well. Shuuya feels… protected, in some strange way because it’s Endou Mamoru and he makes it work. 

It’s strange, but not unwelcome, not at all, Shuuya finds himself thinking about how he wants to stay like this, forever. 

“Do you want to know why I hate hospitals?” Endou speaks after a while, probably after he deems safe to do so. Shuuya hates to think Endou was waiting for his negative reaction to the touch.

“Do you want to tell me?”

“I do, actually,” Endou whispers, “It’s not something I tend to talk about, but I… you… I think you... I want you to know about it.”

Endou’s face is turned up, eyes on the white ceiling, the cold lights of the hospital still on, still lighting him up in that haunting way and now, his eyes are filling with something Shuuya never saw, something like pain and regret, and it hurts, and Shuuya doesn’t do anything to gain his attention.

“Please,” Shuuya says.

Endou closes his eyes, “I played soccer, but you know that. Kidou must have told you,” he begins.

Shuuya murmurs, “Yes, he did. He told me you were a goalkeeper or whatever it means.”

Endou chuckles, “You don’t know anything about soccer?”

“Only that you have to run after a ball. My father,” he almost stops, but he will make Endou suspicious, so he keeps talking, “always deemed it a waste of time. I actually wanted to try back in elementary school, but he didn’t want me to.”

Endou scorns at that, “Your dad doesn’t sound like someone I would like.”

Shuuya tights his hold on Endou’s pinkie, “Probably not.”

He knows Endou will have questions for him, later, he knows it, but right now it’s not about him, so Shuuya nudges him to continue.

“So, I was… I was good, I don’t want to lie to you. I had five offers to play pro after high school, teams with a big name and a big reputation in this world. My grandfather was my trainer. I was living my dream. I love—I love soccer. I do,” he stammers a little, “But then I… my grandfather and I got in a car accident. It was bad. He was driving. My grandpa passed away instantly, and I… Shit, sorry,” he uses his other—free—hand to hide his face, tears escaping his eyes at the memory. 

“Hey,” Shuuya gets closer, shoulder against shoulder, “It’s okay,” he unhooks his thumb from Endou’s pinkie to hold all of his hand in his, squeeze it tight, “You don’t have to…”

“I do, I do, just… give me a moment,” Endou murmurs.

“Sure, when you are ready…” Shuuya feels… he is just feeling, right now, “I’m here,” he says, and it’s true. He is here, not as a doctor, but as Endou’s friend. He wants to be a shoulder to cry on, he wants to support him, he wants to be proud of him like he’s proud of Kidou or Natsumi, he wants to be present in his life and for the love of God, he will.

That’s one step towards something, he thinks, he just doesn’t know what it is. But it doesn’t matter, not at the moment. At the moment all he cares about it’s Endou, and Endou’s tears, and Endou’s sadness, and he wants to wash it away, he wants to take all the pain and he wishes he could do that, he really does. Not just for Endou, but for everyone.

The curse of feeling impotent, yet again.

“I got hurt, bad. They had to reconstruct my bone from my ankle to my knee, I have iron instead of bones, actually,” he points the leg without cast, and Shuuya gets why he is always wearing that sock, probably there is a ugly surgical scar hiding under it, “I lost my grandpa and my career, my passion, in five minutes,” he turns to look at Shuuya and his cheeks are stained from tears, his freckles shining under the light and his eyes, full of sadness, but not regret, “I had to spend five months in the hospital, doing nothing, without being able to do simple tasks like go to the bathroom or to look outside the window. I spent one year just to learn how to walk again.”

Shuuya is a loss now, this is too much. This wasn’t in his medical records. Or maybe it was, Shuuya didn’t bother to check. He wants to say he’s sorry, but sorry doesn’t even cut it. He can’t imagine losing everything for the simple fact he never had something to lose, like Endou. Endou is pure passion, pure love for what he does. Shuuya didn’t have that, and he can be jealous that Endou had, but more importantly, he can’t understand how traumatizing it is to lose something you love so badly in an instant. He can understand losing a loved one, since his mother died, but he was too young and he doesn’t remember her, he only recalls his dad crying looking at her photos, before losing the capability to feel human emotions. He can’t imagine what Endou went through and how he is one of the strongest people Shuuya ever met, and he works in a field when strong people are everywhere in the form of patients.

Endou takes his silence as an answer, though, and smiles, “I was stuck in the hospital and every day it was a reminder of what I had lost, my dreams, my grandfather, my ability to play. The doctors didn’t even believe I could go back to walk normally, figures playing. It was hard, for me and everyone who loved me, actually. Kidou slept in the bed next to mine every night for a week, once. I had these thoughts about dying, constantly, and it was hard not to act on it. It was the darkest time of my life.”

“I’m…”

_What do you say? What do you say? What do you say?_

Shuuya doesn’t know what to say.

He closes his mouth.

Endou shakes his head, “I’m fine, now. I was never the giving up type, you know. I had to go through years of therapy, but I found myself a new dream, a new passion. I enrolled in college and studied the time I was stuck in bed. I graduated pretty fast, actually. Got a degree in Sport Science, Coaching and Physical Education and then I hunted for a job. Luckily, with me being an ex pro player, it wasn’t that difficult. Now I teach kids about sports, and I’m happy. ”

Shuuya squeezes his hand, again, “I’m happy for you,” and he is, he really is.

“Of course, I still have problems. I need to prepare myself mentally when I have to get inside a car and I hate seeing my surgical scar, so I avoid wearing shorts. It’s really hard when it’s summer, but I’m getting better at that. And I try to stay clear of hospitals, if it’s possible. If I have to see a doctor, I go to Kidou.”

Shuuya smiles at hearing his (theirs) best friend’s name. 

“Kidou is an oculist, I don’t know how he can help you,” Shuuya says, to light up the room a little bit.

“Well, he went to med school, right? They had to teach him something about headaches,” Endou shrugs, but the smile is back on his lips.

Shuuya feels a little bit lighter now, Endou looks better too. 

Shuuya reciprocates the smile, then he murmurs, “I’m sorry this happened to you.”

“It’s been years, now, there isn’t something to be sorry about.”

“Still,” Shuuya insists.

“Still,” Endou echoes.

“I’m… thank you for sharing it with me. I… it was hard, I’m sure,” Shuuya whispers. 

Endou smiles, “It was, but you are my friend and it’s okay for me if you know. I’m sorry I cried.”

“Don’t.”

Endou winks at him.

Shuuya thinks about confiding too, since Endou opened up like this, raw and sincere and honest. But, it’s… complicated. Endou is a natural in sharing feelings and experience, something Shuuya isn’t very familiar with.

Deciding on what to do is not going to happen, because Shuuya’s phone rings, Red Velvet’s Ice Cream Cake sounding loud and clear in Endou’s room.

It’s Toramaru.

Panics shortcuts his brain.

Fuck, he’s late. He’s really late. His thirty minute break did become an _hour_ break. Professor Kudou will kill him, not asking him about staying in the ER. He will send him back to Cardiology early, instead of making him stay. And this is the thought that makes Shuuya spiral really bad. He doesn’t want to go back, not yet. Not yet. He isn’t ready to go back. He doesn’t want to. He feels like a child, he has the urge to stomp his feet against the floor and cry, but he can’t. He can’t, not with Endou with him.

Endou.

“Shit,” he gets up, still holding Endou’s hands, almost dragging him with him. Endou fights back, stopping Shuuya.

Shuuya lets go, “Sorry, I, shit.”

“Calm down, Gouenji, what’s going on?”

“I’m late, fuck. Really late. We have the ER full and almost every doctor is in the OR because of the accident and I’m here instead of there. I fucked up, again. I had to check on a few patients. Shit, Kudou is going to be angry, for sure. He already confronted me once today. Shit, this is… why I can’t do anything right,” he starts walking back and forth, not leaving. He’s too scared to leave, right now. Shit.

Endou catches Shuuya’s wrists, both of them, to stop him from his frenetic walk, “Look at me.”

Shuuya looks down in Endou’s eyes, still red because of his tears and Shuuya hates himself. He should’ve been the one consoling him, not the other way around. But Endou is an angel, already trying to help Shuuya in every way he can.

“Good. Breath. It’s okay. Good, breath,” Shuuya follows his instructions, “Now, go. Tell them I called for you if they ask.”

“I…”

“I needed you. You were my doctor, right?”

“I was.”

“See, none harm done.”

“Endou,” Shuuya says, intentions clear.

“I swear if you say sorry I’m going to beat you up with my cast, and I won’t regret breaking my ankle again. Now go to do your job, will you? I’ll see you tomorrow. Promise me you will come and see me tomorrow.”

Shuuya widens his eyes.

He promises.

Professor Kudou isn’t around when he reaches the ER, lungs hurting from the run. Toramaru says sorry when he spots him, saying he called Shuuya because Professor Kudou told him to let Shuuya know he can go home.

“He said you did a good job, and that you should rest.”

Afuro is behind Toramaru, writing something on his notepad, “Looks like you’re Kudou’s favourite, now,” he comments, without bite.

Shuuya can’t talk, “What?” he struggles it out.

Afuro laughs, “Go home, you aren’t working properly. We’ll see you tomorrow, right, Toramaru?”

“Yeah, Doctor Afuro is right,” then he stops, his face lighting up like he just remembered something, “Do you have a ride home, Doctor Gouenji?”

Shuuya’s brain is fuzzy right now, but he’s pretty sure he doesn’t have a ride home (usually it’s Natsumi who gives him a ride, just because she always stays late at the hospital and it’s convenient to Shuuya, so he doesn’t have to take the bus. And sometimes Yuuka comes and picks him up).

“His ride home it’s me. Let’s go, Gouenji,” Nosaka gets out of the break room with his suit’s jacket on his arm.

“Nosaka?” he asks, confused.

“Yes?”

“Why?”

“You live on the way. I’m leaving. It’s only logical,” his smile is almost empty as his eyes, but Shuuya nods.

“Sure, I’ll go change.”

“You should. You have blood on your coat.”

That’s the last thing Nosaka says to him. They don’t talk for the whole ride home.

Shuuya enjoys the silence only disturbed by Nosaka’s terrible taste in music. At least, Shuuya’s brain can act on panic or anxiety because it’s too focused on trying to figure out how Nosaka enjoys this noise.

“Thank you,” he says after getting out of Nosaka’s car, “You didn’t have to do it.”

“True, but I wanted to. See you tomorrow,” and he drives off before Shuuya can wish him good night or something like that.

Shuuya watches him go.

He opens the zip of his backpack to search for his house’s keys, only to struggle because of his big ass books about heart diseases and whatever else he has in it. He finds them after five minutes.

Shuuya is inside his house for the first time in ten hours. He feels the day crushing on him, hard. Everything that happened just piling up and up on his shoulders. Shuuya’s legs give in and he slides against the door, butt hitting the cold floor. He hides his face behind his knees.

Lizzie is next to him in a few seconds, but he doesn’t have the strength to pet her.

He tells her he’s sorry.

The worst thing is that this place doesn’t feel like home at all. Everything is cold, and Shuuya hates the cold, the only warm thing being Lizzie’s fur against his skin.

His place feels like a stranger’s place, white walls judging him. He felt more at home—more at home in a hospital room, with Endou’s hand intertwined in his. And Shuuya used to hate the hospital, too, wanting to run away from it as soon as possible. But now he feels different about it.

His place is too cold.

It’s about to be November and winter is coming, and Shuuya has to deal with that too.

He falls asleep, back against the door, thoughts about death, blood, cold and pretty boys with warm hands and cheeks full of freckles in his mind.

His back it’s killing him. Of course, it is.

Shuuya groans. Fuyuka hands him a pack of painkillers. Shuuya can’t say thanks because she leaves him alone at the nurse station to talk to a patient’s guardian.

He takes one pill and he hopes for the best, since Toramaru is walking towards him with intention.

“So?” Shuuya asks, joining him in his walk.

“We transferred the last victim of the car accident upstairs. We have a seven years old with a stomach ache and an elderly woman asking for her medications,” Toramaru informs him.

“Okay, let’s see the child first,” Shuuya decides.

Toramaru nods, “Yes, Doctor.”

It’s a slow morning, luckily, but maybe Shuuya will find every morning slow after yesterday. Toramaru follows him closely as he checks on patients. The seven years old is crying a lot, when they arrive, his mother holding his hands and begging the doctor to help him. Shuuya promises him that if he stops crying he will give him a candy, when he feels better. Toramaru raises an eyebrow, but Shuuya only tells him to call for Kiyama Tatsuya. 

After, Shuuya spends thirty minutes talking to the old woman about pigeons and ungrateful nephews, promising her to come visit her takoyaki shop. Since Shuuya loves takoyaki and he doesn’t like disappointing elderly women, he will for sure. She asks Toramaru too, saying they should come together since they are so kind. They agree, looking at each other with amusement.

Afuro stops him in the middle of the ER, “Can you take a look at this?” he asks, tablet in one hand.

Shuuya raises an eyebrow, but doesn’t say no, already taking the tablet from Afuro, “What am I looking at?”

“My patient’s heart.”

Shuuya walks off to the nurse counter, elbows on it to study it, “You should ask Cardiology, not me,” he comments.

It stings a bit, saying it like that, but it’s the truth.

“Aren’t you Cardiology?” Afuro gets closer to look at it too.

“Not currently,” Shuuya zooms with his fingers on the CT scan.

“It’s faster asking you, I mean, you spent three years in Cardiology anyway,” Afuro adds, “And they always seem to send down Atsuya. I prefer you.”

“Flattered. Your patient needs surgery as soon as possible. They need a bypass.”

“Thought the same. I’m sending him up, no need to have Atsuya with us.”

“Atsuya isn’t that bad,” he says as Afuro takes the tablet from his hands.

Afuro tucks a hair strand behind his ear, “You are lying.”

Shuuya chuckles, “I am, indeed.”

He knows Atsuya very well, first, because he is always with Fubuki—that’s a given, since their brothers who live in symbiosis, but where Fubuki Shirou is gentle, Atsuya is aggressive. Shirou is more timid, meanwhile Atsuya could start a fire with his eyes—and second, because they are (were) doing their residence together, up in Cardiology. Well, Shuuya was before his unprompted break. Atsuya is still up, Hitomiko going crazy after him, probably, but Atsuya is a good surgeon, contrary to Shuuya who can’t hold a scalpel for the love of God.

“See, it’s not only me. Thank you, by the way.”

“It was nothing,” Shuuya murmurs as Afuro leaves him.

He sighs and he looks around. The ER is full of life, Nosaka giving a candy to a child here with his sick mom, Nishikage mending a man with a superficial wound, Professor Kudou walking around, Fuyuka next to him, Toramaru behind them, Afuro talking to his patient.

_What do you want?_

Professor Kudou’s words come back to him.

_What do you want?_

“Doctor Gouenji,” Umihara calls for him.

Shuuya snaps out of it. But he knows. He wants to stay.

He just can’t.

Shuuya mulls it over his realization at lunch, in front of him there is a sad sandwich (Aki is out, being her free day) and a cold soda. He wants to stay in the ER, he can’t stay in the ER, he has to come back to Cardiology, but he doesn’t want to go back there because he wants to stay where he is.

The problem is he didn’t have the courage to tell his father that he got momentarily transferred to ER, how can he say to him he doesn’t want to go back there, ever? He doesn’t want to be a surgeon, either. How can he say that to him? Hitomiko could say it to his father, if she wants to. Shuuya doesn’t think Professor Kira wants him back, actually. She doesn’t need a resident who can’t operate, she needs someone fit for this job, and Shuuya isn’t fit for it. He gets that, now. ER, instead, it’s something he can do. And he actually… likes it. He doesn’t feel he wasted years pursuing a career he didn’t like when he is the ER.

ER is better than Cardiology because the people are different and they make Shuuya… belong. All of them, even Nosaka Yuuma.

Fuyuka appears in front of him, “Doctor, do you mind?” she asks, trey between her hands, looking at the seat in front of Shuuya.

Shuuya shakes his head, “Of course not,” he smiles.

Fuyuka smiles back.

She sits and she carefully puts a big napkin all over her nurse uniform, white as clouds.

“Usually,” she starts, fork between her fingers, “I have lunch with my dad, but he is busy with a conference about a VIP surgery and I have to wait for my brother to come. I hope I’m not bothering you.”

“You are not bothering me,” he clarifies once again, “But I didn’t know you had a brother.”

Fuyuka giggles, “It’s complicated… Aki is… oh, here he is! Aki!”

Shuuya mumbles to himself, “Aki?” but Fuyuka doesn’t seem like she heard him.

It’s not like it’s his business, so he goes back to eating his lunch, even if he doesn’t feel too hungry, thinking about his future, his father and, surprisingly enough, Kazemaru coming back today to see Endou after almost three weeks of no showing. It’s not Shuuya's place to judge, but Kazemaru put himself as guardian for Endou, so maybe he shouldn’t have left him alone for that long knowing Endou’s personal history with hospitals and doctors. Kazemaru is a good guy, Shuuya knows it, and he cares about Endou, but Shuuya thinks about the fact that his boyfriend is locked away in the hospital and his only contact with him it’s his, now, ex-Doctor. If Shuuya was Endou’s boyfriend, he would never have left him alone.

But Shuuya isn’t Endou’s boyfriend.

What was that thought? This isn’t something he should think about. There is no reason to think about that. Endou is fun, yes, kind and easy to hang around, but there isn’t more than that. He’s very cute, also, but that’s not important. Shuuya feels more himself when he is with him, sure, but doesn’t mean anything. Right?

Right.

He feels a presence beside him. Someone is next to their table. Shuuya looks up, and he is met with unamused blue-grey eyes framed by strong black eyeliner, an arched eyebrow and a head full of wild brown hair.

“Aki, hey,” Fuyuka gets up to hug the guy who Shuuya finds more fitting for a prison ward than being Fuyuka’s brother because Fuyuka is the most delicate person he knows and this man looks like he spent the last five months in a cave. 

“Fuyuka,” he greets her back, but he doesn’t reciprocate the hug, “Who this?” he asks, instead.

“Oh, this is Doctor Gouenji, we both work in the ER,” she signs him to sit beside her, then she looks around like she is trying to find someone else.

“Doctor Gouenji?” _Aki_ says Shuuya’s name like he knows it, meaning this isn’t the first time he hears it.

“It’s me,” Shuuya decides to talk, “Nice to meet you, Aki.”

The expression on Aki’s face it’s an affronted one and “Don’t call me that. My name is Fudou Akio.”

Shuuya widens his eyes, “Fudou Akio?”

“Yeah, I know about you, I’m K—”

“Kidou’s ex?”

Now, it’s Fudou’s turn to be shocked, “You are _that_ Gouenji Shuuya?”

“And you are _that_ Fudou Akio?” he retaliates.

“How many Fudou Akio do you know that dated that fucker?”

Shuuya feels the irritation kicking in, “Don’t call Kidou that.”

Fudou laughs dangerously, but before he can reply or Fuyuka (who watched them like they are playing a tennis game) can say anything to make them stop, another voice interjects their conversation, “Fudou, cut it out.”

Shuuya knows that voice. It’s Kazemaru Ichirouta. The three of them turn in his direction, and he has both of his hands on his hips. He is only looking at Fudou. Fudou just snorts and then he steals a piece of his sister’s meal. She slaps his hand and he whines.

“I’m sorry about him,” Kazemaru adds as he takes the free spot next to Shuuya, “He doesn’t know how to behave, he’s like an untrained dog.”

Fudou almost hits Kazemaru with a piece of bread, but a look from Kazemaru stops him, “I’m here, asshole.”

“I know, this is why I’m explaining myself,” Kazemaru sighs, taking out something from his beg.

A bottle of pills.

At Shuuya’s confusion, Fudou laughs, “He takes anti-acids for anything. He treats them like they are candies.”

“I believe you can understand why,” Kazemaru simply says.

Shuuya nods, “I get it.”

Fudou slams his back against his chair, crossing his arms.

Fuyuka giggles, then she looks at both Fudou and Kazemaru, “How was your holiday?”

“I thought I was going to die there,” Fudou closes his eyes, then he moves to rest his forehead on his sister’s shoulder, “The only thing that kept me going was you, Fuyuka. Kazemaru’s mom was about to murder me, at some point.”

Fuyuka giggles, redness on her cheeks as she slaps her brother’s (they don’t look alike and they don’t share the family name, Shuuya thinks) arm.

“You brought it to yourself,” Kazemaru bites back, then he turns to face Fuyuka, “He wanted to watch the soccer match when it was time for her _telenovela_ . Fudou knows really well how my mom is with _telenovela_ s.”

“It was just an episode! She could’ve understood the entire storyline without that episode. And Don Antonio’s son already cheated on his wife like five times. It wasn’t a real plot twist. Right, Fuyuka?” he fights Kazemaru with a neutral tone and a closed eye.

Fuyuka gives her brother a side look, “Aki, it’s an old woman.”

“She’s more of a witch, if you want my opinion.”

“We don’t want your opinion,” Kazemaru ends the argument, the palm of his hand hitting the table with a smack.

Fudou groans, “Okay, be difficult or whatever. I don’t care. I’m going to smoke,” he gets up and Shuuya notices that his arms are full of tattoos, but they are covered, so he can’t really see what Fudou has inked on his skin, “Where is your dad?” he asks Fuyuka before leaving.

“Conference, but he will be done soon. Can you wait?”

Fudou glances at Kazemaru in a silent question.

Kazemaru replies without losing his irritation, “I have to catch-up with Endou, anyway.”

Fuyuka arches an eyebrow, but Fudou shrugs and he leaves, a cigarette already between his fingers and the other hand in the pocket of his green cardigan.

Everything about this is a little bit weird, Shuuya knows Endou is connected to every person in his life, right now, but this is getting a little bit crazy. Fudou Akio is Fuyuka’s brother? Fudou Akio? Shuuya doesn’t get it. And he seems pretty close with Kazemaru, too, even if now they are fighting for whatever reason Shuuya isn’t interested in.

He turns to ask Kazemaru, but Shuuya notes how Kazemaru’s eyes follow Fudou, and when he disappears from their view, he coughs, “I asked about Endou. They say he is Orthopedics.”

Shuuya’s mind stops thinking about Fudou Akio (his best friend’s ex, his first and last significant other before Kidou came out as aroace. Shuuya still remembers his tears because he broke this guy’s heart, saying how he was broken—he wasn’t—and how he couldn’t love. Shuuya knows it wasn’t nobody’s fault if their relationship ended that way, but he knows how Fudou behaved after that, and that it’s pretty much his fault. It wasn’t pretty, and even if Kidou says they are fine now, they are somewhat friends, Shuuya stills remembers Kidou’s eyes full of pain because of him) and starts thinking about Endou Mamoru. Kazemaru’s boyfriend, his brain supplies.

“Yes, he’s there right now. Since you left and we didn’t have anyone else to contact we couldn’t discharge him before, but now you are here so we could speed up the process.”

Kazemaru takes what Shuuya said in, “I apologize for that.”

Shuuya feels a little bit guilty, maybe his choice of wording was too cold, “Don’t worry, I wasn’t accusing you or anything. You should go up and see him. Visiting hour is in half an hour, right, Nurse Kudou?”

Fuyuka agrees, then she purses her lips, “But you could go with Doctor Gouenji. They will let you in if you are with him.”

“I’m not his doctor anymore,” Shuuya tries, “You know I can’t…”

“Sure, but you were there for like three weeks every day, they are going to make an exception for you,” Fuyuka points out.

The truth is, Shuuya doesn’t want to go with Kazemaru and see him and Endou together. He doesn’t know why, he just doesn’t want to get up and get… hurt. Is this jealousy? Why is he jealous? He isn’t supposed to be jealous of his patient’s boyfriend.

“Can you come with me?” Kazemaru asks, fingers fidgeting with his pill holder cap.

Shuuya should say no. He still has to finish his lunch and he could say his shift starts in like five minutes and he still has to talk to a patient about her gastroscopy. He should say no. He needs to say no. But he doesn’t say no, because in the end he’s just a masochist who likes to suffer. Shuuya has the capability to cause himself unnecessary pain, denying himself things, people, feelings and always remembering to himself how he is undeserving son of a bitch. He likes to remember himself what he can’t have. This is why he’s going to have to say yes.

He doesn’t know why he is thinking like this.

Endou isn’t… he…

“Yes, sure. Let’s go now,” he stands up, his boots hitting the floor with too much force as he walks out to the elevator. He already called for it when Kazemaru joins him.

“Are you okay?” Kazemaru questions him, a little bit of worry in his tone.

Shuuya hopes Kazemaru doesn't see how he closes his eyes as his answer, “Totally, just tired.”

Kazemaru keeps quiet.

They get inside the elevator and it’s empty for the first time in days. Shuuya hates it. He is with someone who wants to ask him questions, he can physically feel Kazemaru trying not to voice his thoughts.

“I heard about your conversation with Fudou about Kidou,” he speaks after the elevator starts to go up, “You and Kidou are close friends, right?”

Shuuya hums, “Since middle school,” he leans against the elevator’s wall, hands in his coat’s pocket.

Kazemaru crosses his arms, “He didn’t tell us about you. Well, he mentioned you once in a while, but always… in a not personal way.”

“Us?”

“Me, Endou… I guess Fudou knew, though, about how close you are.”

“If it’s of any consolation, Kidou didn’t tell me about you either. Only about Fudou,” Shuuya snickers, “Asshole.”

“He got hurt too after that,” Kazemaru whispers, in a defensive tone, not for him, but for Fudou, “It was hard for him.”

Shuuya knows Kazemaru means well, and he is also aware about the fact that Kazemaru probably knows Fudou well and Shuuya only knows about him through Kidou and about what he said about Fudou.

“I’m not saying that,” Shuuya settles for a neutral response, “But he was an asshole after their break up.”

“He was,” Kazemaru agrees, “It was the pain. It was his first love. I’m not trying to justify him. It’s just… Fudou… let’s say he doesn’t have the best copying mechanism. But now they are good. He’s good. They are close friends.”

Shuuya hates to admit he doesn’t know this, Kidou never telling him how he and Fudou get over everything that happened between them. Kidou is trying to get better, of course, but it’s hard to change your hold habits, Shuuya knows it too well, but Kazemaru is sure more aware of everything and Shuuya is still holding a grudge for something that happened when they were sixteen years old. He hates it, not being in the loop, not knowing Kidou’s friends, not knowing everything about Kidou, full stop.

Shuuya clicks his tongue, “Why are you telling me this?”

Kazemaru smiles, “Well, we are going to spend time together now. As friends,” he tucks a blue strand of hair behind his ear, “It’s only normal that I want you the air clear between you and Aki.”

Shuuya’s heart skips a beat, “Why is that?”

Kazemaru chuckles, “You are the type of person Endou likes the most. This means he already decided that you are his friend. It only means we are going to be friends, too.”

“You sound too sure,” Shuuya weakly rebuts, and Kazemaru smiles bigger.

“Oh, because I am. I have known Endou since kindergarten. I know how he works very well,” the elevator dings, stopping on the Orthopedics floor.

Shuuya exits before Kazemaru, doing the best he can to drop the conversation. As he walks into the department and towards Endou’s room, Shuuya tells his brain and his heart to shut the fuck up. 

Endou is reading. He’s always in the middle of reading every time Shuuya goes to check on him or just go up to his room to talk (Shuuya actually asked Endou why he didn’t finish the book in the first week post-surgery, and in response, Endou blushed, reminding Shuuya that he was a slow, really slow, reader and he took his time. Shuuya had smiled telling Endou that it wasn’t a problem and he could keep his book as long as he wanted).

Endou raises his head and his eyes shine bright when he sees Kazemaru for the first time in ages. Shuuya feels a little pang to his heart, but he decides to ignore it, like he always does when he finds himself in a problematic situation: if he doesn’t think about it, it will go away, eventually, probably, maybe not, but it’s a nice thought.

“Kazemaru!”

“Endou,” Kazemaru takes two big steps and he’s next to Endou’s bed in no time, “how are you?”

“I’m fine, I’m fine,” he is smiling so big, his cheeks probably hurting.

Kazemaru studies him, his eyes first on his cast (full of doodles, and Shuuya thinks there are new ones) and then on the little band aid with little kitties—Endou choose it after Shuuya begged Tatsuya from the Pediatrics Department for one, it was not the highest moment in his career, but Endou asked for it after Shuuya removed his stitches—and decides that, yes, Endou is alright.

“Good,” Kazemaru sighs, closing his eyes. He touches his eyes with his fingers, pressing into his eyeball.

Shuuya watches him carefully as Endou takes his wrist into his hand, “Sit, will you?”

Kazemaru chuckles, “Okay.”

Endou shakes his head as he moves to make some space for the other one, “You could’ve at least slept a few hours before coming here.”

Kazemaru sits next to him, “No time. I had to come here to give your phone and see with my eyes you weren’t dead. Not that I didn’t trust you, Doctor.”

Shuuya remembers he still is in the room with them, so he coughs, without replying, just standing awkwardly in the back. Endou looks at him with big round eyes and Shuuya tries to avoid him.

“Aki and Fuyuka too. And of course Kidou, but you know,” Kazemaru continues without even noticing Shuuya and Endou shared a look, “I had to see with my eyes.”

Endou smiles, patting his hand, “I’m pretty much alive, so stop worrying will you? I already have Kidou fussing over me, and Gouenji there as well is doing his share of checking on me. I don’t need you too,” he jokes, but he looks very happy to have Kazemaru back with him, even with his worried antics. 

“Oh, look at him having a new friend, now he doesn’t me anymore.”

“I didn’t say that, right, Gouenji?”

“Yeah, he didn’t,” Shuuya gives his weak input.

He wants to leave so bad because he feels… awful, let’s say. His back is still hurting despite the painkillers and whatever is going on his ribcage needs to stop. Shuuya is a doctor and he is well aware he isn’t having a heart attack, but he sure feels like it.

For a moment, Endou’s eyes are on him and the expression on Endou’s face changes from amusement to worry, but it’s just a second, and he’s back with a smile on his lips. At Kazemaru.

Shuuya needs to go. Right now.

“Kazemaru, Endou,” he looks at his wristwatch without even reading the time, “I have to go. It was nice to see you again, Kazemaru. Endou, I’ll see you…” he stops, hand on the door handle, “I’ll see you when I see you.”

He doesn’t hear what Endou says in response.

Shuuya has to go to work, he is well aware of that. This is why he runs up on the staircase until the last floor, where Natsumi’s office is.

He doesn’t have to bother to knock.

Natsumi is reading something on her computer, her lunch open in front of her (probably Aki’s homemade lunch pack) when he opens her door with laboured breathing.

“Gouenji?” she asks, concern slipping in her voice—Shuuya hates himself, because this is his fault, he isn’t supposed to behave like this at twenty-eight years old, troubling his friends.

“It’s me,” he tries to fix the situation with humour, but it doesn’t work, Natsumi already up on her heels.

“Are you having a panic attack?”

“No,” he breathes in and breathes out, “I ran.”

He knows why Natsumi is asking, and he understands. The last time something similar happened, Natsumi had to hold him to calm him down, whispering words of comfort in his ear as his capability to breath came back. 

Now, she looks more relaxed, “Okay. Then what’s going on?”

Shuuya sits on one of the white cream couches in Natsumi’s office, “I don’t know,” he says.

“What do you mean with that _I don’t know_?”

“Look,” Shuuya runs his hand through his hair, “I… I… think I fucked up?”

“What did you do?” Natsumi is now on her knees and Shuuya knows she is thinking about every possible scenario in her mind.

“I didn’t kill anyone,” he whispers and he hears Natsumi sighs in relief, “Wait, you really thought I killed someone?”

“I was more worried about a medical malpractice lawsuit,” she clarifies as she gets up to sit next to him, putting her arm around him, “Tell me.”

Shuuya relaxes in the hug, organizing his thoughts, and every single one of them is about Endou Mamoru. Shuuya needs to figure out why and the only thing his brain suggested was talking with Natsumi. He can’t talk about Endou with Kidou, but he can talk about him with Natsumi, but Natsumi is his boss, so he needs to put in words what he can’t put in his words, because if she misunderstands he doesn’t know what she is going to do.

“I… I was with Endou.”

Natsumi tightens her hold, “Mmh.”

“His boyfriend Kazemaru was there, too.”

“Boyfriend?”

“Yeah. Or they look like boyfriends to me. Well, they are something.”

“What about that?”

“My… I think… shit. I don’t know, my heart was about to kill me.”

“Your heart?”

“Yes,” Shuuya answers, “My heart.”

“Gouenji,” she sounds threatening.

Oh no.

“You have a crush,” Natsumi continues.

He does not, “I don’t.”

“You do,” Natsumi untangles herself for their hug, “You do!”

“I don’t! This is why I’m here! I need to figure out what’s going on!”

Natsumi arches her eyebrow, then she crosses her arms, “Okay, prove it to me. Tell me how you feel when you are with Endou! Go!”

Shuuya thinks about running away, maybe this wasn’t the best choice he ever made, but then… Natsumi knows where he lives and she knows everything about him, so running isn’t really a choice to contemplate.

“Okay. I… I like spending time with him, okay? He’s easy to be around as much as he's ridiculous. He’s fun, he makes me laugh, I guess? All he talks about is soccer and his students, though, and sometimes he will tell me about how people in ancient times used soccer to make important decisions. Absolutely ridiculous, but he is so sure about these stupid random facts. Once, he told me Joan of Arc played as a defender in her soccer team. He also knows every constellation in the sky because he used to go camping with his father and grandfather, something I never did, so he explained to me everything about it. He… he’s nice, he always tries to make me feel better even if technically I was his doctor and make him feel better it’s kind of my job. And he likes Jane Austen, so we talk about books a lot, and it’s… something I enjoy, you know that,” Shuuya finds himself with a little smile on his lips.

Natsumi keeps quiet.

Shuuya looks at her.

“Oh,” he says.

_Oh._

“Yes,” Natsumi whispers.

Shuuya lays with his back against the couch, “Shit.”

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

Shuuya feels his heart catch fire as he breathes. The realization hitting him like an avalanche.

He has a crush. He does have a crush. He has a crush on Endou. How is this possible? How did it happen? It wasn’t supposed to happen. But, it did. How? His mind supplies with a _How not_? Right, how now? Endou is… Endou, and Shuuya feels on fire just thinking about him.

Natsumi touches him again, fingertips caressing his hand.

“I have a crush on Endou,” he admits, out loud, and Natsumi hums.

She warned him about this, she told him about this, but Shuuya has the ability to dismiss her even if she is always right. And look at him, now, on her couch trying to survive after figuring out his feelings for a patient.

Oh, he’s a patient. A taken patient, because he has a boyfriend who cares about him, and probably it’s mentally stable, not like Shuuya.

He gets up, starting to walk in circles in Natsumi’s office.

“You are going to ruin my new carpet,” she chides him, but he doesn’t stop.

“What am I going to do?” Shuuya asks, instead.

Natsumi crosses her legs, her gold anklet catching the light as she moves, “What you want to do?”

“I can’t do anything, right?”

Natsumi doesn’t respond.

“Natsumi,” he begs her.

“I can’t tell you what to do. One,” she puts up her index finger, “It’s your life, and two, you never listen to me anyway, so I stopped trying all together,” she has her other finger up, making a V with her right hand.

“I—” Shuuya tucks his hair behind his ears, “I’m not going to do anything.”

“Do you really think it’s the right decision?”

“It’s the only decision I can make. I’m his doctor, and he has a boyfriend. I don’t… I don’t think I can do anything else.”

Natsumi is about to tell him something when his pager goes off.

“There is an emergency in the ER, shit, I have to go!” and he’s running away.

Shuuya ignores his problems. He ignores his father’s calls, he ignores his sister’s texts, he ignores his stupid, useless and not welcomed crush on Endou, ignoring Endou as a proxy. He doesn’t visit him anymore, trying to put some distance between them, so he can overcome this thing without going through heartbreak.

He hides between stupid excuses when Hiura comes looking for him because Endou asked for him, when Kidou calls because he wants to see him, when Natsumi stops in the cafeteria, worried.

He puts himself in his work. Something he should’ve done from the beginning. He takes more shifts his body can take, but it’s okay, because when he is working hard at least he doesn’t think about anything he doesn’t want to think.

Like this, he spends a week, his eyebags are darker than ever and he knows he’s losing hair because of the stress, but he’s doing fine because he’s too tired. He did it, he tricked his brain and his heart.

He’s coming back from a conference with Professor Kudou when Urabe stops him in the corridor, “Oi, Gouenji.”

“Urabe,” he greets.

She eyes him up and down, “Do you know about Endou?”

Shuuya uses every inch of his self-control to not make any kind of expression, “What about him?”

“We discharged him yesterday,” she answers, “He wanted to say goodbye and thank you, but you didn’t show up.”

Shuuya grimaces, “I’m busy, these days.”

Urabe puts her hand in her coat pocket, “You look busy.”

Shuuya takes a step to leave, but Urabe stops him, her arm hitting his chest, before he can even touch the floor with his shoe, “He really likes you.”

Shuuya sighs, “I have to go.”

Urabe moves to let him pass, “Think about what I say.”

He doesn’t answer.

Shuuya feels like shit, pretty much. This isn’t going well. _This_ being is his life. It isn’t really going well. Nothing about it is going well. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. He can’t sleep, but if he doesn’t sleep he can’t work because he needs to be reactive. He struggles with eating and he has to force himself to get out of bed and shower. The fear of being a disappointment to his family and his friends is the only thing that motivates him enough to do what he has to do.

Shuuya feels like he’s stuck under gallons and gallons of water and he’s going to drown soon, if he doesn’t do anything, because he doesn’t have the strength to swim up, he really doesn’t.

He spends his day off laying on the floor, looking at his white ceiling, without moving, Lizzie sleeping on his chest. He doesn’t close his eyes, he knows it’s useless, he is not going to fall asleep.

Shuuya thinks about how he ended up like this. What happened to him? This isn’t because he had an unrequited crush, of course. That’s just the tip of the iceberg and he can’t stop thinking about how much he was an asshole, ignoring Endou when he didn’t deserve it, because it wasn’t his fault Shuuya feels the way he feels. But Shuuya is used to hide, to punish himself. He is punishing himself for his crush on Endou. He is punishing himself because he can’t be what his father wants. He is punishing himself because he is a bad brother and a bad friend. He is punishing himself because he doesn’t deserve to be a doctor. He is punishing himself because he doesn’t have anything else better to do. He is punishing himself because he is used to it, he is accustomed to it, he is the only thing he can do. Shuuya doesn’t know how to fix this—how to fix himself, without hurting someone else. He can’t talk to Yuuka, she doesn’t deserve this, Shuuya has to protect her, not hurt her with his nonsense. He can’t talk to Kidou or Natsumi because they are going to be worried sick and he can’t allow it. He doesn’t have anyone. His father is out of the equation, of course, he doesn’t have to say it.

He is alone in this, his mind, in the personal hell he created, where everything is upside down. And he doesn’t know how to get out of this thing. He is living in a cage and he can’t find the key. He can’t find the door.

It would be so easy to close his eyes and go to sleep, forever. The thought scares him. The fact he can imagine how life would be for other people if he wasn’t there. The way his brain suggests to him they would be better without him. And he knows this isn’t what he wants. He wants to spend Sundays with Yuuka, watch her paint or go to see one of her art shows. He wants to eat Kidou’s food that he cooked specifically for him just because he can do it and he will spoil him, if he can. He wants to drink tea with Natsumi in her living room and he wants to laugh with her as she tells him about their old high-school friend she saw on Inabook two days ago. He wants to hear Endou talking about his students and teaching him with onomatopoeias about how to set up a camping tent and how to stop a shoot with both of his hands. He wants to be there, he wants to breathe, he wants to live, he doesn’t want to die, but he is so tired of everything, if he could just… disappear.

The terror of this thought shakes him to the core. He gets up, fast, head spinning, Lizzie meowing in protest.

No. This isn’t right. No. He can’t live like this, but he doesn’t want to die either. He doesn’t know how to fix it, but he can find someone who can help him fix the mess inside his brain.

It took him eight years of deteriorating mental health to find the courage to admit he needs help, _professional_ help. As he comes to this realization, he doesn’t feel weak. He is trying to survive here, and he needs someone to put him on the right path. He was so scared to look weak to other people eyes, that he put himself through hell.

He knows what to do. He knows Kidou saved the number of a psychologist in Shuuya’s phone when he wasn’t looking.

Shuuya spends the next hour looking for his phone. Of course, it’s dead. He charges it and instead of waiting, he decides to take a shower.

He is on the floor again, his Snufkin mug full of tea. Lizzie is sleeping on the rug next to him. He pets her as he unlocks his phone.

Shuuya takes a deep breath. He needs to do this. For himself, more than everything, but he thinks about Yuuka and her smile, Kidou hugging him in the airport as a last goodbye, Natsumi holding his hand in Berlin, Endou’s tears as he tells Shuuya about his accident.

He clicks on Doctor Hibiki, Psychologist and he calls him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we are almost halfway through this monster... i’m slowly rereading and fixing all of it and it’s kind of hard but!!!!!!! we are trying and it’s working!! i dont know when it will be the next update and i rlly hope you are enjoying the story as much im enjoying writing about it. also this part is kind of short but it’s the end of an important arc in shuuya’s life :P also stream his webcomic on manga5 pls. luckily the heavy part is almost done and i PROMISE things will be better after this.


	3. part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this chap... fluff, i guess. and tw for minors kind of buying alcohol.

Shuuya spends the next two weeks _trying_. 

He doesn’t know _what_ he is trying, really, but he’s doing it somehow. He’s trying his best to survive, he could say. He still ignores his father, but he replies to his sister’s texts, promising Yuuka to take her out to eat dinner together for the first time in months. He has to figure out how to fix the mess he made with Endou and the way to explain to Natsumi how sorry he is and how everything he did was unprofessional and wrong and _please don’t kick me out and please speak to me again, I can’t do it without you_. Also, Kidou asked him to go out with him and his friends—Shuuya is trying.

Shuuya is trying and he never tried this hard in ten years.

His second session with Doctor Hibiki is in two days (the first one was a mess—to Shuuya—and a success—to Doctor Hibiki—because he cried for an hour without speaking, just nodding and blowing his nose, but in the end Shuuya got candy out of it, so who’s the winner here) when he spots Endou entering the ER, alone, two crutches and an ankle brace with his no more white cast under it.

Shuuya almost has a heart attack when he sees him, scared Endou did hurt himself once again, but with a glance Shuuya knows he’s fine, the smile on his lips a pretty giveaway. Well, as fine as you can be walking around with crutches.

Endou is wearing dark green overalls and an orange bomber jacket that makes him look like a big street sign. Endou looks like he’s searching for something—someone. Shuuya hopes it’s not him, because, yes, he’s trying, but it’s not ready to try that hard, he is used to saying sorry, but properly apologize is a new level his therapist wants him to unlock. 

Shuuya isn’t hiding, mind you, but he tries to make himself look smaller behind the patient he’s tending, but since she is a sweet old lady, not more than 1.50cm tall, Shuuya is struggling.

“Are you okay, Doctor?” she asks, wrinkles deepening as she smiles.

“I’m alright…” he breathes, still crouching a little, but in vain, stupid long legs and blonde hair.

“Gouenji!” Endou catches him and he starts walking towards Shuuya’s direction, slowly, having difficulties using his crutches. He is slow, but Shuuya can’t run away, not now. Not from spiky brown hair, stupid orange headband, cheeks full because of much he’s smiling, freckles dancing on his skin. 

Shuuya missed him.

Shit.

“Looks like your friend came to see you,” his patient muses and Shuuya groans, making her laugh.

“I’m done, Miss Nakamura, you can go to Nurse Kudou,” he changes the subject, closing her bandages, “Please, be careful when you are cooking, next time.”

“I was a little distracted, no need to fuss me over like this, young man,” she chides Shuuya, but there is amusement in her eyes when she leaves him with a wink.

He shakes his head and gets up, but before he can move on into the next patient, a young lady with a knife cut from another cooking incident, Endou is in front of him, blocking his way out. 

Well. 

Better sooner than later, right?

“Gouenji, hey,” he greets Shuuya with his biggest smile and Shuuya wants to cry because he missed him so much, too much maybe. And this is too soon, he wasn’t ready to face Endou so soon. 

He feels full of good feelings and bad feelings. The good feelings are because Endou is Endou and he doesn’t look angry or disappointed in Shuuya (which it’s strange, he is supposed to be angry and disappointed in Shuuya), but he looks happy to see him, almost _too_ happy, like a puppy when their owner comes back. Or like Yuuka when Shuuya makes her takoyaki. Or when Shuuya pets Lizzie for three hours after being absent for an entire day. It makes Shuuya’s heart grow big in his chest. But the bad feelings are always hiding, ready to attack everything good, a little voice in his head whispering _you don’t deserve this_.

“Endou,” Shuuya says, eyeing Toramaru coming in his direction, “How can I help you?”

“Cold, aren’t you?” Endou comments, tilting his head to one side, tongue between his lips. 

Toramaru arches an eyebrow.

Shuuya’s heart beats a little more faster, but he doesn’t know how to answer him because Endou is right. He is being cold, even if he wanted to be professional, distant, not only because he is supposed to be, as a doctor, but also because he hurt Endou, he thinks, he ignored him and he doesn’t deserve Endou’s friendship. But also, Endou doesn’t deserve it, never deserved anything like this, but he doesn’t look hurt or angry, and Shuuya knows he is falling like Newton’s apple, and he needs to protect himself, somehow, and the only way was ignoring Endou Mamoru, hoping to make it work. 

It didn’t work and Shuuya has to decide, now.

How can Shuuya protect himself from getting hurt and not falling in love with Endou, with his smile, with how his eyes shine and his freckles that could be a constellation on their own? How can Shuuya go on with their friendship without developing the want to kiss him senseless? How can he survive this? He could try, he tells himself, maybe this crush is a fluke, maybe this crush isn’t really a crush, it’s just Shuuya isn’t used to making new friends. It’s just Shuuya not used to people like Endou.

He should ask himself if he wants to lose Endou because of this. He should ask himself if his life is better with or without Endou. He should ask himself if he wants Endou to be his life.

Shuuya finds the answer easy. He wants Endou in his life, even if it hurts. He’s used to getting hurt, he says. It's a normal routine for him.

Endou ignites him the fire he thought he lost forever years ago. And it’s weird, but he starts to think that meeting Endou was fate.

He gives in.

He notices Toramaru taking a step back, going back to the nurse counter.

“Sorry about this,” and as he says it, a little apologetic smile on his lips, he believes it (it’s the first time he says sorry because he means it and not because it’s expected from him) and Shuuya feels a little bit lighter inside, “I’m a bit tired. What are you doing here?”

Endou’s eyes shine a little bit brighter noticing Shuuya’s change of attitude. Shuuya opens up a little, because he wants Endou as his friend. A friend, he finds it enough, he needs more friends, anyway.

Who cares if he gets hurt? The way Endou smiles is worth it, more than everything else. And if Shuuya thinks about it, he isn’t really in the place to have a relationship. It will pass, he tells himself, it will and they are going to be friends, like they are supposed to be. It’s only right, Shuuya thinks, they are kind of destined to be friends, just thinking about how everything in their life interconnects.

“I have to take the cast off,” Endou answers, “Then I have to meet my physiotherapist. I thought I’d come to say hi since…” he stops, resting his elbow against his crutches to scratch his head, “Since we… it’s been a while,” and Shuuya notices the faint blush on his cheeks.

Shuuya sighs. “Yeah, about that. I was… busy and I hadn’t the time”, he lied because he can’t tell the truth about how he spent days thinking about how to end things.

“I imagined that being the case,” Endou comments, then he chuckles nervously, “Look, maybe this is going to sound creepy or weird or something in between since you are my doctor and all, but… do you want to come to a barbecue? It’s next weekend at my place. They want to, you know, celebrate me taking my cast off and Kidou is going to be there and I thought maybe you would want to come? You can say no!” he says, talking too fast and stumbling on his words, making Shuuya laugh softly. A tiny laugh. Just a giggle, really, but it’s a lot coming from Gouenji Shuuya, says Gouenji Shuuya himself.

He’s cute. He’s very, very cute and Shuuya feels being dragged under, but he doesn’t care.

A barbecue. How can he say no? He came into the ER just to ask him and Shuuya knows how much he doesn’t like hospitals and how he avoids being inside too long, if he can. 

“Sure, will you text me the details or I have to ask Kidou?”

Shuuya doesn't know how is possible, but Endou shines brighter than ever. He is like the sun. And Shuuya feels the pull of his magnetic force attracting him now more than ever.

“I’ll text you if you give me your number.”

“Let’s meet in the cafeteria after your appointment. Now I have to go to work,” he notices how Toramaru, Afuro, Nosaka, Fuyuka and Nishikage are standing behind the nurse station, looking at them with strange expressions on their faces, and Shuuya feels judged, but not into a bad way, and that never happened to him. 

Endou nods, then he laughs awkwardly “Okay, you are right. You work here. I’m going then, see you later!”

Shuuya waves him goodbye and he looks how he slowly walks out of the ER.

“Well, well… what we have here… a little Romeo,” Nosaka teases as Shuuya gets closer to the nurse station.

He ignores him.

“You seem like really good friends,” Afuro adds.

Shuuya unlocks his tablet and checks if Coat 5’s results came back.

“Is he your boyfriend?” Toramaru asks.

No one talks.

Shuuya knows he has his father’s eyes and they are terrifying, so are Shuuya’s. And he is now looking at Toramaru with those eyes.

Nosaka chuckles and leaves, Nishikage, being attached to his body, follows him.

Fuyuka coughs trying to hide a giggle and Afuro shakes his head, but Toramaru looks unbothered, “So, are you not going to answer?”

“I don’t think it’s none of your business,” Shuuya says, trying to sound cold and unnerving. 

Toramaru pouts, “There is no need to be this harsh! I just wanted to know you as your friend. Anyway, you have an oncoming heart attack victim. Coat 6.”

Shuuya doesn’t have the time to reply, because Toramaru is already handing him gloves.

“Do you really think we are friends?” Shuuya hopes he doesn’t sound too shaken up or needy, and it’s weird how he finds himself asking this question again, but to another person, this time a co-worker. He is too surprised when people tell him they see him as a friend. And he thinks he should stop doing that. Doctor Hibiki thinks that too.

Toramaru looks at him in disbelief, and then he smiles, “Of course, Doctor. You are my favourite here, don’t tell Doctor Afuro, though.”

“Your favourite?”

“Yes. I will be very sad when you leave,” Toramaru confesses as he looks down on his tablet, redness on his cheeks, “But don’t worry, the ER will be in safe hands. I’m here!” and Toramaru flashes Shuuya, a smile full of teeth and a thumbs up.

Shuuya laughs, heart full because of Toramaru. He still remembers the first day in the ER, with Toramaru offering him cookies and asking about the life upstairs. He was shy, and a little bit closed off because of his lack of self-confidence. But he bloomed right away, proving to be one of the best nurses in the hospital. He’s a sweet kid, he really is, and Shuuya sees him more as a little annoying brother than a friend, if he has to be honest. Shuuya is happy he had the opportunity to work with him, even if for a short period of time. He just wishes he had the possibility to stay with him, them in the ER.

“Toramaru,” he calls for him.

“Yes, Doctor?”

“You are my favourite too. So, don’t tell Fuyuka,” he winks as he gets closer to Coat 6, getting ready to receive their patient.

Toramaru laughs, hard.

Shuuya walks in the cafeteria. It’s too easy to find Endou, leaning against the counter talking with his hands, explaining something to Aki. Maybe, because he looks like a street lamp. They are laughing and next to them there is a sealed coffee. Endou has a bottle of apple juice in his hand, straw coming out of it.

“Hey,” he greets both of them and they turn to smile at him.

“You finished?” Endou asks.

“No, I have to go back,” he answers.

Endou pouts, then he sighs. “Then let’s go, no time to lose,” he picks up the sealed coffee and starts walking toward an empty table.

Shuuya arches an eyebrow in question and Aki giggles, “You heard him,” then she goes to serve an annoyed Professor she kept waiting because she was talking with Endou.

He notices how Endou is sitting, the coffee on the empty spot in front of him. Shuuya puts his hands in his coat, trying to dry them. Now, he’s sweating because he’s nervous. but at least he doesn’t feel like throwing up.

Shuuya knows this isn’t a date, but if Shuuya uses his brain just a little, he can imagine how this could be a date, if Endou didn’t have a boyfriend and Shuuya wasn’t a loser. The way Endou was already waiting for Shuuya with his order—because he knows the coffee it’s for him—, the way Endou called from him, the way he said they don’t have time to lose. Shuuya has to give Endou his number, nothing much, so there is only one reason: Endou wants to spend time with him. So bad, he doesn’t want to lose it.

“How was your visit?” Shuuya sits in front of Endou and the other one gently pushes the coffee towards him.

“Drink it or it’s going to get cold.”

“Thank you,” Shuuya picks the coffee up. It’s still hot, the way he likes it. He looks at the cup, turning it slowly, noticing someone (Aki) doodled a heart on it.

He chuckles.

Endou smiles, “It was nothing. I had to ask Aki what you like anyway, no idea. Though, you drink poison. No sugar?”

“I got used to it,” Shuuya shrugs, “And sugar ruins the taste.”

Endou scoffs, “In my opinion, it’s the opposite. Sugar fixes the taste.”

Shuuya feels insulted, “Yeah. Keep drinking your juice, baby.”

When Shuuya realizes what he said, he almost spits out his coffee. He called him baby. His heart race goes up too quickly. He tries to keep a schooled expression on, to save himself from the embarrassment, praying he didn’t blush or something. It’s okay, he called him a baby, not _baby_ , as a term of endearment, it’s not even Shuuya's preferred term of endearment. He was just making fun of him. Endou drinks juice like a child, it’s only that. There isn’t a double meaning.

Endou coughs, and if Shuuya had the courage to look at him, he would’ve noticed that Endou was blushing, “If I am baby, then what are you?”

“My sister tells me I am a fifty-six years old man stuck in a younger body.”

Endou laughs, hard. “You really act like one, I’ll give it to her.”

Shuuya tries to shake off the embarrassment, and he changes the subject, “Anyway. Here’s my number”, he slides his business card with his number and name on it (he has a lot of them, in his locker in the break room, but never on him because he doesn’t need them) and Endou pockets it, not looking at it once, “You could’ve ask Kazemaru, though.”

Endou widens his big round eyes, “Right. I could’ve. But I’m already here. Cast free!” He raises his leg to let Shuuya see, ankle wrapped into a brace for support. 

Shuuya laughs, “Keep it down, or you are going to break it again.”

“I sure hope not. I have to write on my curriculum vitae that I broke both of my ankles in twenty-eight years of life. It’s embarrassing.”

“A little embarrassing, but it’s not as rare as you think.”

“That’s what Doctor Mizukamiya said,” Endou murmurs, then he quickly adds at Shuuya’s confusion, “My physiotherapist. He’s weird, though. I went in after Doctor Someoka told me to fuck off forever out of his department and he told me he knew I was a Leo and asked my time of birth.”

Shuuya puts down his coffee, “What?”

“I don’t know my time of birth, who knows that? And when I told him he asked me to call my mom and ask her, because he couldn’t work without knowing my rising sign.”

“Did you really call your mother to ask her about your time of birth?” Shuuya asks, disbelief in his tone.

“Of course I did, he was super serious. I don’t have the time to search for a new physiotherapist and I said what’s the problem,” Endou explains most of it with his hands and a few onomatopoeias, but now Shuuya is fluent in Endou Mamoru’s language, “My mom remembers everything about my birth… with me being an only child and everything. Bang! I call her and she tells me my time of birth.”

“And?” Shuuya prompts.

“I tell Doctor Mizukamiya and he nods, then he writes something on his computer and then he looks at me, in the eyes like super super serious, and says something like it’s my Pisces raising who made me break my ankle. I’m pretty sure he mentioned Mercury and someone called Retrograde, but I was lost after these two sentences.”

Shuuya tries not to laugh out loud, but Endou chuckles with him.

“Crazy, really crazy,” Shuuya then says after a few seconds and Endou nods.

“Beside that he told me about my scheduled appointments and my to do at home exercises if you wanted to know, and how with patience and hardwork, I’ll be able to walk without my crutches and this ugly ankle thingy in a month.”

“I’m happy to hear he can be a doctor too.”

Endou clicks his tongue before picking up his juice and putting the straw between his lips, “Luckily. He is also funny, if he wants, so it’s not that bad. How was your day?”

“Not that eventful,” Shuuya answers easily, without thinking about it too much, because being with Endou is that comfortable, “I had a few patients, but nothing major.”

“Good,” Endou says, then he starts playing with his empty glass, a nervous habit Shuuya recognizes from the days they spent together in the same room.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing!” Endou exclaims, then he sighs, “It’s nothing, really, I was just… worried about you. Last time we saw each other you were…”

Shuuya did see this coming. He taps his finger on the side of his cup, still half full of coffee, waiting for Endou to finish.

“You were shaken up,” Endou exhales.

“It was a rough day,” Shuuya manages to say and then he looks around, the cafeteria full of life and people talking, doctors studying on big books and patients eating solid food after days, “Actually, it’s been a rough couple weeks. But… You know, I’m trying. To get better.”

Endou bites his bottom lip, eyes full of surprise, then he smiles, “Thank you.”

Shuuya tilts his head to one side, hair falling all over his face, “What?”

Endou giggles, “How can you see like this?” and he gets up from his chair and he leans over the table to tuck Shuuya’s hair behind his ear, “Better?” Endou asks, but he doesn’t go away, he stays, hand still lingering close to Shuuya’s face.

And he’s about to die. Shuuya is about to die. His heart is threatening to destroy his ribcage and run away from Endou. Shuuya doesn’t move, Endou does the same. They stay like this, eyes locked and Shuuya knows he is blushing and he is closer to hyperventilating more than normal, relax, try to breathe. He thinks about the breathing exercise Doctor Hibiki gave him. 

Endou smiles cheekily and he sits back down, “So?”, he prompts again.

Shuuya wants to kill him in retaillation because Endou is trying to murder him, some way. This isn’t normal. Or maybe, it is. Shuuya is not a big fan of physical contact in general, but he got used to Kidou’s hugs and Natsumi’s pats. Endou seems like a very touchy and affectionate person, perhaps this is the way he acts with all of his friends. Shuuya just hopes this isn’t the way he acts with Kazemaru, because that could be a problem. Well, it’s going to be a problem in any case, because Shuuya isn’t sure he can survive this, not this way. But his mind is set—for the first time in years—and he doesn’t want to lose this. Him.

Suck it up, heart, get used to it.

“Yeah, it’s better,” he coughs out.

Endou gives him a thumbs up, “As I was saying, I’m happy you are opening up with me. Kidou says you are a very private person. I consider you telling me these things like a personal victory.”

“It’s not like I said all my deepest secrets.”

Endou chuckles, “Baby steps, Gouenji. I can’t aspect you to tell me everything about your life in what, a month of friendship. I understand.”

“You did, though.”

“Yeah, I did,” Endou admits, resting his cheek against the back of hand, elbow on the table, juice forgotten, “I did. I trust you and I wanted to tell you, but also I have the superpower of oversharing everything about my life. I’m not good with secrets,” he laughs, “You don’t know how many surprise birthday parties I ruined.”

Shuuya, despite everything, smiles, “I can imagine.”

“Don’t feel guilty about it,” Endou adds, after a while, “It’s okay, I like being your friend without knowing everything about you.”

Shuuya crosses his arms on his chest, “It’s not like there is really something to know. I’m not an interesting person. And…” he stops and he looks elsewhere, “I like being your friend too.”

Endou jumps up in a winning pose, his crutches falling on the floor with all the motions with a loud metallic sound spreading in the cafeteria. “Yes!” he squeaks, but he’s about to lose his balance since he can’t still use one of his two feet.

“Stop that,” Shuuya is next to him in two seconds, “Do you want to break your already broken ankle?” he asks as his hands are on Endou's sides to prevent him from falling down.

Endou smiles, “I’m happy. And it’s not broken anymore. I’m recovering.”

“You can be happy sitting down,” Shuuya warns him, not unkindly.

“Okay, okay, Doctor, I’m going to behave. Here, here, I’m sitting. Just like you said, not breaking anything else.”

Shuuya shakes his head at Endou’s antics, but then his brain shortcuts and he’s patting gently Endou’s hair. Before he can say sorry for the sudden touch, Shuuya notices how Endou has his eyes closed and a content smile on his lips.

“Good boy,” Shuuya comments and Endou winks at him, tongue sticking out, but Shuuya notices the blush on his cheeks.

There is something weird behind the way Endou acts and looks at Shuuya and he doesn't know how to define it. Shuuya isn’t used to this, he never knew someone like Endou. Endou is everything Shuuya isn’t and he’s falling, he knows, he is falling hard for a man who already has a boyfriend—who loves him, cares about him deeply. But Endou doesn’t behave like he is taken around Shuuya and Shuuya is terrified. Scared, about everything is happening between them. Not only Endou has a boyfriend (who could be Shuuya’s friend), but also Endou is his patient, well, his ex-patient, but it’s never something good to be attracted to someone who was in your care, figures falling in love with said someone.

This is terrible.

Shuuya isn’t capable of letting go. Not now.

Yuuka is waiting for him out of his apartment. She is in her pink car with her pink hair and her pink shirt and he knows she is also wearing her pink shoes, because that’s who his sister is.

Finally, he is taking her out to eat. Well, it’s more like she is taking him out, since she is the one with the driver license and also the one who chose the restaurant.

“Wow, you look like crap,” Yuuka greets him.

“Thanks, you look gorgeous. Is that a new shade of pink?” he opens the car to get inside.

She is beautiful, full of life, and Shuuya would give anything to keep that expression on her face every single second of her life. She smiles at him the same way she smiled when she was seven and he was twelve: love and affection for her older, problematic brother.

Shuuya kisses her on the cheek and she giggles, “Let’s go, our reservation is in twenty minutes.”

He nods.

It was going too well. Yuuka let him pick the music to listen to while she drove them to the restaurant. That should’ve been a giveaway. But he didn’t want to think about the implications, so he ignored his brain telling him something was up.

Indeed, something was up, because when he gets inside the restaurant, Yuuka behind him, their father is already inside, cold hard look already on his face, his lips curved down, without a hint of happiness caused by seeing his children.

He turns to look at Yuuka, “Why?”

“You are ignoring him.”

“There is a reason for that, Yuuka,” he tries not to scream and not to be angry, because he knows Yuuka is doing this for him, for them. She wants to see the only family she’s got happy and together, but Shuuya can’t. Not right now. He isn’t ready (his doctor words, not his). Shuuya isn’t ready to face his father, and not with his sister in the same room as them.

Shuuya is good at hiding secrets from other people, especially from Yuuka (Shuuya mind goes to Endou’s pretty face, telling him how he couldn’t keep a secret, ever, and the thought it’s comforting in this mess) and one of them is the fucked up relationship he has with his father. He didn’t tell Yuuka, he didn’t tell Yuuka how everything was and it’s still affecting him.

He knows if he sits down at that table, that night, his father’s dark eyes on him, he will not hide. He can’t run away, either. There isn’t much he can do.

Yuuka crosses her arms, “Whatever happened, it’s going to be fine. It’s Dad.”

Shuuya grimaces, “That’s the point, Yuuka.”

“What’s the point?”

“He’s Father.”

“I don’t understand.”

“This is why you should’ve at least told me you were inviting him,” he hisses.

“It’s our father, Shuuya!”

Shuuya closes his eyes. He is a two possibility. One is faking an hospital emergency, _sorry, can’t pass it over it’s my job and I should go and save these lives, you know_. The other one is to stay and probably have a mental breakdown in the middle of a nice Italian restaurant with his sister watching him cry and his father not even bothering to ask what’s wrong.

He decides to go to the bathroom to clear his mind.

_Gouenji: 911_

_Kidou: What’s wrong_

_Gouenji: I love my sister but I think I’m going to kill her_

_Kidou: Oh no_

_Gouenji: She did it_

_Kidou: Old Man Gouenji is there too?_

_Gouenji: Yeah._

_Kidou: Fuck. Do you want me to come there? Pick you up? We can pretend you have a surgery or something_

_Gouenji: Wait_

He calls Kidou.

“Are you okay?” his best friend asks as he picks up, background noise strong. He is probably out with his—other—friends.

Shuuya is ruining his night too, apparently.

“I’m not made of glass.”

“I worry,” Kidou bites back.

“What should I do?”

“You could lie.”

“I could.”

“Wait a second,” Kidou says and Shuuya hears some sound of struggling and something like a door opening, “Okay, I’m here. I had to get out. I think Endou is about to come and check on me, though.”

“Endou?”

“Yeah, he’s at my place. We are watching a movie. I wanted to ask you too, but you told me you were going out with Yuuka.”

Shuuya rests his head against the wall, “I wish I was there instead of here.”

“I know.”

“Say hi to Endou from me.”

“I will,” and Shuuya can see without really seeing the smirk on Kidou’s lips.

“Don’t.”

“I didn’t say anything!” Kidou exclaims, “I didn’t!”

“Good. Tell me what I have to do.”

“I don’t know, Shuuya,” Kidou is serious once again, “I really don’t know. I think you should talk to your father, but let’s be real, with your sister there is not going to happen the way it should happen.”

“He’s going to ask me about work.”

“And you still didn’t tell him about your change of department.”

“Temporary change.”

“That you want to make permanent.”

Shuuya groans, “Maybe. Maybe I want to. Is that wrong?”

Kidou sighs. “I want you to do what you want. I…” Kidou stops, and Shuuya hears some whispering and footsteps.

“Endou is here,” Kidou’s voice comes back, “I’m going to put it on speaker. Is it okay?”

“Yeah, it is. Doesn’t really matter, anyway,” Shuuya gives in.

Shuuya never really talked about it with Endou, but he gave him some hints about his family situation. Endou knows Shuuya loves Yuuka to the moon and back, since he speaks of her most of the time and he usually tries to not talk about his father, if he can and when Shuuya speaks about Old Man Gouenji, he does it lightly, not going in in detail about his childhood or his relationship with him. Endou never pressed Shuuya for something more, understanding there was a situation going on, but never asking what about it. And Shuuya appreciates that. He knows Endou is trying hard, here, without asking too many questions and always trying to dim his curiosity, just because he wants Shuuya to be comfortable with him. It’s kind of nice, coming from the most extroverted person he knows. 

He catches a glimpse of himself in the bathroom mirror, the way his dark circles are more prominent (he had a weekend shift without going home once) and his hair still too long, tucked behind his ears and for once not tied up in his usual low ponytail.

“Yo,” another voice comes up on the phone and Shuuya sees himself smile in the mirror.

Disgusting, really disgusting, how this man can lift Shuuya’s mood so quickly. Lately, they are texting and talking more and more, which it’s good and bad. Endou is always telling him the most strange and weird stuff he can think about and Shuuya tries his best to keep it up with him. They don’t see each other that often, and when they do it’s always inside the hospital. Shuuya can’t wait for the barbecue at the end of the week, not only because he is going to see Endou, but also because Kidou is going to be there to hold his hand, metaphorically (he didn’t tell Kidou about his crush, but he knows Kidou suspects, always poking him with little innocent jabs) and maybe Natsumi, too. He misses Natsumi, after everything there wasn’t a lot of time to see each other and talk about it.

“Endou,” he greets back.

“Kidou looks very worried. What did you do?”

“He’s having a panic attack in the bathroom.”

“I’m not! Kidou! I’m not having a panic attack in the bathroom. And how do you know I’m in the bathroom? I didn’t tell you.”

“Oh, please, Shuuya, I know you.”

Shuuya huffs, “Yeah, okay.”

“Why are you in the bathroom?” Endou brings back the conversation on track.

“My father doesn’t know I got switched from Cardiology to the ER. He wouldn’t like it,” Shuuya closes his eyes as the truth leaves his mouth. It’s for the best, he knows he can trust Endou, but it’s still hard talking about this to someone he didn’t know for half of his life.

“Oh,” Endou says, “That’s bad. He’s there with you and your sister?”

“Yuuka invited him,” Shuuya explains.

“Bad,” Kidou adds.

“I wasn’t answering my father’s calls so she…”

Endou groans, “Okay. Bad. You weren’t expecting him.”

“I wasn’t.”

“You can’t stay in the bathroom,” Endou’s voice is soft now, “You have to get out.”

“And if I don’t want to? I’m not ready to face him.”

“It’s valid, but he is still your father. You can’t avoid him forever,” Kidou interjects.

“Right, that’s right. You will have to come clean, one day, but you don’t have to tell him tonight. You have the right to avoid talking about your work. I’m not saying you have to lie,” Endou adds, “But you have the control here, not him.”

“Not him,” Shuuya murmurs.

“You are in charge,” Kidou whispers.

“I’m in charge. You two are right. I don’t know what I’ll do without you.”

“Panic attack in the bathroom,” Kidou says.

Shuuya hears Endou hit Kidou and Kidou softly says _ouch_. He smiles.

“Get out of there, now, you are probably making it worse,” Kidou urges.

“Yeah. Try to make Yuuka happy! You wanted to go out with her so bad! Do it for her! And yourself!” Endou exclaims.

“Okay, okay. Thank you.”

“Nothing. Now me and Endou have to see this movie. What is this movie about, Endou?”

“I don’t know. I think war. Or something.”

“Or something,” Shuuya repeated.

“Or something,” Kidou says before ending the call.

He gets out of the bathroom—Kidou texts him to ask him if he did go out. He did, okay?

His father and his sister are waiting for him at their table.

Make Yuuka happy. You are in charge. He keeps Endou and Kidou voices in his mind as a reminder. He can do this. He _can_. This isn’t something he didn’t do before. He spent years having lunches and dinners with this kind of near approaching war climate. This isn’t even the worst of it, Shuuya thinks, remembering the following months after his coming out, where his father watched him eat without speaking to him. 

“I had to take a call,” he explains, “Work.”

He sits down and his father looks at him, inquisitive eyes already studying him, “Work?”

“Yeah,” he confirms, “Did you order?”

“We were waiting for you,” Yuuka gives him a menu and he smiles at her. At that, she visibly relaxes. Shuuya can’t be angry at her, it’s not her fault, since she doesn’t know what’s going on. It’s Shuuya’s fault because he always hides things from her.

He isn’t ready to share everything with her, but at least he knows what he is doing wrong.

“Oh, I would like some spaghetti,” he begins.

Shuuya can do this.

_Endou: hey_

_Endou: Gouenji_

_Endou: are you working_

_Gouenji: No, I have a night shift_

_Endou: good_

_Endou: do you want to come with me_

_Endou: I have to go grocery shopping_

_Endou: for the barbecue_

_Endou: but I’m alone_

_Endou: everyone abandoned me_

_Endou: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA_

_Endou: Kazemaru left me with a list_

_Endou: and Fudou is out to do whatever he does during the day_

_Endou: and Kidou is working_

_Endou: and I can’t go alone_

_Endou: I CAN’T WALK WITHOUT CRUTCHES,_

_Endou: I’LL GO DOWN WITH SWOSH AND BANG AND THEN I’LL DIE_

_Endou: HOW THEY THINK I WILL GET HOME_

_Endou: WITH ALL THOSE THINGS ON THE LIST_

_Endou: THERE ARE TOO MANY THINGS ON THE LIST_

_Endou: I HAVE TWO HANDS AND I NEED BOTH OF THEM TO USE THESE CRUTCHES_

_Endou: will you come or its too much to ask_

_Gouenji: What’s supermarket are we going to_

_Endou: I’m sending you my location!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

_Endou: YOU ARE AN ANGEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111_

_Gouenji: I’m not_

_Endou: my hero!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

_Endou: my saviour!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

_Endou: I love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

_Endou_ **_: Endou Mamoru is sharing his location with you_ **

_Endou: I’ll wait for you at the park next to the supermarket!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

Shuuya tries to calm himself down before entering the park. His mind is still thinking about the _I love you_ Endou texted to him. He is telling himself Endou didn’t mean it that way. It was a joke, because Endou doesn’t love him.

Not that way.

Shuuya knows Endou feels something for him, but it’s all platonic and not romantic at all. On the contrary, Shuuya will gladly hold his hand and kiss his lips, if he has the chance.

Every day, his crush on Endou gets worse and Shuuya laughs at himself and his sorry ass, what was he expecting? Endou barged in his life and he was there to stay. Shuuya falling in love with him was just the logical choice. Shuuya came to understand that Endou isn’t not only everything he isn’t, but also everything Shuuya loves, in just one person. Like, a chocolate bar after a bad day or your cat choosing you as a place to nap on. Endou is also what Shuuya needed in his life.

Endou is a force of nature, incapable of giving up, who knows what he wants and how to get it. He has the capability to change everything and everyone he touches. Endou had so much impact on everyone he knew—Shuuya included. And that’s marvellous. Endou is the sun and they are just his little planets, captured in his orbit, and everything about it makes so much sense. They are not going to leave him. Shuuya isn’t going to leave him. Endou is spectacular, remarkable, stunning, his cheeks always full because he is always smiling or eating. He enjoys every aspect of life and life enjoys every aspect of Endou.

Shuuya feels recharged when he is with him. Everything is brighter, everything is better. Kidou says the same, telling him how Endou was the light his darkness needed. Maybe, Endou is Gouenji’s light too. He just hopes Endou thinks of him in the same terms. Light, darkness, rock, fire. He doesn’t want this friendship to be one-sided and Shuuya knows being his friend it’s hard. But he is trying—he is getting better at it, too. It could be the meds Doctor Mikado gave him, he doesn’t know, but he doesn’t want to disappear anymore, for now.

He kind of enjoys what’s going on, now. Work is erratic, but he loves ER. Professor Kudou nods in approval when Shuuya does something right—and that’s a lot. His co-workers are more friends than colleagues (they are talking about organizing a dinner and Shuuya is included for the first time in years), Kidou is busy, but he tries to make time for him and he is trying too, something with being more open and spontaneous and less pragmatic. Natsumi texts him every night to talk about her favourite show again, so Shuuya knows they are going to be good. Yuuka apologized for that night and Shuuya thought about telling her, but then he changed his mind. Too soon. Of course, he didn’t talk to his father about _anything_ . Endou would say _Baby steps, Gouenji, baby steps_ ! And Doctor Hibiki would say _Gouenji, everything as its time and evidently the time to talk to your father didn’t come yet_.

Endou is waiting for him on a bench. He is wearing jeans overalls this time, a bright green bomber jacket. His orange headband is always on trying to keep his messy hair from falling over his face. Everything about it it’s so Endou. It makes Shuuya happy.

Shuuya notices Endou is petting a stray kitten who is sleeping peacefully next to him. Right, he is good with cats too. Shuuya has a cat. Endou knows this, because Shuuya is an embarrassing cat dad who always sends pictures of his sweet child, but, again this is terrible because Endou is actually good with cats judging by the way that stray cat sleeps next to him. He can physically feel himself falling for Endou even more.

“Hey,” he greets him.

Endou smiles so big when he sees him walking towards him, “Yo, Gouenji! You came!”

“I told you I was coming,” Shuuya sits next to the sleepy kitty and caresses him with his fingers, fur soft under his fingertips “Hi, baby.”

Endou arches an eyebrow, “I get an hey, the cat gets a baby?”

“Are you jealous of a cat?”

“Maybe I am,” Endou pouts.

This is something Shuuya is getting used to. Flirting. He knows there isn’t malice behind it. Endou doesn’t mean it, he isn’t serious, he is joking. He keeps telling himself this, because his mind can’t start thinking about scenarios where Endou means it. He can’t. Endou has a boyfriend and Shuuya has poor mental health.

“You can’t meet Lizzie, then,” Shuuya says, weakly, now fidgeting with his jeans rips. He has to stop before ripping them further, the cold already attaching itself on his bones.

“I have to meet Lizzie, you promised me!”

“You can’t if you are jealous of a stray kitty. Lizzie is the love of my life.”

“I can understand. Lizzie is very cute,” Endou points out, “The most adorable cat I have ever seen.”

Shuuya nods approvingly, “She is. You are good.”

Endou sticks his tongue out, “People pleaser.”

He has a fanny pack on him, Shuuya notices, hiding into his bomber jacket. He starts looking inside his pockets without opening his bag. He pulls out candies, notes, receipts, stickers, keys, a pack of tissues but not what he is searching for.

“Where is it?!” he mumbles to himself, “I know you are here.”

After he takes out an acorn from his overalls front pocket, Shuuya stops him, “What are you looking for and why do you have an acorn in your pocket?”

“The list Kazemaru gave me this morning. Also, it’s a memory! From when I brought the kids camping two months ago! It was green, but now it’s brown. Here,” he takes Shuuya’s hand in his palm up, gently putting the acorn and closing Shuuya’s hand around it, “You can I have it. I have another one,” and he takes the other out from the bomber jacket’s inside pocket.

Shuuya laughs, “Thank you for the acorn. Did you check your fanny pack for the list?”

“I don’t use my fanny pack that way. I have pockets for that.”

“And what do you use it for?”

“Aesthetic. Also, my wallet and phone.”

“Check the fanny pack.”

“Okay, but,” he unzips it, “Oh.”

“I was right.”

Endou takes out the list, “Don’t be so happy about this.”

Shuuya gets up and moves on the other side of the bench, avoiding waking up the sleeping cat.

“How many people are going to be there?” Shuuya asks, reading the shopping list. There is a lot of stuff they have to buy and Shuuya doesn’t know how they are going to just the two of them without a car and Endou’s crutches.

“Ten? Fifteen? I don’t really know, usually we invite the same five people and the next we know there are thirty people in our backyard.”

“This is why Kazemaru wrote fifteen different types of meat to buy.”

“And vegetables. Sakuma is vegetarian. Fudou likes to grill zucchini, too.”

“Let’s go, then.”

Shuuya stands up and Endou stops him, hand on his wrist, “Thank you for this. You didn’t have to do it.”

Shuuya smiles, “Hey, I’m eating there too. It’s only fair I came with you, today.”

Endou adjusts his crutches under his arms, “I hate this.”

“It’s only for a while, you are getting better.”

“Still.”

Shuuya hums, “C’mon,” he holds out his hand to Endou, “We don’t have all the time in the world. My shift starts at eight.”

“Ugh, working at night,” Endou takes his offered hand to help himself, but he doesn’t let go after getting up and fixing his crutches again, “I don’t know how you do it. We should buy juices and sodas too, in case the kids stop by. You can’t know.”

“Sure,” Shuuya agrees, but he is more concerned with Endou’s callouses brushing against his skin.

Oh, this man will be the death of him.

Shuuya is obviously pushing the half full shopping cart, Endou beside him stopping in every aisle to check every product on the shelves.

“Don’t you think we’ll need this type of cookie? As a snack?” Endou turns, a box of cookies in his hands, too similar to the one Shuuya told him not to buy five seconds ago.

“Just buy what Kazemaru told you to buy.”

“What if it’s not enough?”

Shuuya crosses his arms, “It’s going to be enough because there is already too much stuff on that shopping list, anyway. C’mon, Endou,” he tugs him gently and Endou sighs, but he listens to Shuuya, putting the box of cookies back on the shelf.

“You are very strict,” Endou comments.

“Someone has to be. If I gave you too much freedom, you are going to buy the entire store.”

“Kazemaru says the same, and then he eats everything I buy,” Endou whines.

Shuuya cocks his head, then he takes out the list from his jeans pocket and reads it “We still need to get the salads and... the potatoes.”

“I’ll lead the way,” Endou jokes, slowly moving down the aisle.

Shuuya knows Endou is feeling down, but he’s trying to compensate with buying stuff he doesn’t need. It’s probably because he can’t walk properly and he feels like a burden not only to Shuuya, but to his other friends too. He can’t go back to work until the doctor gives him the green light and he has to spend everyday inside his place, alone, because Kazemaru and Fudou (who apparently lives with them? Shuuya doesn’t understand their living arrangements, to be honest and he is too scared to ask) are always out. Shuuya hopes he is offering him the company he seeks.

“I’m glad you asked me to come,” Shuuya says as Endou leans over to check the different prices of the potatoes.

“These are the cheapest. Take them,” Endou instructs him and Shuuya does as he says, “And, I’m glad you came, honestly, I want to spend more time with you, like this.”

Shuuya coughs, blushing on his cheeks, “Grocery shopping?”

Endou giggles, “One of the many activities we could do. I like grocery shopping, actually. Oh, look, there is a sale on eggplants. We should buy some!”

Shuuya follows him as Endou focuses on choosing the best eggplants in the whole store, “I never go grocery shopping.”

Endou stops, “And how do you survive?” he asks, looking at him with horror in his eyes.

“I order take out. I go out, sometimes. And when I’m desperate I eat instant ramen. But mostly, I eat at the cafeteria,” Shuuya answers, keeping track with his fingers.

“You never eat at home? You don’t cook?”

“No, I don’t have the time,” Shuuya scratches his head, “Or I’m not motivated enough to cook.”

“That’s bad, that’s really bad. I hate cooking, mind you,” Endou throws the bagged eggplants into the shopping cart and Shuuya arches an eyebrow, “Score! As I was saying, I hate cooking, and at home Fudou is always the one doing the cooking, so I don’t really do it much, but it’s good for you eating some home cooked meals.”

“I think,” Shuuya pulls the door of the refrigerator to get the salads they need, “Aki’s food counts as home cooked food.”

Endou helps him with one hand as the other one holds on his crutches, “Yes, but… eating at your place it’s different.”

“I hate my place,” Shuuya replies, trying to sound normal. It’s becoming easier and easier to open up, too easy, and he doesn’t feel that heaviness anymore at the bottom of his stomach when he starts talking about something too personal.

Endou looks at him, “Why?”

“It’s empty.”

Endou’s hand is on his arm almost immediately and he squeezes, “If you… if your place feels too empty, you could always come and stay at mine for a while. Eat with me—I mean, us.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. My home is your home, right?” Endou is so close to him, the most earnest expression on his face, eyes full of affection for him—for Shuuya. Something he never experienced so intensely.

Shuuya thinks he could kiss him in the vegetable aisle without regretting anything about it. Okay, maybe he will regret it, but it would be Future Shuuya’s problem to deal with.

He doesn’t kiss Endou. Of course, he doesn’t. He is still a coward, and with a strong moral and work ethic. He can’t kiss Endou, he has a boyfriend and he is still a patient, even if not his.

“We are,” Shuuya clears his throat with a cough, then he rises the hand with the list still gripped in it—rippled, because he closed his hands in two fists to restrain himself from doing whatever he was thinking to do, “Alcohol, we need it.”

“Something I can’t drink because I’m still on pain medication,” Endou whines, but he lets Shuuya go, and if Shuuya is honest to himself (something he will never be, not in the foreseeable future), he could say Endou is disappointed, the feeling clearly showing on his face, but not because he can’t drink alcohol.

“I can’t drink it too, if it makes you feel better,” Shuuya drops the salads in the cart and pushes, searching for a way to arrive in the other aisle.

“Why is that?”

“I’m on medication too,” he shrugs.

Endou looks at him as a question and Shuuya sighs. He doesn’t want to answer because saying he is on antidepressants and anxiolytics makes it too real. And maybe it’s too soon to admit he needs them to other people.

“Just medication,” he reassures Endou quickly, then he glances at the list, “We need to buy wine and… what’s written on here?”

“That’s Fudou’s handwriting. I think it says beers… because we are not classy bitches.”

“Wow, he is annoying even without having him here with us.”

Endou laughs, “Our Aki… well, the other Aki. It’s so weird, calling him Aki.”

“Because of Kino Aki?”

“Exactly,” Endou guides him into the supermarket since he knows it better than Shuuya, it being in his neighbourhood, “Aki is like my sister, we grow up together on the same street, and she is so different from Fudou. I like Fudou too, I live with him, but… weird. After years, I’m still not used to it.”

“I was surprised when Fuyuka told me Fudou was her brother,” Shuuya mentions, casually, hoping he doesn’t pass as someone who likes to know other people business, even if he is that type of person, “It’s not like they look alike or they share their surname. I didn’t expect it.”

“That’s because Fudou is adopted,” Endou explains as he walks, “Fuyuppe is also adopted, but that’s not really something unknown, you know. She was a child when it happened. Kudou adopted Fudou when he was fifteen or sixteen, I don’t know,, so it’s pretty recent and he didn’t want to change his name because there was no need. He doesn’t call Kudou dad or father, but we know he loves him and considers him his dad. Kudou knows it too.”

“Oh,” Shuuya whispers, “I didn’t know.”

Endou smiles, “How could you? You could’ve asked Fuyuppe, but I don’t think you are that close yet. Right?”

“Right.”

“It’s okay, it isn’t some weird secret. It’s not like they hide it or whatever. Kudou adopted him when Fudou was at his lowest, I think. It was after Kidou broke up with him, too. It wasn’t easy, for the three of them, but now Fudou is doing better and it’s because someone cared about it at the right time.”

“Professor Kudou is really…”

“He is something,” Endou agrees, “He seems always distant and unbothered by everything, but he helped Fudou when he needed it the most. And he helped him at Fudou's pace. It was… hard, for the three of them. Fuyuppe would come to school in tears because of Fudou Akio, but Kudou never lost faith in him and it’s what Fudou needed, at that point. I think it says a lot about him.”

“He is trying to help me too, in his weird way,” Shuuya shares, hands closing tightly into two fists.

“Sounds like him. He was the one who told me I couldn’t play soccer anymore at a pro level. He also was the one who held me as I cried for two hours,” Endou recalls, fondness in his voice mixed with sadness at the memory.

“You are close,” Shuuya notes as he mentally adds Kudou as one more person connecting him to Endou.

“We are. He knew my grandfather. Fuyuppe is also my childhood friend.”

“This is why you call her Fuyuppe?”

“Exactly. She asked me to stop, so I’ll never stop calling her Fuyuppe.”

“You are really a child, sometimes.”

Endou, to prove Shuuya is right, sticks his tongue out, “It’s called having fun! You should try sometimes, Mr. Serious Business All The Time!”

“It’s Doctor. Doctor Serious Business All The Time,” Shuuya corrects him, standing straighter behind the shopping cart.

Endou laughs, “You are ridiculous. C’mon, let’s buy the alcohol we both can’t drink.”

They enter the wine section.

What they expect to see is shelves full of bottles of alcohol. What they don’t expect to see it’s five children Shuuya knows he saw at the hospital a few times, buying some of that alcohol.

Before he can think or say anything, Endou is already reaching them, “Matatagi Hayato, what are you doing with that bottle of wine?” and his demeanour completely changes, scaring both the kids and Shuuya. He looks so serious.

Who’s now Mr Serious Business All The Time?

“Professor Endou,” Shuuya recognizes Matsukaze Tenma, looking like a deer caught in the headlights, his hands up like Endou is somewhat a cop and not his gym teacher slash coach, “It’s not what you think.”

“I think you are minors buying alcohol which isn’t something you should do because it’s illegal and dangerous.”

Shuuya gets closer as a blue haired kid slowly tries to put back on the shelves a bottle of vodka. He wants to laugh, but he stops when he notices bright orange hair standing next to Tenma.

Amemiya Taiyou.

“Taiyou,” he says.

The kid looks at him with big baby blue eyes, “Doctor Gouenji, what are you doing here?”

“It’s not your business,” Endou interjects, “You shouldn’t be here.”

“Actually,” Matatagi Hayato interrupts, “We can be here. It’s a supermarket, Professor, not the restricted section of your magical library.”

“You know what I mean. Don’t try to be smart with me!”

“Sorry, sorry,” but Matatagi Hayato doesn’t look sorry at all, “But Taiyou here isn’t a minor… so… technically, he can buy it if he wants,” he shrugs.

The blue haired kid slaps him on the arm, “Matatagi.”

Shuuya crosses his arms and he feels his whole mood shift from chill twenty-eight years old out with a friend to Doctor Gouenji Shuuya, “Actually, Taiyou here can’t even smell alcohol.”

“Doctor Gouenji,” Taiyou tries, “I’m not going to drink it, I would never. I know about the rules, I’m just here to accompany them, I swear.”

Endou groans, “I swear to God, you are going to be the death of me.”

“Professor Endou,” the blue haired one clicks his tongue, “We are not doing anything, really. Maybe we just wanted to look at the bottles.”

“Tsurugi.”

“I’m just saying,” Tsurugi crosses his arms, “We didn’t buy anything…”

Shuuya shakes his head, these kids these days trying to outsmart everyone.

“Guys, I got chips and popcorn. We should get a bottle of tequila too, just in case,” a girl enters the aisle, basket full of snacks.

“Oh, here she comes! The real culprit! We are innocent, how you can see. You are such a bad girl, Aoi! We are minors, we can’t buy _tequila_ ,” Matatagi comments in an overly saccharine tone, making fun of both his friend and the adults in the aisle.

Shuuya arches an eyebrow.

Aoi notices both Shuuya and Endou and blushes, really hard, her sweet face going all red. She almost drops her basket, but she takes a deep breath and nudges Matatagi with her elbow, “What was that?”

“The voices in my brain told me to say it,” Matatagi smiles.

“Hayato,” Tenma warns, then he turns to look both at Endou and Shuuya, “We are glad to see you up and kicking, Professor Endou. We are very happy you are recovering.”

Tsurugi huffs a laugh, “Bootlicker.”

“Shut up,” Taiyou warns him.

“Or you shut up.”

“I suggest both of you shut up,” Aoi says.

Endou runs a hand over his face, “Okay. All of you, get out or I’m going to call your parents.”

“I can’t believe you would snitch on us, your lovely and absolutely adorable students,” Matatagi shakes his head in disappointment.

This kid could be a comedian. Or a future criminal in prison for fraud. Shuuya raises an eyebrow.

“You are not adorable, Hayato, you are the cause of my hair falling out. From you, I was expecting this,” Endou jibes.

“Thanks, I’m building a reputation,” Hayato interrupts him.

“But from you. Tenma, Aoi, Tsurugi, Taiyou…”

“Please don’t say it or Tenma will cry,” Aoi begs.

“Don’t make Tenma cry, Professor Endou,” Tsurugi adds, something a little bit dangerous slipping into his tone.

“I’m disappointed,” Endou declares, tone stern, arms crossed of his chest, even if in a precarious way since he has to use his crutches to keep his balance.

“We’ll leave, we’ll leave,” Tsurugi says, hands on Tenma’s shoulders, “We are leaving and you are not crying, okay?”

“Okay. Sorry, Professor Endou, Doctor Gouenji, we didn’t mean to disappoint you.”

“I meant to do it, actually,” Matatagi murmurs in the background, trying to sneak a bottle of wine inside Aoi’s basket, but a glance from Shuuya stops him.

Shuuya can’t deal with crying children and crying teenagers, so he quickly corrects him, “You didn’t disappoint me.”

“You did disappoint me,” Endou speaks up, “But I’ll forgive you. C’mon,” he opens his arms to let them understand they should hug him, if they really wanted forgiveness.

Tenma launches himself, taking Tsurugi with him and Shuuya has to remind him to be gentle or his teacher will break again. They hug, Taiyou and Aoi join too. Matatagi smiles, but doesn’t get closer.

“Oh, a group of bootlickers,” he comments.

“Come here,” Endou intimates and Matatagi groans, but does as he says.

When Endou is satisfied with it, he lets them go, “Now, continue your shopping. Away from this aisle. And take care. Don’t run and don’t get sick. Promise me?”

“Promise!” Tenma winks and they start to run away, and Shuuya hears Matatagi chuckling and saying something about going to another supermarket to buy booze. He shakes his head.

He notices Taiyou still there, between him and Endou.

“Doctor Gouenji,” he says and he looks a bit scared.

“Yeah, Taiyou?” Shuuya touches him on his shoulder, in what he hopes it’s a reassuring gesture, “What’s wrong?”

“Are you going to tell Doctor Hitomiko about this?”

“There is nothing to tell, Taiyou.”

Taiyou relaxes, visibly, then he appears to remember something, “Why don't see you anymore up in the Cardiology department?”

Shuuya sighs. “I got transferred. I’m in the ER, now. Don’t worry, everyone like you upstairs.”

Taiyou pouts, “But I liked you the best.”

Shuuya blushes and he catches Endou looking at them sweetly, full of affection and his heart skips another beat that day.

“You were my favourite patient, too, Taiyou.”

“Ouch, that hurt,” Endou jibes in, “I thought I was your favourite.”

Taiyou turns to look at his gym teacher, then back at Shuuya, “Is that true?”

“No, it isn’t. You were my favourite. This one was just a nuisance.”

“I’m buying you dinner tonight and you treat me this way? Taiyou, go to your friends. They are going to buy alcohol, at least pretend to be responsible.”

“Yes, sir! I’m going! Bye, Doctor Gouenji, Professor Endou,” and he runs away behind his friends.

Endou keeps looking where Taiyou disappeared and he bites his lips, “All that thing, it was because of his transplant?”

“Yeah. He can’t do anything to, you know, cause a rejection. He’s off basically everything for a year. But he’s a good kid, he would not do anything to compromise his health.”

“I didn’t know you were his Doctor. When he was… you know, he always talked highly about you without giving out your name.”

“I was his Doctor for a short while,” Shuuya clarifies, “Doctor Hitomiko is the one who performed the surgery. She wanted me in, but I…” he stops and he tightens his hold on the shopping cart handle.

Too soon. Wrong place. Not yet. Not yet for this.

Endou picks Shuuya’s mood shift and changes the subject immediately. An angel, Shuuya thinks. 

“Well, anyway. After this, I’m my worst nightmare and it’s getting late,” he takes out his phone from his fanny pack, “Shit, it’s getting really, really late. We have to move if you want to start your shift on time.”

“We have everything from the list. Do you want a lollipop? So you can balance your immature self with being an adult who scolds children for doing things like buying alcohol?”

“I’d love a lollipop and yes, I hate I have to be… mean to them, but I have responsibilities.”

“Like you never bought a beer when you were seventeen,” Shuuya retorts, “It’s the fascination with what it’s not for you.”

“I've never done something like that,” Endou says, a serious look in his eyes.

“I don’t believe you,” Shuuya rebuts.

“Oh, you don’t? Well, sucks to be you because it’s true. I never ingested a drop of alcohol. It’s not because I was a rule follower and a friend of the law, though. I played soccer, and I couldn’t damage my condition. I played in a lot of professional games before I was even sixteen. My grandfather would have killed me if he knew I poisoned my body with alcohol. It was a temple,” Endou gives him a tragic explanation of his life, with a grave tone Shuuya can’t take too seriously.

“Wow, that’s sad. I’m sorry you lived in jail for most of your life. I still remember being drunk at age fifteen sitting on the riverbank in Berlin with Natsumi telling me about how the world economy could be destroyed in five minutes,” Shuuya laughs at the memory.

“The first time I got drunk I was like twenty-five at Kidou’s birthday party. It was a ride.” Endou confides, a cheeky smile on his face, “Also, I can’t handle it well, so it’s not funny, at all, I’m always the one throwing up before the party ends.”

“Don’t worry, I will bring you water if it happens when I’m there.”

They end up at the counter, the clerk already beeping their stuff as Endou puts them on it, “I’ll take it as a promise. When we are both capable of drinking, we are going out. Okay?”

Shuuya bites his bottom lip, “Okay.”

_Endou: thank you I already said it but thank_

_Endou: you_

_Endou: you are the best_

_Endou: angel_

_Endou: also thank you because you had to carry_

_Endou: five bags full of stuff_

_Endou: alone because_

_Endou: I’m useless_

_Endou: thank you_

_Endou: and you also helped me unpack the groceries_

_Endou: I hope_

_Endou: you weren’t late_

_Endou: I’m sorry if it was the case_

_Endou: I’ll see you on Saturday_

_Endou: I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

Shuuya was late for his shift. He doesn’t regret anything.

Kidou drives him at the friendly meet up at Endou’s place. He’s so nervous, he almost threw up before going out. Shuuya isn’t used to going out, and certainly he isn’t used to going out with people he doesn’t know. Well, he knows Kidou. And Endou. Kazemaru, too, but Fudou hates his ass and he doesn’t know who else is going to be there.

His anxiety is acting up. It’s normal, he has anxiety, it would be weird if the bitch _wasn’t_ acting up. Shuuya’s mind is making up different scenarios about how this can go wrong and how he should’ve stayed home because it was the safest option. He tries not to listen to his fucked up mind, but it’s hard. And Shuuya knows he needs this, just to stop staring at his place white walls and do something socially and mentally engaging.

Kidou is going to be there, too. It’s going to be fine. He’s going to see Endou, too. That’s a positive thing. He likes seeing Endou, he likes it very much.

Fuck. Now he triggered his brain into thinking about Endou and Kazemaru, and the fact he is about to see them together, probably acting as a couple because it’s what they are. Shuuya is never going to win, isn’t he?

He hates feeling jealous and wanting what other people have, and in this case he hates himself because he wants someone he can’t have. He is treating Endou like an object to possess. Disgusting. Terrible. That’s the word.

Shuuya is terrible at this. This is why he never had a real relationship in his life (he had boyfriends, but they never stuck because Shuuya never wanted them to, maybe because he was too afraid to open himself up completely to another person, or because he wasn’t in the right space mentally or because they weren’t what he wanted—they weren’t Endou. Shit.) and this is why he shouldn’t have a relationship in his life. He can’t handle it. He doesn’t know how to do it and of course, the first person he falls in love with—there isn’t point in the denying it to himself, he decides, there isn’t absolutely reason to be a coward, he is in love with Endou because apparently falling in love is a literal expression, because Shuuya feels himself falling and falling fast, so fast and he can’t stop—has to be… someone he can’t have for few different and very valid reasons. But Shuuya knows if there weren’t those reasons, he would find something else to deny himself love and happiness and all that shit.

Shuuya feels like a Jane Austen’s character.

Kidou gives him some concerned glances, but Shuuya closes his eyes and rests his head against the window, “I’m alright. Stop worrying.”

“Uhm,” Kidou shifts gear, “If you say so.”

“It’s just… everything about this is overwhelming, and I’m not used to it. Yet.”

“I know.”

“But you shouldn’t be worried about me.”

“I’m not. Not worried. Absolutely not worried. Me? Never been worried in my life. I don’t worry,” Kidou announces, tone flat and neutral.

“I thought you didn’t have a sense of humour.”

Kidou chuckles, “That’s true. I don’t joke, either.”

“Asshole.”

“You are going to be fine. You know half of the people and it’s a small gathering. Just friends and everyone we know is chill, you are going to like them.”

Shuuya opens one eye, “I hope. Also I hope they like me too.”

“They will. You also look hot, which is a plus. I like your moon dangling earring. Adds personality to your character: the sorrowful gay.”

“Thank you, I hoped you noticed it. I like it very much,” he touches it and he thinks about the sun and how much the moon needs it to shine.

Kidou puts a hand on Shuuya’s thigh, “I hope you know that if I was capable of romantic love, we would be married right now.”

“Thrilling. What makes you think I would want to be your husband?”

Kidou clicks his tongue in fake offence, “I’m rich, I’m hot, I can drive. Do you need something else?”

“No, I don’t. You know all my basic needs. There is an empty parking spot there. Park your stupid Lamborghini and let’s go.”

Shuuya is already familiar with the house, which is a good thing. With his knowledge of the space, he can trick his mind to be more relaxed and maybe he will not throw up on Endou’s couch.

When they finally get in, people are already gathered inside, sitting on the sofa and on the armchairs, chilling under the white gazebo in the backyard. Music fills the place and everyone is too busy talking with each other to notice Shuuya. Plus, Kidou is the main attraction, the attention is all on him. He stops a few times to greet someone and to introduce Shuuya, who tries to appear as distant as possible.

It’s working, because no one talks to him after that.

Endou is outside next to the barbecue—meats and vegetables already on the grill, with Fudou over-seeing all the process like a hawk with his prey. They are talking, Fudou wearing just a jumper in the November weather. Endou, on the contrary, has a scarf paired with a black jacket. Overalls are not in sight for the first time, but he’s wearing jeans and an orange sweater.

Kidou takes Shuuya’s hand, “Let’s go to greet our host, lover boy.”

“Yuuto,” Shuuya threatens.

“You are here!” It's Kazemaru who spots them first, already walking towards them and Shuuya hates him because he is too pretty, blue hair down with a braid to keep them in place. He is happy to see them, to see Shuuya, and Shuuya stops hating Kazemaru and starts hating himself because he isn’t happy to see Endou’s boyfriend just because… seeing him remember the fact that they are together. And Shuuya doesn’t have a chance with Endou.

“Kazemaru, hey,” Kidou gives Shuuya a side glance, but doesn’t question him after noticing him closing his hands into two fists, “How are you?”

“Surviving,” Kazemaru answers, crossing his arms and looking out, in the direction of Endou and Fudou talking about something, Endou moving his crutches free arm exaggeratedly and Fudou is just nodding and shaking his head, “One day he will be the death of me.”

“What did he do now?” Kidou asks.

“He’s being Fudou,” Kazemaru sighs, “But enough about me and my problems, how are you two doing?”

“You should talk with Fuyuka,” Kidou doesn’t let go, “But fine, and Gouenji here is thrilled to be here.”

“I am,” he says to Kazemaru, then he turns to Kidou and mutters, “I can speak for myself.”

“How nice of you,” Kidou arches an eyebrow, his asshole side kicking in, “Then I’ll go talk with Sakuma since you don’t need me. Sakuma, hello!” and here he goes, leaving Shuuya with his biggest enemy: himself, because Kazemaru never did something bad to him in life except taking Endou to the ER when he was on duty.

“Bastard,” Shuuya whispers and Kazemaru chuckles, “What?”

“I still can’t believe he introduced you to us, before. You are really, really close.”

Shuuya puts his hands in his red bomber jacket, “He thought I didn’t match your vibe as a… friend group, I guess.”

Kazemaru looks at him from the bottom to the top, “Then it’s the first time Kidou was wrong in his life, because you match it perfectly.”

“That’s nice to hear,” Shuuya says, embarrassment colouring his cheeks.

Kazemaru smiles, then he asks, “Do you want something to drink? Endou told me you can’t drink alcohol too, but we have juice, sodas, water. Choose your poison, Gouenji.”

“I… it’s okay, you don’t ne--,” but Kazemaru is already walking in the kitchen where on the table are all the glasses with different bottles.

“What do you want?”

“Noth—okay, a glass of water will be fine.”

Kazemaru nods as he fills a paper cup with water, “I hope you don’t mind sparkling water because it’s the only we have. Fudou hates still water and he boycotts the shopping list every time he goes to the store.”

“It’s fine, you don’t have to worry about it.”

“Good,” Kazemaru stares at him as Shuuya drinks.

Uhm. Okay. Weird. He can sense there is something Kazemaru wants to ask him. There is a reason they are in the kitchen, the only two of them in the room. Shuuya waits for Kazemaru to speak, but he is afraid about what he is going to say. What if he knows? About Shuuya’s crush on his boyfriend? That wouldn’t be cool, not at all. Absolutely not cool, since Shuuya desperately wants to be included in their friendship group. He is a twenty-eight years old man and he is lonely, so lonely that he could beg people to become his friends. Before, it was easy, he didn’t know what he was missing out, but now he is in, he wants more, he wants all of it. He wants barbecues on the weekend, he wants to go out to do grocery shopping, he wants to watch a movie with his friends, he wants to go out and have dinner with them. Kidou and Natsumi were enough, before, because he didn’t know that he needed everything else. But Kidou and Natsumi never tried to be friends with each other, two rich people with different ways of living. He is also jealous of Kidou, he wants to go out with him when he is with his other friends, too.

And there is Endou. Shuuya doesn’t want to lose Endou and he feels like Kazemaru could make that possible, in some ways.

But Kazemaru looks like a reasonable person. Shuuya knows him a little more, because of their correspondence when Endou was in the hospital. Kazemaru is fun to talk to, Shuuya would say, maybe too stressed, though. But Shuuya understands that. He is stressed too. Kazemaru is the responsible one. He cares and he takes care of the others (Endou says Kazemaru is always in the background for the simple fact it’s more easy to see if someone needs a hand). That’s something Shuuya appreciates.

“So, about Endou.”

Oh, God, it’s coming. Shuuya’s brain already completed that phrase in fifty different ways and none of them it’s nice.

“What,” Shuuya coughs, “What about Endou?”

Suddenly it’s too hot in this room.

“What do you think of him?” Kazemaru asks, nonchalantly, sitting on the counter. Now Shuuya has to raise his head to look at Kazemaru in the eyes.

What does he mean?

He has to answer, he can’t stall or Kazemaru will be suspicious.

“Endou is… fine,” he blurts, struggling to find a neutral term to define Endou. His mind keeps suggesting something like marvellous, dazzling, lovely, beautiful.

“Fine?”

“Yeah, fine,” Shuuya confirms.

“Just… fine?”

“And fun. He’s fun.”

Kazemaru clicks his tongue, “Is that all you have?”

Kazemaru loses his pretty boy demeanor, looking more like a snake, eyes focused on Shuuya, trying to figure him out, to see if he can trust him or just eat him whole. 

Shuuya gulps down his water. 

“Do you need more?” Shuuya inquiries.

But before Kazemaru can reply with whatever was on the tip of his tongue, Fudou enters the kitchen, “Ichirouta, I need you, so stop chit-chatting with…” Fudou looks at Shuuya for a few seconds, “Yeah, he’s hot tonight. Can’t insult him.”

“What’s going on?” Kazemaru jumps down from the counter, ignoring Fudou’s last comment, “Are we on fire?”

“Not yet, but I left Endou checking on the grill. Hey, Doctor Professor,” he calls for Shuuya and Shuuya is dumb enough to point at himself in question, “Yeah, do you see another Doctor Professor in the room? You. Pass me the olive oil and the salt. Behind you, yeah, there,” Shuuya does as Fudou instructed him, “Ichirouta. We have a problem,” Fudou turns to look at Kazemaru as he puts down the salt shaker. 

“I’m listening, please, explain it to me.”

“My... father is coming here.”

Kazemaru closes his mouth, then he opens it again, “The good one or the bad one?”

“The bad one. He called me three minutes ago. What should I do?” Fudou seems on the verge of having a crisis, he starts walking up and down the kitchen.

Shuuya gets that. He does the anxiety-induced fashion walk almost every day.

“You could call the good one,” Shuuya suggests without thinking too much about it, then he remembers he shouldn’t say anything. Shit, he isn’t supposed to be inside the room, he thinks, he should’ve left after he passed the oil and the salt.

Shuuya thinks Fudou is about to punch him, but then he sighs, “I don’t want to call Kudou. I’m almost thirty, I don’t have to call my dad for something like this.”

Now, Shuuya finds himself in a strange situation. Looking in retrospect, this is supposed to be a wake-up call. He is supposed to understand a lot of things by watching Kazemaru caressing Fudou’s cheek with his thumb as Fudou closes his eyes, but his brain is too far gone in his own trauma, that his mind supplies him with _they are really good friends_.

“First, your deadbeat father isn’t allowed to enter my house and I’m sure he is coming here to ask for money you don’t have. Second, Gouenji is right, you could call Kudou, you know he is scared of him. Or, better, you could call the police since we filed a restraining order on him two months ago.”

“The restraining order, right, I forgot about that.”

“This is why I’m here,” Kazemaru ruffles Fudou’s hair, “Help you with these kind of things, like you help me finish my crossword puzzles.”

“It’s not the same thing, Ichirouta.”

Kazemaru chuckles, “Whatever. I’m just saying you are both a genius, but also a dumbass. This is why you need me.”

“Right,” Fudou closes his eyes, “Right. Are you saying we are soulmates?”

“No, that’s disgusting. Are you a sap, now?”

“Never,” Fudou snickers, “Okay, I’ll text him saying I’ll call the cops if he shows up. This is what I am, now, someone who calls the cops on someone else. It’s your stupid influence.”

Kazemaru smirks, “Whatever. Gouenji, do you mind taking the olive oil and salt to Endou? We’ll be there soon, just keep an eye on him so he doesn’t set the entire house on fire.”

Shuuya nods, “Sure? I guess. Sorry if I…”

Fudou shakes his head, and he smirks, showing off his canines, “C’mon Doctor Professor, it’s fine, you did nothing wrong. We’ll take care of this fast and we’ll join you. Don’t break my grill. Don’t burn my meat. I’ll kill both of you, if that's the case, Doctor.”

Kazemaru hits him in the back of his head, “I apologize. Again. He’s all bark. Don’t worry about being murdered.”

“I wasn’t worried,” Shuuya shrugs, “He doesn’t look like he could hurt me even if he tried.”

“What is that supposed to mean? Hey, Doctor!” but Shuuya leaves before Fudou can finish whatever other threat he has on the tip of his tongue.

Shuuya has the feeling he is missing something. Something important. Every time he blinks there is the image of Fudou’s hand on Kazemaru’s hip burned on the back of his eyelid, especially the way the silver ring on Fudou’s annular catches the kitchen’s light, shining and blinding Shuuya a little.

Something is wrong here, but Shuuya doesn’t get what.

Yet.

Kidou is on the phone when he gets out of the kitchen. Shuuya hears just something like, “Haizaki, what the fuck?” and he decides he doesn’t want to put himself through Kidou and his new pet.

He goes straight towards Endou, who looks lost as a puppy next to the grill. The meat and the vegetables are still on it and Shuuya hopes they are not burning, because he doesn’t know what to do if that happens to be the case.

Endou smiles brightly when he spots Shuuya, and he waves at him, gesturing for him to get close.

“You are here!” he exclaims, genuine happiness on his face that makes Shuuya’s heart grow big in his chest.

“Of course,” Shuuya smiles back, “Where can I put these? Fudou told me to bring them here.”

“Give it to me!” Endou takes the olive oil and the salt from Shuuya’s hands, fingers brushing against Shuuya’s skin, the contact warm against the cold air of a November evening.

“How is it going?” Shuuya asks, nodding at the grill, his hands already into his jacket pocket to avoid the cold and that stupid wanting to touch Endou.

“When I told you I hate cooking, I mean it. I don’t know what’s going on, but if I fuck up, Fudou is going to kill me. This grill is his life,” Endou whines, cheeks red because of warmth coming from the grill. 

“Do you want me to help you?” Shuuya offers, because he can’t think about something better to say and Endou looks like he is really struggling.

They are not alone in the yard, but no one is close to them. Shuuya notices Sakuma and Genda sitting under the gazebo, drinks in their hands, talking to some people Shuuya saw when he arrived, but didn’t catch their names. They are laughing. His eyes try to find Kidou, just out of habit. Shuuya is used to have to search for him, once in a while. Kidou knows a lot of people and he has the ability, or better, the habit to get lost talking and greeting everyone he knows. It’s because he is the son of a businessman, Shuuya thinks, and he learned how to be a good host and a good guest at the age of five. Shuuya doesn’t find Kidou, but Aki, Fuyuka and Haruna. He didn’t see them before, and he hopes Natsumi is going to come too, because Shuuya misses everything about her. He tells himself to go and say hi, later.

“Please,” Endou begs, “You are probably better than me. And if you can’t do it too, I can ask Aki.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll manage. She looks like she is having fun,” they swap places and Shuuya takes the tongs to turn the meat a little, noticing how it was getting burned on one side, “Don’t bother her.”

“Okay, okay.”

“Do you know if Natsumi is coming?” Shuuya asks, casually.

“She still doesn’t talk to you?”

“It’s not like…” Shuuya replies in a defensive way, “It’s not like that. She talks with me. We text. But I think she is giving me space I didn’t ask and I don’t know how to fix it. I miss her.”

“Aki said she was busy with some business meetings, so she couldn’t make it. Pity, I really wanted to officially meet her.”

“Like you said,” Shuuya murmurs, “Pity.”

He turns the vegetables, now.

“You are good,” Endou muses.

Shuuya blushes, his mind moving from Natsumi and the way she is distancing herself from him, to Endou and his casual compliments that make his head spin, “I used to cook a lot when I was younger. First for my sister, then for myself when I was in Germany since the school’s food sucked. Natsumi used to beg me to cook for her because she didn’t want to cross eyes with the lunch lady. It’s not a big deal. But I never cooked with a grill, before,” he admits, “So, I don’t know if I’m doing it correctly.”

“Yeah? Wow, so you are the same as when you were younger. That’s nice,” Endou says, “You are a good brother, I’m sure Yuuka thinks that too. Also, Natsumi.” 

“Oh, please. We were alone a lot and sometimes our babysitter couldn’t stay for dinner. It was just survival. Especially Germany, all survival.”

Endou pats him on his lower back and his hand stays there after, making Shuuya’s breath itch, “Accept the compliment, Gouenji.”

“Okay,” he chuckles, but he feels like dying, “Thank you,” then Shuuya flips more meat, “You know, I can make some mad scones and also my takoyaki are to die for.”

Endou hums, “Yeah? Maybe you should make them for me. When you have time.” 

“I could do it.”

“You are definitely going to do it, Gouenji Shuuya, now I have to know if you are just bragging.” 

“I would never brag. I’m the most humble person you will ever meet.”

Endou giggles, “Right, that’s right. I don’t understand why, though. You are like… awesome in everything you do.” 

Shuuya almost burns a zucchini.

Endou just laughs it off, then he turns to look at the sliding door that connects the house living room and the backyard, and there is a worried expression on his face that Shuuya doesn’t like, “Do you know why Fudou ran out like that?” 

“His father, not Kudou, called him saying he was coming here,” Shuuya uses the tongs to retrieve a cooked sausage, “Can you pass me the plate? Put oil and salt on it after.”

“Sure,” Endou does as Shuuya said, “That man? That’s never pleasant to hear.”

“Kazemaru is with him, and he calmed him down pretty fast. He looked like he could kill someone.”

“Let’s say his father isn’t the best person in his life. Most of Fudou’s problems are because of him.”

Shuuya freezes for a second.

“I can understand that.”

Endou moves his hand in a soothing movement on Shuuya’s back, but he doesn’t change the subject, he doesn’t ask, and Shuuya appreciates it so much, “Sometimes he comes back like this. The last time… it was ugly. Fudou doesn’t want and need him in his life after… but he doesn’t get the message. Especially because he always wants something from Fudou or Kudou. Kudou never gave him anything, but Fudou… he struggled a lot with the situation, it was hard to say no to him. Of course, that man is like a mad dog with a bone. He’s never leaving Fudou alone.”

“Kazemaru said they filed a restraining order?” Shuuya shakes off the feeling of dread caused by the memory of his father.

Shuuya knows his father is the cause of all his problems—most of them, just like Fudou. Doctor Hibiki explained to him how his father’s presence in his life impacted everything he did and how he couldn’t bloom in the person he wanted to be just because of his dad deciding everything for him. Doctor Hibiki says he needs to free himself from his father’s morse, from his expectations. Shuuya had told him that it was easier said than done. Doctor Hibiki chuckled, explaining to him that this is why Shuuya is in his studio, because together they can make it happen.

Shuuya focuses on Endou’s hand on him, and not on his father’s eyes full of disappointment.

“We all did. We had to. He camped outside our house for days,” Endou sighs, then he smiles, “Fudou will be fine, Kazemaru is with him. They know how to handle a situation like this. You could say Kazemaru is Fudou’s self-control.”

“That’s…” _weird thing to say about your boyfriend and your friend_ , “nice to hear.”

“I just wish it wasn’t today of all days, but better today than next month. Now he is going to bother us for a couple of months, so, it’s better like this.”

Shuuya just nods, not getting what Endou is saying, but it isn’t strange. It happens, sometimes, Endou talks about something all his friends know, but Shuuya doesn’t, because he is the new kid. It’s okay, it doesn’t bother Shuuya too much, he will get in the loop, someday. 

Endou claps his hands and Shuuya misses the warmth on his body so much he is about to ask him to touch him again. Luckily, he still has control and he doesn’t do it.

“Enough about that. Only happy thoughts. Look, they are already coming back. Good. Fudou! Kazemaru! Oh, do you want to hear how we end up living in the same place? It’s quite a funny story, if I may say. It involves a camper and the funerary home Kazemaru works at. And Kidou and Sakuma. Do you know Sakuma, right?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY EVERYONE!  
> let's say after three weeks of full on mental breakdowns, insomnia, i'm back! not back back, but almost back. i'm trying ahaha... like shuuya. let's say i didn't have a nice beginning of the month, but i'm recovering. i just hope i didn't catch c*vid. i probablydidn't... but you never know in this goddamn year. anyways. i hope you liked this chapter. nothing happened. as always. i don't know why are they are so long even if doesn't happen ANYTHING in it. have fluff. and supermarket dates. grills. fudou's backstory. useless to the story but i like it so you are going to hear it. <3 i hope you are catching up on the other couple not like someone else in the story... my gouenji is gay and dumb and i respect him for it.


	4. part 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we are at the end. this sucks a little bit. but it's ok, i did my best. i wanna say thanks to all my friends. in the past few months i really... struggled with this and they helped me a lot--especially ume, my best friend who read all of it without complaining. i love you a normal amount.

Shuuya had a long night. Every night spent in the ER is a long night, but this one felt longer, maybe because of that child Shuuya had to coax into opening a little bit, to know what happened,  _ please, I’m here, I’m not going to hurt you _ and his heart feels a little too heavy, on days like this. 

Endou shows up in front of the hospital at 9AM, after Shuuya finishes his third night shift of the week. He is leaning against a white column, freshly re-painted, one of the ever-present crutches abandoned next to him. He is looking at his phone, scrolling slowly and puffy one cheek as he reads whatever it’s written on the screen. On the other hand he is holding an Inabucks paper cup, take away type, which is strange, because the closer Inabucks is kilometres away from the hospital. He has on his favourite green coat and it goes well with his stupid, but cute orange headband. Shuuya doesn’t expect to find him there, of all the places, and so early in the morning but it’s a pleasant surprise after the hell of a night he had in the ER. Shuuya’s feet bring him to Endou without him telling them to do it, and Endou’s face lights up.

Now, it’s easier to leave the hospital's problems inside of it. 

“I was waiting for you. Here!” Endou greets him and he hands him the Inabuck's paper cup, “I didn’t know if you preferred another type of order, so I stuck with what I knew.”

“For me?” he asks and he doesn’t only mean what he knows now it’s coffee, but also the fact that Endou is there for him.

Why?

“Yeah? I thought we could spend the day together,” Endou unzips his orange fanny pack and puts in his phone, then he slides his hands in the pocket of his coat, embarrassment tinting his cheeks a little, making his freckles more evident, “If you are not tired. It’s okay if you are tired, I should’ve called. Texted. I mean, it’s okay, Gouenji, I just thought. It was a bad thought,” but Shuuya stops him with a shake of his head.

He’s cute like this, worried, but eager to spend time with Shuuya. He is cute, and caring, and he brought coffee for Shuuya again, and he waited outside for him and it’s… Shuuya doesn’t know what this is, but it’s something and it’s making him feel something in his belly, not butterflies, more like a whole fire tornado in the pit of his stomach.

“It’s okay,” he says to reassure Endou, “I’m not that tired,” he lies, because he  _ is _ super tired and he wants to sleep so badly, missing his bed after three nights in the ER, but he wants to spend time with Endou more, and he said the whole day together and that was the best thing Shuuya heard all week.

It’s all right, he says himself, he can do this. Spending the day with Endou is more appealing than coming back to his place, all alone.

Oh, Lizzie.

Okay, maybe he should go back to his place to feed his cat, because he loves her and he wants to keep her alive for all her kitten years.

Endou smiles and Shuuya feels better, “Good, let’s go, then. We have to take the bus, though. Can’t drive yet.”

“Wait,” Shuuya holds him, gripping the back of his coat, “Wait, I have to go home. I have to feed Lizzie.”

Endou looks at him, eyes shining, “Oh, this is the best thing ever happened. I’m going to meet your daughter. I hope she likes me,” he starts walking again, of course slowly, because he has four legs and a mean doctor who still has his fingers entangled in his coat.

“I don’t think we can continue to see each other if she doesn’t like you,” Shuuya jokes, following him closely, his mind too tired to process what his body is doing.

“I would hate that, but I will respect her wishes. I value Lizzie’s opinion,” Endou alts again and Shuuya almost crushes against his back, “You lied. You are tired.”

Shuuya sighs, “Yeah, and what about it?” he lets Endou’s coat go.

Endou turns his upper body towards him, “Let me think,” then he proceeds to do a weird and complicated movement to sneak his arm under his crutch, “Okay, I think we can do this. Take my hand.”

“What?”

“You are falling asleep walking, Gouenji. C’mon, I’ll guide you to the bus stop, at least I’m sure you don’t trip and break your skull. It hurts,” he says, massaging a spot under his headband, then he offers his hand to Shuuya, who just looks at it like it’s something that could kill him.

That’s because it’s something that could kill him.

They held hands before, Shuuya is sure, but this time it feels different. Everything about this feels different. Endou is straightforward, as always, his boundaries not matching Shuuya’s, but this time… Shuuya tells himself to stop. There isn’t the need to think so much, not with Endou. Endou doesn’t do anything maliciously, he doesn’t have a mean bone in his body, so Shuuya knows he isn’t acting in a romantic way. Just in a platonic way. He wants to help his friend, in this case Shuuya and Shuuya should stop creating a whole movie inside his head. But nothing about this is good for Shuuya and the way he is falling, deep, deep, in love with him.

But that’s not Endou’s problem as much as it's Shuuya’s.

Shuuya takes Endou’s hand and Endou intertwines their fingers, “Better. Let’s go or we will miss the bus.”

They miss the bus, of course, but they are not in a hurry. They wait, Endou telling him about his progress with his physiotherapist. They haven't seen each other since the barbecue at his place, Shuuya’s shifts and Endou’s appointments not matching once. Shuuya had to cover for Nosaka all week because of his combined residency both in general surgery and neurosurgery. Show off, Shuuya thinks, but he thinks Nosaka is the best doctor their hospital has only because of his passion and his goal to change the word with his hands—in the OR.

They sit next to each other for the ride and Shuuya tries not to fall asleep, but Endou’s body next to him is warm and he is so sleepy and comfortable. He ends up closing his eyes for a little while, just the forty-five minutes ride home.

When he opens his eyes again, Endou is smiling, nudging him with his elbow, “Wake up, sunshine.”

“Sorry,” Shuuya mumbles, realizing he is too close to Endou, Shuuya’s cheek against Endou’s shoulder.

Ops. He fell asleep on him.

Embarrassing.

Endou shrugs, “Don’t worry. I think we are here, but I’m not really sure,” Endou raises his phone with Google Maps opened.

Shuuya squints his eyes, “Yeah, we have to get off on the next stop.”

“Good. Did you sleep well?”

Shuuya yawns, “Yeah. Sorry if I…” he moves his hands up in the air.

Endou laughs, “It’s all right, you looked uncomfortable sleeping upright and my shoulder was free, anyway. It was all me.”

Shuuya blushes, but he nods, not having the mental strength to answer or to elaborate what Endou is doing, really. Maybe he should just vibe with it and hope for the best. It’s the only thing that makes sense, right now.

Endou picks up his crutches, getting ready to get off and Shuuya follows him as they exit their bus. Since they are in Shuuya’s neighbourhood and this is the first time Endou comes to his place, he is the one walking in the front for the first time since they knew each other.

Shuuya used to follow Endou, but now he is good at having him watching his back.

His apartment complex is close enough, so Endou doesn’t have to walk for too long. His foot isn’t healed for him to put all of his weight on it, this is why he has the crutches, but Shuuya knows how exhausting it is to use them.

“Here,” Shuuya stops, “Fourth floor.”

“Tell me you have an elevator or we are going to have a problem.”

“Endou,” Shuuya unlocks the door, “Do you really think I would have let you come here if I didn’t have an elevator?”

“Better be safe than sorry,” Endou follows him inside, “Aki doesn’t have one and I had to take the stairs. I think I cried as Tenma helped me.”

“How is he? Still scared because you busted him buying alcohol?”

“Nah,” Endou reaches Shuuya as they wait for the elevator, “We are good. It’s quite weird but Tenma is… I don’t know if I want a child, but I hope if I do they are cool as Tenma is.”

“Oooh,” Shuuya says playfully, “Are you saying that Tenma is like a son to you? Are you that old?”

“Stop,” Endou bites his lip, then he scratches his head, “I told you, it’s weird. I… saw him grow up in and outside of school. I had to take him to the dentist when Aki couldn’t go and I was the one who always went to pick him up at the airport when he came back from Okinawa. It’s… you know,” Endou sighs, and Shuuya smiles.

“Dad.”

“Shut up. You are dad material too, though.”

“And why is that?” Shuuya leans against the metal wall.

“Lizzie. And I saw how you treated Taiyou. You are going to be a good dad, one day.”

“Please,” Shuuya chuckles, “I’m a bomb about to explode. I have a hard time taking care of myself, don’t let me think about taking care of another human being.”

Endou frowns, “You take care of people as a job.”

“Yes, but it’s… it’s different.”

“And I know you took care of your sister,” Endou points out.

“Well, she is my sister.”

“Probably you are right, but at the same time I saw you with your patients and kids like Taiyou. I know you visit the Paediatric Department once a week to ask how your patients from ER are doing. I’m into you, Gouenji.”

“And how’s that?” the elevator dings and the automatic door opens.

“I did it too,” Endou grins, “The new-born babies are very cute to watch when you are doing nothing all day. I noticed you there, sometimes, talking to Doctor Kiyama. We are friends, now.”

Shuuya pats the pockets of his jacket for his keys, “Of course you are.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You have the capability to befriend a rock, Endou, I’m not surprised in the slightest that you and Tatsuya are best pals.”

“Tatsuya, uh? You are friends too.”

“It’s not… get in before I change my mind.”

Endou snickers as he limps inside Shuuya’s house.

Shuuya watches him as he struggles to take off his shoes.

Odd thing having him here, in his personal space. He knows it isn’t that big, but everything new to Shuuya is big. Endou looks around, probably taking in Shuuya’s house, how he doesn’t have anything (on the contrary, Endou’s house is full of stuff, things, memories, life, but maybe it’s because they live inside of it in three), not framed pictures on the walls, just one of Yuuka’s paintings hanging on the television. There is so much empty space, dust on his forniture, but now with Endou in it, Shuuya stops hating it a little, just a little, thanks to Endou, because his presence has the capability to fill it and make it warmer. Shuuya’s house felt too cold, the white walls and the black furniture always making him sad, but now there is orange.

He has got it too bad and he doesn’t know what to do.

“We should think about lunch,” Endou suggests, taking his coat off, “And where is Lizzie? I want to see Lizzie.”

“She is probably under my bed, hiding. She is not used to strangers,” Shuuya explains, “And what do you want to eat? I don’t think I have something in the fridge,” he adds as he checks his phone, one missed call from his father and two texts waiting from him, one from Kidou ( _ Endou told me he is with you _ ) and the other from Natsumi ( _ Call me when you can _ ).

He ignores it all to focus on Endou who is already in the kitchen, opening his cupboard (empty, just a pack of instant ramen sadly resting inside) and his fridge (there is something, but Shuuya doesn’t know if it’s safe to eat).

“Are you finished scavenging my kitchen?”

“There is nothing to scavenge, here. We’ll have to order take out. How do you survive?”

“Told you already,” Shuuya presses the on button on his computer, still opened on something Professor Kudou told him to research on, “Now stop and come and help me here.”

Endou groans, but he is next to Shuuya in two seconds, hands resting on Shuuya’s hip as he leans over to look at the screen.

Shuuya closes his eyes to recollect himself, “What do you want to eat?”

“I like everything so I don’t have a preference. You?”

“I’m picky with my food,” Shuuya mumbles, “Also, delicate stomach.”

“Yeah, you seem like the type.”

“Shut up, I’m buying you lunch.”

“Choose something you are going to eat, then, I don’t mind,” Endou winks at him, then he steps away, “Where is your bedroom? I’m going to find Lizzie.”

Shuuya ties his hair up, locks making it difficult to see, as he answers, “Go straight, then the first room you see it’s my room. The second one is the bathroom, if you need to go or wash your hands.”

He doesn’t hear the familiar sound of Endou’s crutches on his parquet, so he turns to look at him. Endou has a strange look on his face, agape, eyes shining with something Shuuya doesn’t recognize, What?” he asks, self-conscious.

“You are…” Endou unfreezes and he shakes his head, like he is trying to calm himself, “Nothing, it’s… you are really pretty,” he says as he leaves to search for Lizzie.

“That’s,” Shuuya mutters to himself, “Definitely weird.”

He decides to ignore it as he is ignoring his two friends and his father, just for precaution. He is going to think about it during the night instead of getting eight hours of sleep, as always.

It’s too early to eat, but Shuuya orders anyway. He picks pizza because pizza is always a good idea and he doesn’t know what to get, really, so he buys the same five things over and over again. He isn’t used to having guests, too and he wonders what Endou is doing.

But before he can stand up and go to look for him, Endou comes back, Lizzie in his arms getting kissed everywhere.

“She is so cute,” Endou beams, “And she likes me. I guess now you are stuck with me.”

Shuuya chuckles, “She does,” he says and moves to open a drawer where he keeps her food. 

“Are you hungry, baby? I think you are,” Endou whispers against Lizzie’s fur and she purrs. She rarely purrs when she is with Shuuya.

“Traitor,” Shuuya fills her little red bowl.

Endou lowers her down, petting her more, but she is hungry, leaving him to go and eat.

Shuuya squats next to her, “Hey, princess,” he whispers, “Have a good… brunch, I guess,” then he looks up at Endou who is watching both of them with his eyes full of affection, something about that look making Shuuya’s heart beats too fast, “I ordered pizza.”

“Wow. Pizza? Pretty expensive, but okay, you are the one paying,” he looks away, eyes studying the room to avoid Shuuya, “What do you want to do meanwhile we wait?”

“I don’t know. There is plenty of time,” Shuuya straightens himself, “The delivery is scheduled for… half past noon and it’s currently half past ten.”

Endou hums, “We could watch a movie. Or we could play a card game. But isn’t funny in two. Sorry, Lizzie, you don’t count.”

“Let’s watch a movie, then, it sounds like a good idea. We could watch Emma, but I didn’t finish the book.”

Endou widens his eyes, “Your book!”

Shuuya crosses his arms, “What about it?”

“I forgot to bring it back. I…” he bites his lips, “I finished it. But every time I forget to give it back to you. I wanted to give it back at the party, but then I forgot. You and Aki are very passionate about charades.”

Shuuya giggles, thinking about how he and Aki got paired up for almost every game at the barbecue. They were good, too, almost too good. Shuuya finds himself liking Aki more and more, and he’s happy about that, since she is dating his best friend and she is one of his crush’s closest friends. 

“Don’t worry about it, Endou,” Shuuya pats his shoulder as he passes him, “It’s yours, if you want it. I’m going to shower and change. Give me ten minutes. There is no need to tell you to make yourself comfortable as you already did. Pick a movie, will you?”

“Yes, boss,” Endou jokes.

“Did you choose?” Shuuya asks as he comes out of his bedroom, a big bright red sweater and sweatpants on, “Or are you doing the thing where you scroll all of the Inaflix library and you can’t pick one?”

“The second thing. All of these stimuli are going to kill me. I can’t just choose one, I want to see two or three movies, now. Oh, were you cold?” Endou answers, turning to look at him.

Lizzie is curled up in Endou’s lap, purring loudly. Shuuya understands, Lizzie feels the same way as Shuuya when he is next to Endou. He’s warm, and she likes warmth. His cat is similar to him.

Endou would say like father, like daughter. 

Shuuya gestures to him to make some space on the sofa, “Yeah. I was dirty, too. And if I have to watch a movie I have to be comfortable in my clothes. Give me the remote.”

Endou hands him the remote controller, pouting, but he doesn’t move, pointing at Lizzie on him, “So, no going out later?”

Shuuya sits in the limited space, trying to avoid touching Endou if he can (it’s survival, at this point, he cares about his heart) and he starts skimming too, going back and forth, checking all the different categories, “I didn’t say that. If you want to go out, we are going out. But for now, we are staying in, so my ridiculous sweater stays on. Yuuka’s gift.”

Endou smiles, “Of course,” he whispers, “It’s not ridiculous. You look very cute and soft. Makes me want to snuggle you,” he says, softly, and Shuuya feels a pressure on his heart and he is sure he’s about to die or to have a panic attack just because of Endou. His father is going to have written on his grave  _ died because of a cute man _ and everyone in Hell will be laughing behind his back because he is an useless homosexual who can’t handle affection.

“Uhm,” he tries to speak, “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Endou nods.

He doesn’t know what possesses him, but he opens his mouth to say, “You could… you could do it,” but he does it and this is so wrong, but it’s happening, the words are out and he can’t take them back even if he tries his best. Or his worst. 

“What?” Endou sounds stunned, like he wasn’t expecting to hear something like this from Shuuya and Shuuya gets it because he wasn’t expecting it either, but now it happened. His heart is going so fast, he is tachycardic and he hopes this day doesn’t end with a heart attack.

It would be sad, if it ended with a heart attack. And ironic. 

“You could,” he stammers, having difficulty with the simple act of communication, “Snuggle. If you want, I just. Forget it.”

“No, no!” Endou exclaims, loud, hands on Shuuya’s arm, “No, I… was surprised, that’s all. I do want… snuggle with you, but I didn’t expect you… you would’ve agreed to it. If you don’t mind,” he opens his arms in invitation and Shuuya can’t pull back now, he has to do it, he literally asked for it, so he takes a deep breath and he nestles himself against Endou’s chest, head resting on his shoulder. Endou wraps his arm around him and starts touching the damp tips of Shuuya’s hair.

“Comfortable?” he asks, voice so close to Shuuya’s ear to make him shiver, goosebumps all over his skin.

“Yes,” he mumbles.

He is so warm. This is perfect and Shuuya hates himself because this can’t be his life. He can indulge it, now, but this isn’t his. Endou isn’t… he wishes, but he can’t have Endou in a different way—in a  _ more _ way.

But there is nothing stopping him from enjoying this, even a little. Shuuya will feel guilty later, he will think about how much this was wrong from him later, now he enjoys the soothing motion of Endou’s finger against his skin, the way their breaths start to match, Endou’s steady heartbeat calming him down.

It’s… perfect and Shuuya hates it.

“Let’s see this one,” Shuuya hums and Endou simply nod, his chin resting on Shuuya’s head.

And five minutes into the movie, Shuuya falls asleep lulled by Endou’s presence.

Shuuya wakes up two hours later as the doorbell rings.

“I think it’s the pizza,” Endou whispers, voice rough. 

Shuuya yawns and he opens his eyes, noticing how they aren’t in the same position as they were before he fell asleep. They are laying on the couch, Shuuya all over Endou’s body. Lizzie is sleeping on the armchair in front of them. He looks up, catching Endou’s eyes, also full of sleep. They stare at each other until another ring draws them back from their world.

“I’ll go,” Shuuya mutters, untangling himself from Endou’s. The other just looks at him as he runs to answering the door.

Shuuya doesn’t know how to act right now, so he tries to ignore this problem by searching for his wallet as the delivery boy reaches their—he means his apartment.

He glances back at Endou, who is sitting now, phone is his hand, texting. His hair is a mess, sticking in every direction possible and he looks cute, pouting at nothing in particular.

Shuuya is in trouble. He was in trouble before, and he is going to be in trouble even more. But how is going to live without Endou? Now he has a taste of it and he wants more, and he can’t have it, but the want is there, in the pit of his stomach, on the tip of his fingers, on the inside of his heart.

He wants this all the time, going to sleep and waking up next to Endou, seeing him at his best and at his worst.

Oh, he wants to kiss him so badly.

But Shuuya won’t.

He decides to store everything in the back of his mind. 

What Shuuya is expecting is the delivery boy with their lunch. What he doesn’t expect is his little sister, pink hair and black coat on, with a bag of groceries in her manicured hands (she gets them done with Natsumi every month, considering Natsumi her older sister or something. Shuuya doesn’t compain) and an unamused expression on her face, too similar to Shuuya’s father, right now. 

“Shuuya,” she begins and Shuuya starts praying she doesn’t see Endou, laying on his couch because he doesn’t know if he can deal with it. 

Yuuka is the best person in his life and he loves her to death, but she is also a Gouenji and Shuuya knows Gouenji’s blood best. 

“Yuuka,” he coughs a little, trying to hide her view of the inside of his house a little, “What are you doing here?” 

“I’m checking you are not starving yourself. You weren’t answering your phone. Also, Natsumi told me you two had a fight? She didn’t use that word, but I know she never does when you two have a very not so democratic disagreement, but she kept pursuing her lips everytime she said your name.” 

Shuuya sighs, “We didn’t, but we… it’s complex, okay. Look. I’m fine, I’m eating.” 

Yuuka arches an eyebrow and she is too similar to him, and she doesn’t trust easily (it’s not the Gouenji blood, but it’s the Gouenji environment in which they grow up, the same one Shuuya tried to protect her from, failing badly), especially because she doesn’t trust Shuuya in taking care of himself. Which is really bad, if his sister is catching up with his destructive behaviour. He doesn’t know how he reached this point where his younger sibling has to check on him and buy him groceries. This is Shuuya’s job! As an older brother and older person in general. Yuuka should be out and enjoy her free time (Shuuya knows she has a new project coming soon with a famous Italian brand--Bianca Prendi’s), but instead she is here. 

Endou is here too and Shuuya wants them to meet, of course, but he doesn’t want to let them meet like this. This--in his place, in his house--it’s too intimate. Yuuka knows Shuuya, even if Shuuya tried to hide things from her. She knows. She knows Shuuya doesn’t let anyone in, not easily. She knows this because the first time Kidou came to their house, it was in their twenties, after ten years of friendship; she knows this because Natsumi had to invite herself in on his birthday. And she knows the only people who can cross his house’s door are four (cousin Masato is not Gouenji-like, but it’s still a Gouenji), and they are blood related or his best friends. 

Yuuka never met Endou. Shuuya never told Yuuka about Endou, not once, and there isn’t a specific reason (lie), but she doesn’t know him and Yuuka doesn’t trust strangers and she knows her brother. 

He doesn’t want to give her another reason to worry about him. Or to be happy for him because there is nothing to be happy here, there is just a friendship and a good person who wants to be his friend, for a very absurd, obscure and shocking motive Shuuya has yet to understand.

But Shuuya lives for her sister and he will never, never win against her, because for all his life, he only did everything for her, he stayed alive for her, he protected her, and he never denied her anything. Nothing. 

“Are you?”

“I am, Yuuka. You don’t need to worry about me.” 

Yuuka sighs. 

“I’m not only here to feed you, I wanted… You are not alone.” 

Of course.

“Yeah, I have,” Shuuya swallows his saliva, “A friend over.”

Endou, who is clearly listening, because Shuuya’s house isn’t big and he isn’t that faraway, takes it as his cue to come and say hi. Literally.

Yuuka slowly checks him out, notices every little detail of Endou Mamoru, the way he smiles, the way he has his hand on Shuuya’s shoulder, the way he leans against the wall to fit in better to look at Yuuka, the way he is open and welcoming like this is his house, like this isn’t the first time he ever set foot inside Shuuya’s place. She notices what he is wearing (no overrals, just jeans and a green jumper today) and the way he is not stable on his feet because of his injury and his stubbornness in not using his crutches for a short walk. 

She is evaluating, the same way Shuuya does, the same way their father does. 

“I’m Endou, you must be Yuuka, right? Your brother speaks highly of you!” Endou, sweet angel, he doesn’t get he is being studied like a little tiny virus in the Pathology Dep. 

Yuuka smiles, the cunning smile, not the nice, gentle smile, but she does it, so it's good news, at least, “Oh, did he?”

Endou nods, “I’m Endou Mamoru, I’m very happy to finally meet you,” he offers her his hand, cheeks full.

Shuuya keeps looking at them, without having a clue about what to say. He could say something. Maybe, he should say something. 

“Gouenji Yuuka,” and then his sister does the thing where she approves or disapproves of someone new. 

Luckily, from the shining in her eyes and the full set of white teeth flashing, she approves of Endou. 

It’s only been a minute. A minute, and he already got his sister’s favour. Yuuka has the ability to sense a persona’s vibe, or at least she says. She does the proverbial vibe check and most people fail at it. She knows how to read someone, Shuuya’s too, but where Shuuya is methodical and doesn’t believe in anything else except logic and numbers, her sister has the soul of an artist and the eyes of their mother for knowing people. 

Endou does very well on her test. He passes the test without doing the test, because Shuuya (and Yuuka) notices how he holds her hand gently, with respect, and he looks at her with so much affection, Shuuya doesn’t know how it is possible. 

Shuuya thinks he knows Endou, after two months or so of… friendship, but he is constantly surprising him with everything. Apparently, telling him about Yuuka made him love Yuuka (not as much as Shuuya loves her). Real affection for a girl he never met, just because Shuuya talks about her with love. 

This man… this man.

“Well, Yuuka,” Endou says, and then stops, “Can I call you Yuuka, right?”

Yuuka nods, “Yes.”

“You can call me Endou. Or Mamoru, if you like it better,” and again, the confidence and the easiness are there, and Shuuya doesn’t believe him, he doesn’t, “Stop just standing there. Your arms must hurt,” he leans over to take one bag of groceries, “I’ll take this. Gouenji, help your sister?”

“Yes, Shuuya, help your sister.”

Shuuya does as they say without a word (he doesn’t have words, right now, only shock), Yuuka’s laugh fills Shuuya’s apartment and it becomes warmer as Endou joins her. 

Yuuka decides to stay for lunch. The pizzas they ordered are big enough for the three of them and she is not ready to go, Shuuya can see it in her eyes, as Endou tells her about the first time he went aboard, his dad and Grandfather with him. 

The door rings again and Shuuya gets his wallet meanwhile Yuuka is showing Endou how to draw. It came up, Endou asking Yuuka about her art and her telling him about it with passion burning in her tone. Endou recognizes that fire, Shuuya is sure, because now that Shuuya sees the both of them in the same room, he can say they share the love and passion for what they do. Oh, another thing to love about Endou, because he loves that in his sister. He sacrificed his life to protect that passion in his sister.

This time, when Shuuya opens the door, it is the delivery pizza person.

“Have a good lunch!” they say, as they run out.

Shuuya closes the door with his foot, “Endou, Yuuka, go wash your hands and set the table! Let’s eat.”

“Okay, boss!” Yuuka yells back.

Shuuya shakes his head as Endou giggles. 

“You didn’t even watch half of it.”

“Because it was bad.”

“You can’t say it if you didn’t watch it.”

Shuuya swallows a bite of his slice of pizza, “I don’t need to watch it. Or rewatch it. I saw until they were on the train and I already knew where it was going,” he points out.

Yuuka looks at him with an arched eyebrow. 

Endou groans, “It doesn’t work like that… you have to watch until the end to say it was good or bad.”

“What do you say?” Shuuya prompts, “Was it good or bad?”

“I don’t know, I fell asleep ten minutes after you.”

Yuuka almost spits out on Endou as she drinks, “What?”

Shuuya winks at him, “Not worth it, then.”

Endou crosses his arms after finishing his pizza, “It’s not my fault if you are really…” he stops, eyes going places, cheeks red.

Shuuya gives a significant look at Endou, meanwhile Yuuka looks too curious for Shuuya to feel comfortable having this conversation, “I’m what?”

Endou clears his throat, “Nothing.”

Yuuka stands up from her chair and hits him lightly on his shoulder, “No, you have to answer, Mamoru.” 

Endou blushes, but he isn’t going to say no, Shuuya knows, because he is a victim of Gouenji Yuuka too, “Gouenji is… very comfortable to have… beside you when… you know,” he looks up trying to find the right words. There are no right words for something like this, Shuuya thinks, because it’s embarrassing and it’s happening with his sister here, and it’s okay (it’s not, really) they… cuddled, a little, but Shuuya doesn’t want Yuuka to know. False expectation. She likes Endou too much and they spent an hour together. He can’t allow two broken hearts, “so I… relaxed completely,” Endou whines, his ear reddening a little, “I don’t fall asleep watching movies. I like watching movies, even when they are bad! It’s your fault.”

“So, it was bad,” Shuuya tries to change the subject, quickly, but Yuuka is all perked up. Like Lizzie when she hears her food being opened. Luckily, she is too clever to say anything. 

“I did not say that.”

“You implied it.”

“Whatever,” Endou huffs, “I want ice cream. We should go out. I know a nice place where the ice cream is really good. Ah! We should go to the candy shop, too. Yuuka, do you like ice cream?”

Yuuka looks at him, then she shakes her head, “I’m sorry Mamoru, but I’m… lactose intollerant.”

Endou’s face falls, “This is terrible, but we could go to the candy shop anyway. What do you think?”

“Candy shop?” Shuuya starts cleaning, closing the pizza boxes as Endou puts the scissors they used to cut the pizza (who sparked another discussion) and the glasses in the sink with Yuuka help. 

“It’s in the neighbourhood I grew up in. My mom brought me there everyday after she picked me up from school. Oh! I know where we are going, after. You are going to love it,” he talks all excited, his hands flying in every direction and Shuuya can’t stop himself from smiling at his antics.

Yuuka sighs, “It sounds fun, but I should really go, I have an appointment with an investor in two hours and it’s on the other side of the town. So, I have to drive. But you have fun, okay?” 

Endou pouts, “Really? But I wanted to spend time with you too.”

Yuuka puts a hand on his arm, “Don’t worry, we are going to spend a lot of time together anyway. I’m not letting you go, Mamoru!”

Endou laughs, “Good, then,” he looks at Shuuya and he winks, as Shuuya shakes his head, not believing what is happening in his own kitchen. 

“But… Shuuya,” his sister is serious, now, eyes sharp as she puts a lock of pink hair behind her ear (they share a lot of habits), “I need to speak to you. Do you mind? It’s going to take five minutes.”

Shuuya questions Endou with his eyes. 

“It’s okay,” Endou answers back, voice low and softy, “I can spend five minutes alone,” and then Lizzie jumps on him, and he giggles, “Okay, not alone. Hey, baby,” he whispers in Lizzie’s fur. 

Lizzie meows and goes back to sleep as Endou starts petting her and Shuuya guides Yuuka back into his bedroom. 

“What’s going on?” he asks, a little bit worried, “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, there is nothing wrong with me,” she closes the door behind her, keeping her tone low.

“So, what do you want to speak about?” 

“You,” she is honest and she is brutal, of course she is, they are the same, “You, something is wrong with you and I didn’t want to say anything, but after dinner with dad and now Natsumi… I want to know if you are doing really well.” 

“Yuuka…” he tries, but she stops him. 

“Don’t do that. I know you have this weird thing where you think you have to protect me from everything, but you don’t. I’m a grown up woman, Shuuya, I know how to handle myself. You are my brother and the most important person in my life. I need to know if you are okay to be okay, do you understand?” She blurts out, red cheeks and teary eyes, and she is so different from the Yuuka he knows and loves and the same time she looks like the kid who would run to his brother to tell him about her day and her schoolmates and how she hurt herself, and how she cried, but  _ everything is fine, now, big brother, I’m fine _ . It’s his sister. It’s her. But now… she is a grown up, she is right. 

“I’m… trying,” Shuuya gives in. A little bit. He isn’t about to tell her everything, but maybe something, a little bit, “It’s… look, Yuuka, I want you to know that I’m doing my best. I’m trying, really, to be better. And I can’t give you all the details, I don’t... have the strength, not now, but soon. I don’t… I don’t want to disappoint you.”

“You are never going to disappoint me, Shuuya!” she gets closer, cupping his face, “You are my brother and you are my inspiration. I would never be here without you.”

“Same,” he whispers and he touches her forehead with his, closing his eyes, “Same.”

He hears Yuuka sigh, “When you are ready, I’m here. I’m going to support you, always. Even if… even if it’s against dad.”

Shuuya breathes in, breathes out, prays, wills himself not to cry, “I’m glad.”

“I love you, Snufkin.”

Shuuya huffs out a laugh, “I love you too, Little Shrimp.” 

  
  


An hour later Endou and Shuuya (still thinking about his conversation with his sister) are walking in the middle of Inazuma Town, Endou explaining every little thing about it, showing Gouenji where he and Kidou used to hang out after school, where he trained with his soccer team (at some point, he pulled out from his fanny pack a pair of goalkeeper gloves, saying they were his grandfather and he always had them with him), the park he smoked for the first time (“And last, it was disgusting!”).

Endou brought him so candy from the famous candy shop because Shuuya payed for the pizza and now they are eating an ice cream sitting on the grass, facing the riverbank where Endou learned how to stop a soccer ball and how to kiss boys, girls and non-binary pals.

Endou hums after licking his enormous, gigantic, ice cream consisting of six different flavours than Shuuya is sure don’t match really well, “It’s so good, best ice cream in the whole country.”

Shuuya eats his simple one flavour ice cream quietly and slowly, “Yeah. It’s all right.”

“You should’ve picked what I told you to pick. You are so boring… look at you and your stupid chocolate ice cream.”

Shuuya clicks his tongue, “I like it. And,” he pokes Endou’s side, making him laugh out loud, “If I’m so boring why are you spending time with me?”

“Because even if you are boring, I like you very much.”

“Oh,” Shuuya blushes, “That’s nice to hear.”

“I mean it, Gouenji. I really like you,” and there is something behind it, something more, and Shuuya wants to believe it, but he is too paranoid and he isn’t sure about nothing, right now, so he lets it go.

And Endou lets it go, too.

“I like you too,” Shuuya whispers, then he adds, “I like having a friend like you. Even if you are a bit of a freak. Also, now that both my sister and my cat like you, I have to keep you in my life.”

Endou closes his eyes for a second, but he grins, “That’s the best way to describe me, Gouenji.”

Shuuya’s alarm rings, shocking both him and Endou next to him. They are still at the riverbank, even if it’s too cold, and the sun is about to set, but they are enjoying the calm and their company.

“I have to take my meds,” Shuuya explains, taking them out from his tote bag.

“Sure, do your thing.”

“Aren’t you going to ask what they are for?”

“Do you want to tell me?”

“I do,” he replies, earnest.

Endou seems shocked by it, then he smiles, sweetly this time, “What are they for?”

“Depression and anxiety,” he picks up his water bottle, “I have to take them when I don’t have a shift at the hospital because they make me sleepy. I hope you don’t mind if I yawn a little from now on.”

Endou stays quiet, but he gets closer as Shuuya swallows his medication and he puts a hand over his tight and squeeze it, in comfort.

“I’m fine, really. I’m doing better, it’s just how it is for now, probably forever,” Shuuya tries, choking a little.

“I’m glad you are better and I’m glad you decided to open up with me. I know how… it can be hard.”

Shuuya places his hand on the one Endou has on his thigh.

“I told you. You are my friend. I only told Kidou and I texted Natsumi about it.”

“A text? That’s cold even for you,” Endou shakes his head.

“She doesn’t want to talk to me! Well, she didn’t want to. She told me I have to call her. There are two possibilities about it: or she wants to fire me or she wants to clear the air between us. I hope it is the second, but the first is a strong possibility.”

“You are a good doctor, she doesn’t want to fire you.”

“About that,” Shuuya coughs, “There is a lot to unpack.”

Endou frowns, “And why is that?”

“So, did you know I got transferred from Cardiology to the ER, like, a few months ago? I’m not even sure how long passed, but yeah. There is a reason for that.”

Endou gestures to him to continue.

“I… picked Cardio-surgery as my residency years ago. Surgery means I have to go inside the OR and… operate.”

“I’m familiar. Got two of those,” Endou jokes, trying to clear the air a little bit. 

“Well, there is only one problem,” Shuuya lays with his back against the grass, and regretting it a second later, too cold and too damp for his liking, but Endou copies him.

He turns to look at him and they are so close, their noses are going to touch if he moves a little bit. 

He doesn’t.

“I can’t do a surgery without throwing up. It happens only when I’m inside the OR. My therapist says it’s the burden of responsibility and expectations crushing me. Like, bad.”

Endou cups his face with his callouses hand, caressing his cheek with his thumb. Shuuya’s heart jumps in his throat.

“So, Natsumi tried to find a solution because she is my friend and Professor Kudou and Professor Kira thought that… ER was a better fit for me. They are right.”

“But?” Endou softly asks.

“But my father wants me to be a Cardio surgeon.”

“And you never said no to your father.”

Shuuya closes his eyes.

Endou sighs, the warm air of his breath hitting Shuuya’s face. Suddenly, the warmth of Endou’s hand leaves Shuuya’s cheek. 

He misses it immediately. 

“Let’s go, the sun is about to set.”

Endou is standing tall against the blue sky who is slowly becoming orange, leaning on his crutches. He is beautiful and Shuuya wants to tell him. He is offering Shuuya his hand.

Shuuya takes it and Endou doesn’t let him go as he starts walking in the direction of the Steel Tower of Inazuma Town, the most famous thing the little prefecture has to offer.

“Here, this is my favourite spot in all Inazuma Town,” Endou opens his arms, showing Shuuya a little space on a hill with a bench right under the Steel Tower.

The sky is tinted orange and it’s getting colder and colder, but Endou shines brighter than ever.

“I used to come up here and train with a tire every day after school. I’d tied it up on that tree, do you see it? There, yes, and I would try to stop it or punch it until it was dark and I had to go home. It was my way to relax and do something useful,” Endou explains to him, hands still intertwined.

Shuuya follows him, confused.

“I also come here when I need to think. Or when I want to be alone,” he adds, “Also, when I have to make a decision that will change my life.”

Shuuya feels his eyes widen, “You…”

“I want to share it with you,” Endou whispers, the wind hitting their faces, “I want to help you, but I don’t want to tell you what to do. I just can offer you a good view of Inazuma Town and the most beautiful sunset you are ever going to see. But, you know, these things are capable of fixing and adding something more to your prospective.”

“What do you think I should do?” Shuuya finds his voice.

“I think you should do what you want, but everybody is going to say this to you. It’s okay, it’s the most useful thing you can hear. Be what you want, be yourself, fuck everything, right?” Endou laughs bitterly, “But I also know it’s hard to be what you want. I can’t be what I want, I found something else I wanted to be, sure, but there is always the little voice in the back of my mind that screams because I’m not playing soccer like I was supposed to do.”

Endou limps and sits on the bench, Shuuya follows him like a good puppy. He isn’t going to cry, but he feels his eyes burn a little. Just a little.

“I want to… I want to stay in the ER.”

“Is that what you really want?”

“No, because I don’t want to be a doctor, I never wanted to be a doctor, but I almost killed myself to become one and I don’t want to give up. I can’t go back, but I want to live this life that was chosen for me the way I want from now on.”

“You have your answer.”

Shuuya laughs, not fun in it, only pain, “I can’t. My father… is going to kill me.”

“He won’t.”

“You don’t know him.”

“I also know you. He won’t kill you, Gouenji, because you are going to kill yourself first pursuing something you can’t physically do. You already said it, you almost killed yourself to be where you are, I’m afraid… I’m scared for you.”

“I’m not going to…”

“I know, I would never say it. Just, fear. It’s irrational, Gouenji, it’s there in my bones. Sometimes I cry when I’m in a car I don’t know. Or when I see my own kids playing soccer. I’m scared. Also, I know what you are going through. It’s not the same,” Endou stops, looks at the sunset, then he takes a deep breath, “But I get it. I’m scared of who I was when I was at my darkest moment. Now, I’m scared for you because…”

Shuuya rests his head against his thighs and Endou starts caressing his back, circulars movements to calm him down.

“I’m a grown ass man who is scared to talk to his father about what he wants to do with his life.”

“And what about it?” Endou whispers, leaning against him, lips touching Shuuya’s ear, “It’s okay. I was scared of my grandfather too. It’s because they have all these expectations on us, how we should be, how we should behave, how we should live and how we should do what they say, because they know better. It’s just bullshit, Gouenji. I learned it the hard way.”

“It’s… I don’t want to disappoint.”

“I’m going to tell you something. You are always going to disappoint someone, but you have to keep in mind that the only person you shouldn’t disappoint is yourself and the only way you can do that it’s if you are being true to yourself.”

Shuuya bites his lips.

“It’s hard. I never… I never had the chance to do that. I don’t know who I am. I only know what my father wants me to be.”

“That’s a lie. You know who you are. You are Gouenji Shuuya, you are a doctor, you are Yuuka’s older brother, you are Lizzie’s dad, you are Kidou’s best friend and Natsumi’s pain in the ass, you are a fan of Jane Austen and you don’t like to watch bad movies for the fun of it. You eat like a bird and you always drink too much coffee because it’s your only vice. You are a thinker, sometimes you think too much. You like cooking, but you don’t do it because you don’t have no one to cook for. You are boring because you like vanilla and you eat chocolate ice cream. You think tapioca is the worst thing they ever invented. You are someone who likes to dress up and impress. And you are someone who cares, deeply. You are many things, it’s just you aren’t aware of it,” Endou murmurs all of this and Shuuya doesn’t cry just because he is too shocked: he feels too seen, too understood, for the first time in his life, he knows someone really gets him and it’s because Endou cares about him so much he is willing to hold him as he has a mental breakdown in a public space. 

“Thank you. I needed..” he stammers out, “I needed it.”

“I’m here. I’m here to stay, hey, Gouenji,” Endou makes him raise his head, his index finger under his chin, “I’m here, always. For you.”

“I’m…” Shuuya coughs and he looks away, eyes on the sunset, on the tinted orange town Endou loves the most.

“What are the two of you doing and why does no one answers to my texts?”

Kidou?

Shuuya turns towards the voice and it is Kidou Yuuto, standing in his fancy black suit and Shuuya knows he has a Gala in tonight, so what is he doing here?

“I thought the both of you were dead!”

Oh, right. He forgot to reply to his text. Kidou is like that, he gets antsy if he doesn’t get a reply. The problem is, if he can’t reach you for whatever reason and you didn’t inform him of your whereabouts, he is going to track you down.

Shuuya hopes he didn’t hack his phone, this time. The last time was pretty traumatizing. But Shuuya can’t be angry at him because he knows why Kidou behaves like that, marked by his parents' death and years of abuse. 

“We are not dead,” Endou gets up to hug him and Kidou’s body relaxes visibly.

“Next time tell me before I go in a panic mood,” Kidou huffs and he turns his attention on Shuuya, who is still sitting on the bench, daylight slowly going away.

This time, he isn’t bothered by the night approaching. 

“Kidou,” he calls him and Kidou reaches him.

“Yeah?”

“I’m going to tell my dad I’m going to switch to ER for my residency.”

It has to happen. Why not? Why not now? Tomorrow? Why not? It’s going to hurt and Shuuya is going to be scared, but it’s better to live with that fear everyday. Like Endou says. Like Kidou says. And he feels bad, to have reached this decision only because Endou brought him here, but Endou is something else entirely. It’s the X in a math equation. Shuuya hates maths, but he learned it because he had to and Endou feels like when he understood the mechanism behind it after smashing his head against books and tables and walls.

It makes sense, Endou, he makes sense even if he doesn’t make sense at all because Shuuya never had someone like Endou in his life. Never. And now he has and it’s changing… it’s changing… he’s changing. 

Kidou takes a deep breath, pride flashing clearly in his red eyes, and Shuuya is so happy to have him—both of them, really, with him, “I’ll drive you.”

“Thanks.”

Endou laughs, an arm around Kidou and they both join Shuuya on the bench.

It was a good day, he thinks, as Endou pats Kidou’s thigh and Kidou tells them about Haizaki Ryouhei, his assistant that didn’t want to be his assistant at all, but Kidou told him that was that or jail.

Shuuya didn’t ask about what Haizaki Ryouhei did.

Kidou keeps his promise and he drives him to his father’s house.

It’s a too big and too empty cold house outside the city that his father bought for his mother and her deteriorating health. Shuuya still remembers her being alive, reading in the garden as he played with whatever he could find.

He takes a deep breath and he steps out of the car.

“I’m going to wait for you,” Kidou says.

“You don’t need to,” Shuuya protests weakly. 

“Yeah, I’m going to do it anyway,” Kidou smiles, “You can do it. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

He feels like he is going to face his death sentence. To be honest, every time he has to talk to his father, he feels like this. The way his hands are trembling it’s not normal, but it’s something he always had to bear, since his father scared the shit out of him.

His father never been physically abusive and he was loving until his mother’s death, but after that he switched, being cold and distant, only talking to Shuuya to ask about his grade and to tell him he is going to become a doctor like every Gouenji, because that is the only thing he can do to be useful.

And Shuuya believed every word his father said, and that slowly became his nightmare. He was walking like this when his father told him he was sending him to Germany, and he was walking like this when his father told him he got him in the best medical school in the country.

This time is different because Shuuya is  _ different _ . He isn’t alone anymore when he goes to face his father.

Doctor Hibiki nodded approvingly when the day before, Shuuya told him about his decision. He has Kidou outside, already with the key in the ignition to take him away if he needs to, he has Endou with a smile and a promise to take him out to dinner whatever happens, he has Natsumi in the her office waiting for his call (they talked at the phone, but he wants to see her and ask her what’s wrong, what’s really wrong?), and he has Yuuka’s support. Always. 

He is not alone.

And he feels more powerful than ever.

Shuuya knocks on his father’s office door. It’s always the same room, his father never leaves it.

“Come in.”

“Father,” he greets him, “I’m here to talk to you.”

“Finally, I thought I had to tie up on a chair to have a conversation with you, boy.”

Shuuya closes his eyes, “It’s about my residency,” he starts and Shuuya has this speech prepared, rehearsed and it’s perfect, he knows, but it’s hard to get the words out.

“Your residency?”

“Yes, I’m… I left the Cardiology Department. A few weeks ago. I got transferred.”

“What?” his father turns to look at him for the first time and he is so angry, sharp dark eyes on Shuuya and he feels like he could die, but he won’t, not this time. 

“I got transferred to the ER.”

“How is this possible? What did you do?”

“It’s more like what I didn’t do. I can’t be a Cardio-surgeon, father, I can’t.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“I can’t,” he stammers and it’s so hard, he needs to be eloquent on this, “I can’t do a surgery. I feel sick every time I’m in the OR and this is why Professor Kira approved my transfer to ER.”

“You get sick?” his father’s voice booms in the room and Shuuya tries not to winch.

“Yes, I throw up,” he continues, tries to laugh it off, “I can’t do it and the problem isn’t because I’m not skilled or good enough, it’s because you burden me with too many responsibilities and I don’t know anymore how to balance them on my shoulders.”

“And what are you going to do? Give up?” the mockery is there on his face and in his tone, but Shuuya finds himself not caring, for the first time, about his father’s discontent. 

“No, I spent all my life studying to become what you wanted. I can’t give up without feeling like a failure to myself. I’ll continue being a doctor because despite everything, I do want to help people. I’m not going to be a Cardio-surgeon. I’m going to stay in the ER to finish my residency to become an emergency doctor.”

“Emergency doctor? Do you know what it does to our family name?”

“I do and I don’t care about your reputation. This is  _ my _ reputation.  _ My _ life.”

His father shakes his head, “You don’t know what you are talking about, you are just a boy.”

“No, Father, I’m serious. This is my life and my career and I decide what I do with it.”

“What would your mother think?!” his father uses the only thing he never used, too much in love with her and her memory to use his mother as a way to make Shuuya feel guilty. 

Shuuya feels a lump in his throat, but he swallows it, because he knows what his mother would think, what she would say and it isn’t what his father thinks.

“My mother would’ve never allowed me to become a doctor because she valued my dreams and my independence. I think we are over here, Father. I’ll see you on Yuuka’s birthday.”

And he leaves, his shoulders lighter and his heart likewise.

He didn’t know he had it in him. He is happy that he had it in him.

Shuuya unlocks his phone and he texts his sister.

Shuuya<3: I just had a fight with father we are not going to talk probably until your birthday

Yuuka😊: what happened

Yuuka😊: are you ok

Shuuya<3: yeah, I’m perfectly fine. Also, I’m not going to be a Cardio-surgeon, so I need to change my business cards.

Yuuka😊: I know a good graphic designer I’m on it

Healing is a process. A slow process. Shuuya is aware of that. Emotional trauma and all of his problems related to it can’t disappear over a night, but he is sure feeling better every day. Sure, he still has those moments where he wants to disappear or he wants to scream or worse, but he can control them now and he can handle them better.

He is trying and he is healing, and that’s good. All he wants it’s to be fine and live differently. After he tells his father everything, he feels even better, like a new person.

Doctor Gouenji Shuuya, emergency doctor, and also survivor of his own mind.

It has a nice ring to it.

The first person he told he was staying in the ER was Professor Kudou, out of all, to answer his question if he wanted to be a good doctor. He desperately wants to be a good doctor, he wants to be the best doctor, not only good because he fought hell to be there, and all the pain will be for nothing if he can’t be good.

He catches his outside Professor Kudou’s office, bowing and apologizing, “Can I talk to you, Professor?”

“About what?”

“About continuing my residency here, in the ER.”

Kudou arches an eyebrow, “Yes?”

“I requested to… change my residency. Professor Kira gave me the okay, I just need yours. I want to stay here.”

Shuuya never saw Kudou smile, not once, but his lips curve as Shuuya tells him about his decision, it’s small, but it’s there, and Shuuya knows he made the right choice.

“I don’t see why not. Did you tell the President?”

“I’m going to see her after lunch,” Shuuya grins, hands in his coat pockets,” Thank you so much.”

“Don’t thank me yet, Doctor Gouenji,” Kudou goes back to his usual neutral expression, unamused with everything, “I’m going to make your life a living hell from now on. I want you to be the best like everyone in my staff. You can’t fall behind or you are out.”

Shuuya nods, not scared at all, “I won’t. I’m serious about this.”

“I know you are,” Kudou says and then he leaves without saying goodbye, Shuuya still outside his office.

“Well then, back to work,” he mutters to himself.

Endou is having lunch with him today. It happens often, these days. Endou is at the hospital for his physiotherapy session and he tends to call Shuuya to have lunch with him. He doesn’t know why Endou wants to eat with him, but he does, and Shuuya found himself incapable of ever saying no to Endou.

But it’s okay, he enjoys his company. Sometimes some of his colleagues join them and Shuuya doesn’t have to talk to them at all, having Endou doing all the work for him.

It’s perfect.

“Doctor Mizukamiya told me I’m healing slowly because of some asshole called Mars,” Endou whines, waving around his empty fork, “I don’t know what he means, but I don’t like it. I want to walk again without crutches! It’s been months!”

“Only three weeks,” Shuuya corrects him after he swallows a bite of his sandwich, “And I saw your medical records and talked with Mizukamiya, you are healing just fine, he wants to be sure you can walk properly before putting all your weight on your foot, knowing your medical history.”

Endou pouts, “I don’t like it.”

“You don’t have to like it, you have to listen to your doctors.”

“You are not my doctor anymore,” Endou sticks his tongue out, “So, I don’t have to listen to you. Doctor Mizukamiya, on the other side… if he didn’t talk about astrology all day it would be better, but he is scary enough for me to do as he says.”

“That’s enough for me.”

“I’m just worried, you know,” Endou rests his chin on the palm of his hand, lunch forgotten, “I need to be in top shape for the wedding, but at this rate…”

Shuuya almost chokes.

“What?” he struggles to say.

What wedding? Is there a wedding? When is this wedding? Who is getting married? People are getting married and Shuuya doesn’t know about it. It’s Endou? Is Endou getting married? Oh God, this is terrible. People getting married scare the shit out of Shuuya, and he knows it’s something weird to say, but how can you bound yourself to another person? How can you be so sure? And they are so young. They are very young. Old people get married. Like, when you are thirty or something. Oh God, Shuuya is about to be thirty in two years. This is a nightmare. Also, God, getting married it’s something Endou would do like, after two months in a relationship, probably.

Shuuya doesn’t want to deal with Endou getting married. He didn’t think this thoroughly.

“Yes, the wedding. You don’t know about the wedding?” Endou is clueless about how Shuuya is having one of his famous mental breakdowns.

“No, I don’t know,” he tries to say, “About a wedding.”

“Oh, I thought Kazemaru told you! He said he wanted to invite you, maybe he hadn’t the time yet to… are you okay?”

Shuuya drops his chopstick on the table and he feels like he is about to throw up, “Yeah.”

“Bullshit,” Endou says.

“I’m fine, I just… I didn’t know Kazemaru was… You… and… wedding,” it’s hard to speak while trying to keep his lunch in his stomach. He tries to drink some water, but he is shaking.

Why is he shaking? This is so embarrassing, he is about to have a panic attack because Endou is getting married. Maybe. He doesn’t know. Is he getting married? They are too young and he doesn’t behave like a person who is about to get married. 

There is a frown in between Endou’s eyebrows (Shuuya hates when he does it and he wants to smooth it out with his fingers because Endou deserves only happiness on his face), concern flashing in his eyes, but he nods, slowly, “Yeah, I mean, it was a long time coming. They have been together for ages, it’s only fair, but it’s weird when your best friend gets married and you have to be the best man.”

Oh.

Wait.

What?

“What?”

“What, what?” Endou asks.

“Best man?”

Endou looks at him like he hit his head very badly, “I’m Kazemaru’s best man… he’s getting married… to Fudou?” he slowly explains, confusion all over his face.

“Fudou?!” Shuuya feels lightheaded.

Fudou? Fudou? Oh, Fudou. Right, Fudou. That’s… that was the something he was missing, that didn’t fit right in the whole narrative he built for himself where Endou and Kazemaru were the perfect couple and Endou didn’t need him, and he didn’t like him and he was never going to like him.

Fudou. It is Fudou always standing next to Kazemaru, handing him his favourite drink. It is Fudou who always sits next to Kazemaru when they all meet. It is Fudou who fixes Kazemaru’s hair. Fudou doesn’t smile often, but he always smiles at Kazemaru. They also argue a lot, and it’s about stupid things and important things and they always throw shades at each other, have inside jokes just the two of them understand.It was Kazemaru who comforted him that evening at their party, because Fudou was looking for Kazemaru, his fiancé.

Of course.

Shit.

He is so fucking dumb. He… how? How he was dumb to think that and being so wrong about it?

Shuuya has an answer for that too, because, once again, he did what he does best: deny himself happiness and the only way to deny himself Endou was making Endou emotionally and romantically not available, so he didn’t have to try and be happy with someone he likes, loves so much.

Wow. He is so fucked up, he reached a whole new level with this. Shuuya feels like an heterosexual, so oblivious to everything. Disgusting. He disgusts himself.

“Oh, I didn’t know Kazemaru and Fudou were together,” he admits, nausea settling in, not strong as before, “And... I didn’t know they were going to get married. I missed… the memo.”

Endou scratches his forehead under the orange headband, “Sorry, I guess? It’s probably because all of our friends already know, so I thought you knew too. Well, they have been together since they were twenty-two years old, it’s not news and they announced their wedding a year ago. Sorry, I should’ve…”

Shuuya takes a deep breath, “Don’t say sorry, I… let’s say I… It was unexpected to hear it. But hearing it… makes sense. So, you are Kazemaru’s best man?” Shuuya needs to think and he can’t do it if he has to talk, so he asks Endou to let the other one speak for the both of them.

“Yeah! He asked me and I was so confused but! I was so happy. Sakuma is Fudou’s best man. I don’t know how he convinced him since Sakuma says he hates his guts, but they are like brothers, I know. And Kudou is hosting the whole thing at his place and Fuyuppe is helping Kazemaru organize it. She is so sweet, don’t you think? They went to Kazemaru’s mom's house because she can’t come to the wedding, so Kazemaru tried to soften the blow. But anyway, they are happy. They are going to keep living with me, luckily, I’m not ready to pay rent alone. I don’t have enough money for that. I know they are getting married because Fudou lost a bet, anyway, and they are just making official and it won’t really change a thing between us, but it’s really weird, you know, I still can’t believe people our age get married.”

As Endou speaks, Shuuya thinks.

This means Endou is single—probably, he doesn’t know, but he never talked about a significant other (and Shuuya feels so dumb because he never talked about Kazemaru in that way, either) and he didn’t tell Shuuya nothing about being interested in someone that way, and Shuuya feels like Endou would’ve told him if that was the case, being a big over-sharer.

Shuuya could tell him about his feelings. He could, and he definitely should, just to clear the air between them, and if he is lucky, Endou will accept them, not reciprocate, just accept them. Shuuya doesn’t really believe it, but he can dream about it.

There are other two things and Shuuya knows he is doing the thing where he denies himself what he really wants. The first thing is: Endou is an ex-patient, and he is still a patient right now in the hospital, even if Shuuya isn’t his doctor, and Shuuya doesn’t know how to handle this. He doesn’t want to get fired, not now that he likes what he does. The solution is to talk to Natsumi. The second thing is: he doesn’t want to ruin their friendship in the case Endou won’t like what Shuuya feels for him, but this doesn’t worry Shuuya too much, but Endou is an angel and he won’ t make Shuuya feels bad for being in love with him, he is sure of that. Things may be awkward for a while, yes, but he doesn’t think they aren’t going to be friends anymore. Shuuya will have to deal with the fact that he can’t kiss the love of his life, but it’s okay, he is used to that, he has his armour on for that.

He doesn’t really want to tell him what he feels, though, because he is scared to acknowledge these feelings out loud, because he never felt something like this. Everything is on fire inside of him when he thinks about Endou and it’s not an exaggeration, he feels like burning when Endou touches his skin, and he feels the warmth and the wanting inside of him. Oh, the old and familiar wanting too much.

It’s scary because it’s too much, it’s too much, and he developed all of this in a couple of months and he doesn’t know if can eradicate it, he doesn’t know if he does he will be the same. He is changed because of his feelings for Endou.

It’s a weird thing, really. Love. Tricky, Shuuya thinks. He felt love a lot of times, he feels love when he sees his sister after she dyes her hair, when he sees Kidou waiting for him in their favourite bar, when Natsumi let him accompany her to the bookstore, when Lizzie purrs and licks his clothes and nestle herself in his lap, when Aki gives him two free cookies instead of one, when Fuyuka and Toramaru nods approvingly after he gave them their orders, when Professor Kudou looks at him with pride, when his patients are doing well because of him, he feels love all the time, but Endou… what Endou makes him feel is something he never… he didn’t know it existed, not like this.

And it’s scary. And painful. And good.

He doesn’t know what to do. And ignoring it doesn’t feel right, it doesn’t. He could do it if he believed it was impossible, if Endou had a partner, that would have been easy. His brain can understand it, this isn’t for you, Shuuya, don’t think about it twice.

But now.

Possibilities.

Days shared together, grocery shopping, smiles so dazzling to make him fear of a heart attack, kind words, books talk, stargazing, bad movies, giggles, sleepless night, butterfly touches on his skin, a shoulder to sleep and cry on, and he could continue, but he won’t, because he doesn’t want to hurt himself longer.

“Are you listening?” Endou pouts and he crosses his arms. He is wearing his stupid orange overalls on a dark green sweater and Shuuya is in love, he is love with a ridiculous man who feels more like daylight than a real person.

Endou feels like daylight on his face, the warmth on the sun creeping in on his skin, after sleeping so long in a twenty-eight dark night, and now he can only see him shining through the shutters. And now Shuuya is wide awake, thanks to him.

“No, lost in my mind for a sec. Sorry,” he smiles, “Is Kazemaru’s mom not feeling well?”

Natsumi is reading some documents when Shuuya shyly knocks on her door. This is the first time they are going to see each other since the Accident (Shuuya realizing he has a crush on his patient and telling his boss about it because he is used to telling her everything).

He knows he doesn’t have to be nervous because they talk almost every day, but she is Natsumi. She loves him, he is sure of it, but she is also serious and she likes her job very much, she won’t lose it for nothing, not after everything she did to be in this position and Shuuya understands. He just hopes she won’t be angry at him.

“Come in,” Natsumi calls for him and he sighs. He talked with his father, he can talk to Natsumi.

“Hey,” he greets her, closing the door between him, “Do you have time for me, today?”

“I have a meeting in thirty minutes, is that enough?” Natsumi doesn’t raise her head, signing whatever she has to sign.

“Yes, plenty,” he sits in front of him and he looks outside, big grey clouds. It’s going to rain soon and it’s going to rain all week, for what Shuuya knows.

“Good, starts talking then,” Natsumi looks at him for the first time, chestnut eyes and eyeliner on him. This isn’t Natsumi, his best friend of years, this is President Raimon and Shuuya has to act accordingly

“I want my transfer to the ER to be permanent. I already put in a formal request, and informed both my Professors.”

Natsumi nods, intertwining her hands under her chin, “I don’t see why not, you are way better there. You are making an actual difference as an emergency doctor and your performance is a proof of it. Every patient speaks highly of you as a doctor, not so much as a person, but I know you, it’s not a surprise. Just try to be nicer. And Professor Kudou is very satisfied with you as I can read in his reports. Are you switching your residency?”

“Yes,” and he is so honest and proud of himself, both because he is happy to be able to be what he wants to be, but also by hearing Natsumi’s words, “I’m doing it.”

And Natsumi smiles and she isn’t President Raimon anymore, “I’m so happy for you, Shuuya, I really am.”

He chuckles, “Don’t go all sentimental on me.”

“It’s true,” Natsumi stands up and she gestures to him to sit on the sofa with her, “Coffee?” she asks, already turning on the coffee machine in her office.

“You know I can’t say no.”

“Good,” she starts making the coffee for both of them, “Tell me everything. I know we texted but… it’s not the same.”

“It’s not,” Shuuya agrees, “I missed you. I’m sorry, I… I fucked up, I know.”

“It was my fault too,” Natsumi sighs, “You were… you were in a ugly spot and I thought about the hospital before thinking about you. That wasn’t cool. It wasn’t cool for you to ignore me and it wasn’t cool for me to do the same.”

“I was ashamed. I always come to you to have a mental breakdown when you are my boss, and I know how this is important for you. I don’t want you to feel guilty or say sorry because you were thinking about something you love this much.”

“It’s… Shuuya,” she turns around, hugging herself, “I don’t want  _ you _ thinking I don’t care about you. My friends and family and…” she blushes, “Aki, mean more than this job. And I’m sorry, I really am, if you felt this way.”

“Natsumi,” Shuuya says.

“I’m grateful you are in my life, I would never come this far without you,” Natsumi chuckles, “You were the one who picked me up when I felt down, and I couldn’t do the same for you this time.”

“That’s not true. You always help me.”

“This doesn’t mean anything I can see my best friend wants to…” she cuts herself, chewing her bottom lip.

Oh, there is something there Shuuya didn’t calculate at all.

Shuuya groans, “Who told you?”

“Kidou.”

“Now, you talk with Kidou.”

“I had to, you weren’t answering me,” she defends herself, but Shuuya isn’t really angry. She is right, he avoided him for weeks after and even if she did the same, it doesn’t matter.

She deserves better than this.

“I’m doing better, that doesn’t… I’m doing better, I’m seeing a professional and I’m doing better. I promise.”

“The only thing you have to promise me,” she is now next to Shuuya on the couch, her delicate hands on his, eyes so earnest and full of affection, and Shuuya loves her like it’s the first day, because she understands, she is so like him it hurts, “It’s that you are going to tell me, keep me in the loop. Whatever you are feeling, you tell me. Fuck professionalism, the board can’t kick me out for another five years.”

“I don’t think you've ever been professional,” and that grants him a slap on his thigh, “But of course. And don’t worry, I’m doing better than I ever was.”

“And about Endou,” she gets up again to retrieve the coffees she left on the counter.

“Why are you talking about Endou, now?”

“You like him,” she sets the two cups on the table and she looks at Shuuya, and she is serious, she is really asking about this and Shuuya doesn’t know what to say.

“I…” he stammers out, then he takes a deep breath, “I love him, actually.”

And this is the first time he ever said it aloud, and it’s big, but it doesn’t hurt Shuuya like he thought. His heart made peace with it. Saying it to someone else makes it real, yes, but Shuuya already knew it. 

“Oh,” she mutters.

“Yeah.”

“What are you going to do about it?” she asks and then she swallows a gulp of stream hot coffee.

They are the same.

“What do you mean?”

“Oh,” she claps her hands together, “I hope you do know he doesn’t have a boyfriend like you probably thought.”

Shuuya flushes bright red, he can feel his skin getting hot, “How do you know that?”

Natsumi huffs a laugh, “I know you.”

“I actually found out today that he doesn’t have a relationship with Kazemaru as I previously thought.”

“Kazemaru as Kazemaru Ichirouta, the one that is going to get married at the end of the month with Fudou Akio?” Natsumi says, her tone neutral, but Shuuya can see the amusement and the mischief in her eyes.

She is having too much fun.

“Yes, laugh about it. It’s my defence mechanism. It makes shit up so I don’t have to do nothing about it,” he pouts.

“I know, I know. This is why I’m asking you what you are gonna do about Endou Mamoru. You love him, so it’s not something you can dismiss easily,” she crosses her legs.

“You sound like my therapist.”

Natsumi arches her eyebrow.

Shuuya rests his back against the sofa, “I don’t know! He was my patient and he is still a patient even now I’m not his doctor anymore! I don’t know, it feels… wrong.”

Natsumi pats his thigh, “Look, look, you are doing it again.”

“Am I doing what, now?”

“Putting some obstacles in front of you so you can’t be happy. We talked about this five seconds ago.”

“So, to you, President Natsumi, chief of professionalism, and boss of not fuck my hospital, are telling me I should date the person who I had in my care for a month?”

It sounds like a joke, but Natsumi purses her lips and makes a thinking face, then she smiles, “Exactly!”

“Who are you and where is my best friend?”

“Your best friend is dating one of her employees,” she reminds him in a singsong tone.

“It’s not the same,” Shuuya fights back.

“But it’s not professional,” Natsumi says.

“It’s not, but we don’t care since it makes you happy.”

Natsumi looks at him.

Shuuya groans.

She won. This time.

Natsumi smiles victoriously, then she becomes serious again, “I meant it. I don’t care. I cared about it, though. I told you, I don’t want you to think I prefer my job over you, but I understand why you would think that… Aki told me, she made me understand it, actually. Shuuya, living is hard, I agree, and we are young and nobody really gave us instructions on how to do it. I thought having this job was everything,” she sighs, looks around her studio, “I love it, I still love it, I walked, I crawled to be here, but it’s not everything, not anymore. You made me understand it, Aki too.”

“Me?” Shuuya asks, confused. 

“Yes, you, because for the first time you did something for yourself. As a person. And I’m proud of you.”

“I’m proud of you too. You deserve what you have.”

“And you to be happy, Shuuya.”

Shuuya smiles, weakly, “I’ll try. But, you too.”

“I’m happy. You are with me. By the way, does Kidou know?”

“About what?” 

Natsumi shakes her head, “Endou, of course.”

“He doesn’t know,” Shuuya answers, massaging his forehead, “I don’t know how to tell him I’m in love with  _ his _ best friend.”

Natsumi hums, “Knowing Kidou Yuuto, he already knows. Probably, he knew before you knew and he enjoyed the show.”

“You are probably right.”

“Well, it’s your choice, to tell Endou what you feel. But for me, you should do it. It’s better to live in a limbo where he buys you coffee and you cry because he’s cute.”

“How do you know it?” Shuuya blushes, sounding affronted.

“I know everything that happens in my hospital, Shuuya. I have hawk eyes and spies, and they tell me what I need to know.”

Shuuya whines loudly, “Shut up.”

Natsumi laughs.

They are fine, they are always going to be fine.

Shuuya doesn’t why he said yes to going out, today, with Endou of all people. It’s been a week since he found out about Endou not being in a relationship with Kazemaru. About Endou not being in a relationship with anyone. He is trying, he is really trying to find the perfect way to tell Endou about his feelings, but it’s hard, especially for someone (Shuuya) who never learned how to express his feelings (his father’s fault). He can say  _ I love you _ and _ I love you too _ to his sister, and Kidou and Natsumi, but just because he knows them and they said it first.

It’s also true that Endou keeps telling how much he loves him every day, via text.

But it’s something his brain isn’t willing to accept, not right now. Also, telling people you love them and telling people you are in love with them and you would like to spend your whole life with them for one simple reason you consider them your soulmate, soul sister, perfect match, the only person who can make him better and who can make him feel whole, or some shit.

He watched a lot of romantic movies to find out which is the best way and he arrived to the conclusion that there isn’t a best way, and he sucks in making a decision.

So, he is living between his work (going better) and finding the best way to declare his undying love for Endou Mamoru (not going well). To do that, he is kind of avoiding Endou, just because he wants everything to be perfect. He isn’t a perfectionist, but Shuuya really doesn’t want to fuck this up. It’s not something he can rehearse (he could, though. He could ask Kidou but he will have to tell Kidou about his crush—love—for Endou and he isn’t ready to see Kidou gloating and laughing at him, because he will do exactly that, since he is an asshole. Also, it’s hard to tell Kidou, he doesn’t want to put him in a tight spot, being Endou’s best friend. So, he doesn’t have Kidou. And Natsumi is helpful, but she is busy, and she is going to tell him to be honest and just tell him, because everything is going to be okay, and she doesn’t have to proofread his speech, so, no rehearse) and he won’t go blindly in because going blind would be a mess.

Shuuya sighs as Endou takes time to decide the new shop to visit to find the perfect outfit for his duty as a best-man.

Endou asked him to come with him, saying something about Kazemaru trusting his fashion sense and not trusting Endou’s (what can Shuuya say to that? The man only wears overalls and fanny packs). Also, he doesn’t have no one to ask—even if Shuuya knows that’s a lie, he has a lot of people to ask to come with him and that’s made him blush, since Endou wants to spend time with him.

The only problem is that he has a night shift (he has to cover for Nosaka, again, and he asked a whole day off for Kazemaru and Fudou’s wedding) in a few hours and he didn’t sleep the night before because, of course, he had a night shift, and he spent the morning with Kidou, plus adding all the thinking he is doing, this isn’t going well.

Shuuya is tired, but he will do everything for Endou. He follows him silently in every shop of the mall they chose, and he shakes his head when Endou picks something too ugly or too flashy or too pricey (“It’s a backyard wedding, Endou, Kazemaru is going to wear a suit that costs half of it!”) and he nods when picks something he likes—but Endou usually doesn’t. That makes Shuuya angry because he doesn’t even try them on, he just looks at them and says  _ yes, no, this could do _ , and then he tells Shuuya  _ let’s go to another shop _ .

Shuuya is going to hit his ten thousand steps goal with all this walking around the mall. And it’s not absolutely helping the fact that now Endou can walk without crutches, even if he has to keep his brace on his ankle for another week.

Even if Endou is annoying, that doesn’t make Shuuya regret coming with him, though. He enjoys his presence, and he loves Endou cares so much to call him, to want him around. It’s nice. Endou is too nice.

“Gouenji, are you coming?'' His voice took Shuuya’s back from his mind to reality.

“Yes, sure. I was thinking,” Shuuya joins him at the shop’s entrance.

Endou grins, “I hope you were thinking about me.”

Shuuya’s cheeks are red and he knows Endou can see it, now, because it’s not summer anymore and the sun is weak and he's losing his strong sun-kissed skin-tone.

Endou doesn’t stop smiling, but he turns to look inside the shop, “Look, I like that! Let’s go,” Endou’s hand is already intertwining with Shuuya’s before he can even think about it.

What Endou likes is a suit, classic, but also something that screams Endou since the suit jacket it’s a soft orange with a matching tie and a black shirt that goes with it.

“I want this, I’ll try it,” and he leaves Shuuya to go ask the clerk.

Shuuya looks at the suit and sighs. Orange is Endou’s favourite colour, and it also matches his whole vibe and his skin tone, if Shuuya has to be honest. He never met someone who looked hot in orange before Endou. Orange is Endou’s signature colour as red is Shuuya’s: he loves it and he is always wearing something red on (now, it’s his fluffy red bomber that he is wearing even if outside is raining cats and dogs. He doesn’t like to dress according to the weather, apparently), and he wears orange too—when he was in middle school he was always wearing this ugly orange sweatshirt, he doesn’t know why, he just liked it. But not like Endou, Endou only wears orange, sometimes, and he has always on his orange headband—now he knows it was a gift from his grandfather.

Shuuya just hopes this suit is the one because he is getting hungry. And he would like a coffee.

Endou comes back with the clerk and the other nods.

Five minutes later they are in the dressing rooms and Endou is grunting behind the curtains.

“Are you okay or do you need help?”

“I would like a little help with the tie, if you don’t mind,” Endou says, tone defeated and Shuuya chuckles.

“Okay, I’ll do it for you, come out,” Shuuya relents, just because he grew up tying ties, it’s probably the only thing his father ever taught him.

“Thanks,” Endou opens the curtain with a swift movement and Shuuya sees him, wearing the stupid orange suit jacket and he is in love.

He really is in love.

Endou looks good, very good, and Shuuya wants to kiss him and maybe marry him with this stupid suit on, but it’s not the moment to think about something like this. It’s never the moment to think about this.

“I’m a baby,” Endou pouts, “I can’t even do a tie.”

“It’s okay,” Shuuya coughs, getting closer to Endou, “It’s an unlockable skill only if your family believes five years old should know how to dress themselves without any help.”

Endou lets go of the orange tie and tilts his head, freckles still evident on his face, “What I would do without you?”

“You won’t buy this tie,” Shuuya replies, but he is trying not to focus on the fact that he is very close to Endou, their bodies almost touching, warmth coming from Endou.

Shuuya takes a deep breath to calm himself, “Let’s see,” he whispers, taking the tie in his hands, his nails painted with chipped black nail polish--Yuuka’s choice, he would’ve chosen red.

He starts making a knot, and he tries to tune out everything, but he feels physically Endou’s eyes on him, on his face, on his hand. Shuuya bites his bottom lip to stop his hands from shaking.

“Okay,” he says as he finishes, and he doesn’t know what possesses him, but his hands are now on Endou’s shoulder and he squeezes them and Endou takes a small step and they are too close, now.

“Looking good?” Endou puffs out and Shuuya has to raise his head because he was too busy staring at Endou’s chest.

Endou looks dishevelled as Shuuya feels, his eyes too big.

“Yeah,” Shuuya whispers, “You should buy it.”

“I think I will,” Endou murmurs back.

But they don’t move, they stay there, both of them staring at each other, Endou’s eyes dazing from Shuuya’s lips to his eyes, and Shuuya feels like Endou is about to kiss him or something because Endou is leaning, but the clerk comes in, happily, “Do you like the suit?”

And the moment breaks like a mirror hitting the ground.

Shuuya rapidly takes a step back and Endou clears his throat loudly, “Yes, sorry, I like it very much.”

“I’ll leave you change,” Shuuya needs to get out of the dressing room, “I’ll see you at the counter.”

Endou nods, “I’ll be quick.”

Shuuya hopes he doesn’t.

So, Shuuya thinks, what the fuck happened?

That was… it could be… but he doesn’t know because that damn clerk stepped in.

It’s not their fault, Shuuya knows, but this is really hard because he doesn’t have a clue on what to do. Was Endou about to kiss him? Shuuya was sure about to kiss him, consequences be damned. But, it didn’t happen and now there is only panic and doubt in Shuuya’s mind.

Not a good thing when you are Shuuya because he has the ability to arrive at whatever conclusion just to not feel this way ever again.

Endou is drinking his fresh orange juice, with no care in the world and Shuuya wants to scream because he really doesn’t feel bothered by anything.

He is happy about his purchase—Shuuya is happy too, because now they can stay seated until it’s time to go home and Shuuya doesn’t want to say it, but he hopes it’s soon because he is starting feeling antsy and it’s never a good look on him, especially when he has to go to work after.

The rain is hitting harder and harder the mall’s windows and Shuuya fixes on that to calm himself, the way the rain falls, one drop at the time.

It’s early in the day, but the grey clouds make it dark and gloomy. Shuuya feels a little bit sad, he enjoys the sun and the warmth more. Everything can be a dark night, he thinks, but he has his daylight with him.

He looks at Endou, the way his hair is unnatural sticking everywhere, his orange headband, his green sweater with a big flower on it. The way he is holding his glass of juice, the way he is using a paper straw to drink it, the way he purses his lips, and the way his eyes catch the unnatural light of the mall.

Shuuya is tired, and in love, and he wants and wants, feeling like a fire in a forest, wanting to burn everything, turning all in ashes. This is how much he feels. For Endou.

“Endou,” he says, monotone.

Endou looks up from his phone, “Yes?”

“I want to kiss you right now,” Shuuya breathes out.

Endou just looks at him, eyes wide.

Shuuya doesn’t give him the time to reply because he stands up and he runs out, out, out, out.

Out of the mall and under the pouring rain. It starts hitting him, making him wet, his stupid coat not waterproof.

But he keeps running.

Droplets on his face and he hopes it’s rain and not tears, because that will be embarrassing. Then he thinks, he is all wet, so he doesn’t really care.

Shuuya doesn’t know why he said that. He shouldn’t have said that. That was so wrong. First, how he worded it. Really bad, not romantic. Absolutely not romantic. He doesn’t know what possessed him. It was the fire and the wanting, probably, but he hates himself because since when he doesn’t have self-control? Everything he did was calculated, maybe because it was his father calculating it for him, but now he is on his own and he is following his gut feeling instead of his brain. He is following his want, not his mind. Or better, he is following the heart, but it’s bullshit, because he shouldn’t have said what he did, Endou's expression being a clear example of why.

Endou doesn’t like him that way.

This thought makes him stop from his run—run from Endou, like the coward he is. He hates being a coward. It’s not good to be a coward, but he is, he can’t deny it. A not coward wouldn’t have run from the love of his life refusing him.

He is completely drenched and he is in the middle of the road, so he tries to take cover under a tree—there is a downpour and it’s absolutely a bad idea, but Shuuya is out of good ideas, apparently.

He slaps his face with both of his hands (a gesture he picked up from Endou, when he wants to motivate himself or when he wants to clear his head, he always slaps his face with the palms of his hands, just to smile later) and looks up, the tree branches barely stopping the rain. Shuuya keeps looking up, the droplets hitting his face and his eyes, but he doesn’t care.

It’s cold and dark, the light disappearing.

He lost the daylight, too.

And then, he feels a hand on his shoulder. He turns and Endou is there too, hood on and heavily breathing. He is not as wet as Shuuya, but he can see Endou shivers a little.

“Do you know how much it hurts to run with this thing on?” he points at his ankle brace, raising his voice to surpass the sound of the rain.

Shuuya doesn’t answer, too shocked to know Endou followed him. That Endou doesn’t hate him.

The other groans and he pulls to turn Shuuya around, so he can face him properly. Shuuya doesn’t have the strength to fight him.

“Why did you run out like this?” Endou asks, but it’s a rhetorical question, because Endou knows why he did run out like this, “Didn’t have the time to answer properly.” 

“What?”

“To what you said. You didn’t give me the time to process, Gouenji. Give a man more than ten seconds, you know. I didn't think you would be the first one to crack. Everyone was betting on  _ me _ , I was betting on me too. You’ll cost me a little fortune,” Endou keeps going and Shuuya keeps getting unfocused.

“What are you talking about?” Shuuya feels he lost something in the process.

“I had a plan, too. I really had a good plan. It would be stupid and romantic, but you have to go and crack first. Good job, you got me,” Endou shakes his head as the rain keeps crushing on them.

“I…” Shuuya whispers.

“Stop talking, okay, stop, you aren’t allowed to talk for the next five minutes because you had me running with an ankle brace on, what a doctor are you, really?” Endou smiles, and he gets closer, his hands on Shuuya’s arms.

Shuuya doesn’t talk.

“Good, good. So, as I was saying, I had a plan. Fudou said it was too sappy even for me, but what does he know? Nothing. I had a whole plan and I was waiting for Mizukamiya to clear me to bring you to the park to have a picnic, it would have been good, really good, but you had to ruin my plans. It’s okay, I’m not angry, really, I’m happy. I thought you would never… maybe because you were scared or I don’t know. But now I have to improvise. There isn’t sun, there isn’t a picnic, and we are not in a park, but under the city mall and the pouring rain. Makes me think about Pride & Prejudice, when Mr. Darcy tells Elizabeth he loves her, hardly. I just hope you don’t reject me as she did,” he laughs, “I love you, Gouenji, I really do, I don’t when it started, I just know I do, and since I met you I never stop thinking about you and, I really, like you and love you. You never stop to amaze me because you are great, funny, and smart, oh so smart, I could listen to you talk about whatever book you are reading or whatever new disease you are studying even if I don’t care half of it. For you, I read a Jane Austen book so I could keep talking with you. I literally stole your book just to have an excuse to talk to you again, even if I didn’t have to use it, because… you… you never let me do it. And I love you and you are hot, which is a plus, even right now, all wet and with your stupid shocked face. Did you really think I wasn’t invested in you?”

“I…” Shuuya doesn’t know what to say, “Love me?”

“I ardently love you, Gouenji, really, my heart burns and my mind spins and breaking this goddamn ankle was the best thing that happened to me in years because it made me meet you.”

“You are not,” Shuuya tries.

“Oh, I am, I really am.”

“You can’t be,” Shuuya begs.

Endou smiles bigger, “I can and I am, Gouenji, there isn't a point in denying the way I feel about you. I know you have this thing where you have to deny things to be miserable. Don’t do that with my feelings. And you want to kiss me, but I don’t know if you like me too.”

Shuuya almost throws up. It’s the shock, and the anxiety, and the feelings, he knows, but he can’t help, his stupid and too delicate stomach is out there trying to sabotage him. He should get it checked or something.

He swallows everything down, it’s not the moment, he has to answer, keep the coffee in the stomach, the heart in the chest, you can’t have a panic attack now, “I do, too. I do, really. Love you. That, I do. I do really love you. Love. Yeah.”

Coherent. 

This is embarassing, it really is.

Endou shines brighter than the sun, “Yeah? Yeah?”

“Yeah?”

Endou cups his face, “Oh, that’s a marvellous news,” he whispers so close to his lips, thumbs caressing Shuuya’s cheeks.

“Is it?” Shuuya asks, struggling to talk, his heart beating too fast.

“It is, Gouenji, it is. Can I ask you a question, now?”

“Endou,” Shuuya sighs.

Endou chuckles, “Can I kiss you? Thinking your lips since day one of my hospitalization. You are very hot, how do you do it?”

“To which question do I have to answer?” Shuuya doesn’t know where he finds the strength to joke. 

“The first one. You can answer the second one later.”

“You can. Kiss me. I urge you to be qui—” but he doesn’t have the time to finish his sentence, because Endou’s lips are on his own and the feeling is perfect and welcomed.

Warmth.

The pouring rain is still on them, but Shuuya can only feel Endou’s warmth. Shuuya slides his arms around Endou’s waist, pulling him closer, every inch of Endou’s body against him.

Kissing Endou isn’t what he expected. Well, he expected the tongue and the lips locking, but he didn’t expect the feelings, the way Endou smiles in the kiss, the way he tucks Shuuya’s strands of hair behind his ear, the way he keeps caressing his cheek, the way he stops kissing Shuuya just to look at him and kissing him again, like he doesn’t believe it it’s happening for real.

Shuuya thinks this is the best kiss he ever had, maybe because this time his feelings are real, there is all his heart in it, every chemical balance is on board. He isn’t only attracted, he is in love and it’s beautiful and comforting the way Shuuya knows Endou feels the same. All of Endou is in this and Shuuya can feel it.

Endou rests his forehead against Shuuya’s, orange headband and hair wet, “We should go home.”

“We can’t take the bus like this,” Shuuya closes his eyes.

“Let’s call Kidou. But first, I have to go back. I left my suit in the café.”

“Of course you did. I’ll call him.”

“Don’t tell him about us. Let’s see how long he takes for him to figure out,” Endou sticks his tongue out.

“Us?” Shuuya feels dumb, but a lot of things happened in the last twenty minutes.

“Yeah, if you don’t have anything against it, I’d say we are in a relationship.”

Shuuya’s heart skips a beat, “Nothing against it. Like it. Totally down for it.”

Endou laughs, then he holds his hand for Shuuya to take it, and they are so close it’s really difficult, but Shuuya takes it nonetheless, “Let’s go, Gouenji.”

“Yes, let’s go.”

(Kidou picks them up, but not after screaming about influenza and his precious vegan leather carseat.)

  
  


Light wakes him up, coming from the window. Endou didn’t lower the shutters last night. He never does it, he likes to wake up with the rising sun. Shuuya opens one eye, and he remembers he isn’t at his place, but Endou’s. 

Shuuya is now familiar with the room, but he lets himself take everything in, like he has been doing for the past weeks. It’s going well, too well sometimes, and his paranoic brain is always trying to fuck him up, but Shuuya knows how to grounds himself now. Endou’s smell, bergamot with a hint of fresh laundry, Endou’s arms around his waist, Endou’s breathing against the back of his neck, the light coming in from the window, their clothes on the floor, soccer posters on the wall along with photos of Endou’s family and Endou’s friends and Endou’s students. 

Grounding. Grounding. He is safe, he is good, everything is good. 

Endou moves behind him, then he mumbles something. 

“What did you say?” Shuuya whispers. 

“Go back to sleep,” Endou leaves a kiss on Shuuya’s neck. 

“It’s your fault for not closing the shutters,” Shuuya turns to face Endou, his eyes still closed, frecklers becoming more invisible, but Shuuya knows where to look.

“Weak, you are weak.” 

“Endou,” he threatens and Endou giggles. 

He opens his eyes and he rubs them with the back of his hand, then he looks at Shuuya, “Gouenji, my love, I’m going back to sleep,” and then he turns over. 

“Oh, you are being difficult. I smell coffee anyway.”

“It’s Fudou,” Endou says, matter of factly. 

“I know. I’m willing to spend time with him.”

“Good,” he yawns. 

Shuuya shakes his head, but he dresses up and leaves Endou’s room to go to the kitchen. 

“Doctor,” Fudou is behind the counter, coffee already in one hand, dishealved hair and inked arms. 

“Fudou, good morning, be a love and give me some coffee.” 

“Luckily, you have two hands. Suit yourself, leech.” 

Shuuya snickers, making his way to the cupboard. He already knows where everything is, and how to move in their house. 

“That’s harsh even for you.” 

“You are here everyday and you don’t pay rent, you are a leech.”

“You don’t pay rent too,” Shuuya rebuts, pouring dark liquid in one of Endou’s mugs (BEST DAD IN THE WORLD). 

“I never said I wasn’t a leech, comrade,” Fudou smirks as he sits down on one of the table chairs. 

“Cheers,” Shuuya raises his mug at Fudou and the one snorts, but he does the same. 

Fudou isn’t wrong, Shuuya is spending a lot of time here, but it’s just convenient. Their place is closer to his place of work, Endou is there, Kazemaru is there and even if he is an asshole, Fudou is there too, and Shuuya loves to spend time with them. Kidou is always here too, more now that Shuuya divides his time between Endou’s house, his own house (to feed Lizzie and spend some time with her--he is not a monster, he is not abandoning his cat, and when he sleeps over, she goes to sleepover at Yuuka’s place) and the hospital. It makes sense and they never make him feel like a stranger. 

“You should just move in,” Fudou speaks again, “At this point.” 

Shuuya almost chokes himself over his hot coffee, “Fudou,”

“I’m saying. You are always here. Just move here. Bring your shit and everything else.”

“I have a cat.”

“I know. Bring her too.”

“Fudou,” Shuuya begins, then he closes his mouth, reopens it again, then he growls, “It… isn’t easy. Endou--”

“You know he wants you here. Ichirouta too. He likes you, I don’t know why. You ain’t that special,” Fudou puts down his mug and he looks at Shuuya, and it’s the most sincere look Fudou gave him, “This place, it’s… you belong here as much  _ we _ belong here.”

“Fudou.”

“I know something about places and houses and  _ homes _ . Never had a proper home until I was sixteen. And this…” he moves his arm, black snake on white skin looking at Shuuya. gesturing vaguely but Shuuya gets it: the whole house, the people inside it. 

“This feels like home,” Shuuya murmurs. 

“It does,” Fudou hums. 

“Why?” 

“What?” Fudou intertwines his hands under his chin. 

“Why are you telling me this?”

Fudou tilts his head, “I don’t know. I don’t hate you anymore and you make Endou happy. You also helped Kidou when I hurt him.” 

“He hurt you too.” 

Fudou smiles, it’s tiny, but it’s a smile, “He did. But it’s okay now. This place is big, anyway. I like cats, too. Ichirouta is kind of allergic, I guess, but we don’t care. Democracy wins.” 

“Even if I want to move in, we… it’s too soon. I don’t if--”

Fudou arches an eyebrow, “I see.”

Shuuya sits in front of him, “I’m sorry.”

“You think this can’t last.” 

Shuuya doesn’t reply. 

“Not only Endou. All of it,” Fudou sighs, “Happiness isn’t something you are used to, isn’t it?”

“Not that much.”

“Yeah, me too, and I’m getting married this week. Look,” Fudou leans back against the chair, “Trusting Ichirouta enough to marry him is my leap of fate. Recovery is a process, Doctor.”

Shuuya widens his eyes. 

“We are all fucked up, we are all screwed over. Endou still doesn’t want to eat what he ate the day of the incident. I don’t do well with people with authority and Ichirouta needs anti acid pills to get his stomach work. You have your own issues to figure out, but you have to…”

“Open up to happiness?”

“Something like that,” Fudou winks.

“That’s what my therapist says,” Shuuya sips a little bit of coffee, just to have something to do. 

Talking like this, with Fudou, is weird, but it isn’t unwelcome. They are friends, Shuuya believes it. 

“My therapist too,” Fudou adds. 

Five seconds after Fudou closes his mouth, Kazemaru opens the front door, dressed in what Shuuya knows now it’s his work uniform, a black suit. He looks at them, eyebrow arched, as he unlooses his tie. 

“Good morning,” he says, a question in his tone. 

Fudou shrugs, “We were talking shit about you.” 

Shuuya huffs a laugh as Kazemaru nods, a smile hidden behind his now untied hair. 

He sits next to Fudou, a hand on Fudou’s shoulder, a gentle squeeze, gently moving up into Fudou’s untamed hair, “Is Endou still sleeping?”

“Left him twenty minutes ago,” Shuuya tries not to look, but he can’t stop looking, and not feeling dumb. 

“How was work?” Fudou changes the subject, “Still full of dead people?” 

Shuuya shakes his head.

Kazemaru crosses his arms and Fudou snickers, “Luckily, yes.”

“Good for you. You survived the chance of a zombie apocalypse today too.” 

Kazemaru bites his lip, “Stop with this zombie thing.”

“It’s a possibility.” 

“The only thing dangerous about my job is an angry widow or money hungry son.”

“And zombies.”

Shuuya smiles, “And to think I thought Kazemaru was dating Endou.”

“What?” Fudou and Kazemaru both turn looking at him, shock (Kazemaru) and disgust (Fudou) in their eyes. 

“Oh, I said it out loud,” Shuuya stands up, “Better go to wake up Endou, I have to go to work.” 

“Gouenji, come back here!”

“Doctor!”

The day of the wedding, Endou looks at him, in the suit they brought together and he smiles, “Gouenji.”

The way he says his name never stops to make Shuuya’s heart skip a beat. 

Endou looks good, for someone who slept two hours after spending the night partying with their friends. They went to Rairaiken, Toramaru’s boyfriend restaurant to have Kazemaru and Fudou bachelor’s parties. It was stupid and it was only close friends (and that means fifty people enclosed in a small place with ramen bowls used as shot glasses), with Kidou getting too drunk and having a speech on the counter, with Tobitaka looking at him in horror. Sakuma cried, alcohol in his veins as he explained how much Fudou did change and grow and how proud of him he was. Fudou had it recorded to replay it every time Sakuma complains about him. Shuuya had too much fun to even regret not sleeping as much as he wanted.

“Endou?” 

“I didn’t want to talk about this, now, but…”

“What’s wrong?” Shuuya asks, a little bit worried.

Endou smiles, shakes his head, twistes his fingers and adjustes his headband. 

“I…,” he stops, then he giggles, “So, do you… want to move in? They,” he vaguely gestures, but Shuuya knows he means Fudou and Kazemaru, “They said you were… thinking about it.” 

Shuuya’s world stops. Of course they told him. They always tell him everything and Shuuya gets it, you can’t hide things from Endou Mamoru even if you want to. You can’t lie to him, either. It’s the eyes, Shuuya thinks, they make you want to tell him everything about yourself and your life and Shuuya knows this now, after spending a month waking up next to him, that he can’t escape Endou Mamoru even if he wants to. 

“I know it’s soon and maybe you don’t want to live with me and my married best friends, but, I wanted to ask. I had to ask. I can’t do anything without thinking about it. I love having you around, and they do too, and this house is really big, too big, and Lizzie… I know you don’t like being away from her too long and… Shit, I’m sorry, it was a bad--”

Shuuya recovers from his shocked thoughts as Endou’s smile weavers. 

“Endou,” he cups Endou’s face with his hands, and squeezes his cheeks, “Let me speak. Don’t be me.”

Endou tries to laugh but Shuuya’s hands make it hard. 

“I don’t if it’s a good idea and we are probably going to regret it in the long run, but I hate my place and I love yours and I love spending time with you and sleeping with you and don’t have to worry about catching the last bus to go and feed Lizzie. I love you and I want to live with you. I’m over it, about thinking too much. Well, not over it, but I’m trying to be. I don’t want.. deny myself this. You. And our friends. Who are about to get married and they need you to do it.”

“Right. I shouldn’t be late on their wedding day.” 

“Don’t let me keep you,” but Shuuya leans in to kiss him, long and sweetly, “I love you.”

“I love you, too. Now I have to go.”

“I’ll wait on the other side.”

“I can’t believe Kazemaru is marrying Fudou. Last time I checked, he hated him so much he almost punched him in the face. Luckily, Tsunami was there to stop him.” 

“Endou,” Shuuya says.

Shuuya thinks about summer and about fall and about winter approaching soon. How the sun sets sooner and sooner and darkness fills all of Shuuya’s days, most of them spent in the ER of the hospital, blood on his hands and on his coat as he thinks this is the best decision of my life. Darkness fills all of Shuuya’s days as he returns home to a house full of people, food, and warmth. Darkness fills all of Shuuya’s days as he falls asleep next to Endou and he wakes up tangled to the very same man, only with a fuzzy cat on his chest. Darkness fills all of Shuuya’s days as he tries to fix his relationship with his father. Darkness fills all of Shuuya’s days as he tries to fix his poor mental health, meds and therapists sessions helping him to find himself. Darkness fills all of Shuuya’s days as he watches Yuuka becoming more successful as an artist. 

Darkness, darkness, but it isn’t really darkness. 

Lizzie is sleeping between Kazemaru and Kidou; they are talking about shares and how the funerary home is losing clients. Fudou comments, sitting on the floor, Endou on his side as they play Super Mario Kart, how it is possible the funerary home is losing clients if people die everyday. Natsumi shakes her head, putting a hand on Kazemaru’s shoulder,  _ this is the man you married _ . Aki smiles as she drinks her tea and nudges Endou with her foot to make room for her. Fuyuka on Fudou’s side, shaking her head as he lets Endou surpass him. 

There isn’t darkness anymore, it’s just dark outside. 

Shuuya thinks. 

Endou turns to look at him, smiles shining like the sun, to tell him he finally won against Fudou.

Shuuya knows Fudou let him win. 

There is daylight.

  
  


  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO. IT'S THE END.   
> i'm sad it's over but also i'm glad because now i can focus on other things and... this is... i finished something this long and i'm proud of myself, but i wish it was a lil bit better than what is it now! but i rlly couldnt do MORE, i don't know why. i hope you like it anyway and i hope you love gouenji and endou a little bit more. i sure i do. <3  
> thanks for reading and liking daylight! <3

**Author's Note:**

> AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. so. thank you if you read all of this i'm very thankful for it because i'm working on this fic since august and only today i found the courage to... you know, drop the first part and it's really making me anxious because it's a big project and i don't know how to handle the fact that it's almost. finished and i'm publishing it for you to read! or not! i dont care i'm just happy it's out there. i poured everything i had on gouenji and i tried to be faithful to his character but this gouenji doesn't have soccer as an outlet and from watching and rewatching og/go i got a sense of him without soccer! especially focusing on his relationship with his dad and yuuka in his ffi arc! anyways. i hope to update this soon, but i'm going to be slow because it's a 63k fic and counting... i went overboard with it, i know. as the tags suggests, the themes of this are pretty heavy. i hope i'm doing and i will do it justice, i tried to put my experience in it and most of the things shuuya feels i feel it too, sometimes. i dont think im an expert in mental health issues, but i have my own problems and i found out writing it out helped a little. <3 i hope to see you soon! and if you ever want to talk to me, i'm on tumblr (bombercult) and twitter (nosakafalls but i change my username a lot!)  
> again, thank you for reading!


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